


Dawning

by MissMegara



Series: And Then There Was Him [3]
Category: Figure Skating RPF, Sports RPF
Genre: Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Dorks in Love, Drama, Friendship, Gay Sex, Humor, Intercrural Sex, Kissing, M/M, Making Out, Masturbation, Phone Sex, Romance, Secret Relationship, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-12
Updated: 2015-05-12
Packaged: 2018-02-25 04:01:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 52,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2607731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissMegara/pseuds/MissMegara
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/1686821/chapters/3586217">"The Truth."</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Round and Round

**Author's Note:**

> I did it again.  
> You know the drill.  
> Enjoy ^_^
> 
> Special thanks to [Fuchsia](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Fuchsia/pseuds/Fuchsia) for being my tremendously helpful test-reader and beta, for providing inspiration when I needed it and for easing the major headaches this story sometimes gave me over the last few months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: This is a work of pure fiction, consisting of fictional characters living fictional lives.

Only a few more minutes and it would be past midnight. It was about time for this day to end. It had started way too early, for some even earlier than for others. It had been the first day of training for a new ice show and those were always exhausting for everyone involved. 

But not only should this day already find its natural ending but the end of summer was also way overdue by now. It was much too late in the year for them to attend this kind of event. But this year was different, in any way imaginable. Half of Japan had succumbed to some sort of figure skating mania, the agencies were practically at war over the most wanted skaters and all kinds of ice show happenings kept popping up here and there. Since most of them were willing to pay good money, every skater thought twice about saying no whenever a good offer came his or her way.

At this point in time Javier and Yuzuru would normally be in Toronto to train and prepare for the first competitions of the upcoming season. But this year really was very different and so they were both in Japan for yet another ice show, as if they hadn't already exhausted themselves enough over the last few months. 

Today wasn't only the first day of practice but it was also the day Javier and Yuzuru had seen each other for the first time in weeks. Javier had spent a little time with his family in Spain before he went back to Canada for some training and to then join Brian for his annual summer skating camp. Yuzuru on the other hand had been in Japan all this time. There were so many publicity events he had to attend, a commercial here, another ceremony there, more interviews - like there was anything left to say. And finally he'd even been able to enjoy a mini vacation with his family. It wasn't for long, only a few days and nothing extravagant, but it was special because it was simple and normal. He hadn't realized how much he missed _normal_ until it had reappeared in his life for a short while. 

But right now everyone was back to business. Javier had already been in town for a few days but Yuzuru had just arrived this morning. Theoretically he should've been here sooner as well, but his schedule had gotten changed once again and whenever it did, he would not end up with a lighter workload.

For whatever reason, a few of the skaters had to change hotels tonight. Someone at the organization had really messed up this time. While most of the others were already back in their rooms, Yuzuru, Javier and a few unlucky one's had to get their luggage and now had to endure another 20 minutes on the bus until they'd finally arrive at their new accommodation. The bus was almost empty. Not counting the driver there were only five or six other people left, most of whom were sitting in the front rows and were already half asleep since everyone was beyond exhausted.

Yuzuru and Javier were both sitting in the second to last row, though not in the same seat but on opposite sides of the aisles. The bus had just taken off when Javier quickly moved over and sat in the seat next to Yuzuru. He had his head leaned against the window and every one of his breaths left a visible stain on the dirty glass. The enormous jacket he used as a blanket stretched from his neck almost to his knees. In relation to his slender body it looked less like a piece of clothing and more like he was covered with the outer shell of a ginormous tent.

Javier sat there quietly and waited until Yuzuru finally turned his head and snappily said, "No longer angry at me?"

"I was never angry at you."

"Sure." He rolled his eyes and looked out the window again. "Then why do you behave like angry child for whole day?"

"I didn't." In the reflection of the window he could see that Yuzuru once again rolled his eyes. "Maybe I overreacted a little this afternoon." He lowered his voice and moved closer towards him. "I haven't seen you in over three weeks and this reunion is just a tiny bit messed up, don't you think? First you arrange it that you get your own room and..."

"I don't _arrange_ that. They give me that and don't ask. I can't say no, it's not polite."

"But you can say no to me all the time? Nice one."

"People will know when you stay in my room at night."

"What people?" Javier was still having a whisper conversation with the back of Yuzuru's head. "I'm sharing a room with Alex again and you still won't even let me come over. Are you afraid he might find out about us? Newsflash: he already knows."

"It's a stupid idea, we shouldn't do that with all the others around."

"Since when is that a problem? It's exactly what we did the last time and nobody knew nothing about it. But suddenly all I hear from you is no, just like this afternoon."

Yuzuru finally turned around to look him in the face again. "I will always say no if you want sex in toilet behind changing room. That's disgusting."

"You shouldn't have changed into your costume so early. You looked pretty hot in that shirt." 

Javier slid one hand underneath the jacket and gently squeezed his thigh because he thought that he already saw a glimpse of amusement behind the annoyance. Yuzuru leaned in a little closer, and finally a smile got the better of his frown.

"I did not, that shirt is very ugly."

"True. I guess it was just you then."

"What are you doing?" Yuzuru tried to brush Javier's hand away but in response it only got pushed down further between his legs.

"If you have to ask, I'm doing something wrong."

"Yes, this is wrong, stop it." 

Yuzuru started to squirm and grabbed Javier's wrist, but he did little to actually fend him off. Javier could tell that his attempts were at best halfhearted because he knew what it felt like when Yuzuru was determined to keep him away. Right now he didn't care either way and just kept rubbing him through his pants, and his touches were not without effect. 

"Feels like you did miss me after all."

"Of course I miss you, but... don't, they can see us."

"Nah, they are far, far away."

Yuzuru sunk down in his chair in hopes that he could hide behind the seat. The others really were nowhere near them but he was still afraid that somebody might notice something. This was way too public and not a thing they should do outside the enclosure of at least four walls. And yet he couldn't bring himself to actually stop Javier. It would've been so easy, he knew exactly how to do it.

"You make it more bad."

"More bad? That's not what I was going for here."

Yuzuru was beyond relieved when Javier finally pulled his hand back up. A little too relieved as it turned out, because he let his guard down just long enough so that Javier managed to get his fingers under the waistband of Yuzuru's sweatpants and shove his hand down again.

"Are you crazy? You can't..." He bit his lower lip so hard he almost drew blood, because he could feel how the next word would come out as nothing more than a squeaky moan. His one hand was clinging to the seat pad while the other one was once again grabbing Javier's arm, holding it tightly but still not pushing it away.

Javier scooched over a bit further. Thanks to his very slow motions and the jacket that was still covering them, one could hardly see what was going on. Disregarding Yuzuru's reaction, that is. He kept squirming left and right in his seat, his face switched from one weird grimace to the next while he tried to curb the noisy puffs which threatened to turn into full-blown groans at any given second. "I ruin pants again. I hate that." Yuzuru tried to hold his breath, but still a tortured squeak escaped through his lips.

"You could just pull them down."

"Are you crazy? You can't... shit." Yuzuru gave a short nod forwards before he closed his eyes and pressed his chin against his chest. When Javier looked up, he saw that Alex was making his way to the back of the bus. Javier remained completely calm and just tugged at the jacket a little to cover more of his arm. Fortunately Alex stopped two seats in front of them and kneeled with one leg on the seat.

"Hey, Alex. What's up?" Javier's smile was as friendly and inconspicuous as always, his face didn't let show anything out of the ordinary. Which wasn't all that much of a challenge considering that he was the one holding the whip hand, so to speak.

"I'm craving chocolate." Alex pursed his lips and looked pleadingly at Yuzuru. "I know you always have something on you. Can you help me out here?"

Yuzuru was still holding his breath while he desperately tried to keep his face and body under control. Alex furrowed his brow and looked a bit irritated when he didn't get an answer, not to mention any other kind of response besides a frozen grin that didn't look all that natural. But Javier spoke up just in time before he could ask another question. "Sorry, you're too late, he's already given it up. I got my hands on his goods a few minutes ago." As if to remind him of that fact Javier restarted to move his fingers underneath the jacket. Yuzuru put one hand over his mouth and tried to hide his groan behind a badly faked coughing noise. "I got enough stuff in my bag in the trunk," Javier continued cheerfully, "I can feed you as soon as we arrive at the hotel."

"I guess I'll survive another ten minutes," Alex sighed, clearly unhappy about the result of his visit and still a bit confused about the lack of response from Yuzuru. It wasn't like him to say nothing at all. But Alex was too tired to question the whole scenario. 

The second Alex was slinking off Javier turned towards Yuzuru again, expecting him to begin another attempt to free himself, maybe a little more verbal banter. But Yuzuru just sat there with his head hanging low, not moving or saying anything. Javier slowly let go, pulled his arm back and rested his hands in his own lap. "Sorry. I thought this would be fun but..." Javier hated it when Yuzuru looked at him like that. He was making bad excuses and they both knew it. "Okay and maybe I thought this way I could get you to let me come to your room later. I'm sorry." 

"You always get crazy when you don't get sex for some weeks?" 

"It's not just about sex. Sure, that would be great too, but..." Javier laid his hand on Yuzuru's leg again but didn't try anything inappropriate this time. "I missed you. I was hoping we'd have at least a little time for us this week."

"I missed you too. But you can't come to my room."

"I get it." Javier nodded, but his disappointment was written all over his face. "Am I allowed to sit here until we get to the hotel?"

"We're there in five minutes." Yuzuru pulled one arm out from underneath the jacket and offered his opened hand to Javier who gladly took it and intertwined their fingers.

"Five minutes sounds great to me."


	2. Roomies

"Good morning."

Yuzuru had just about started to open his eyes when he already heard Javier's voice. He pressed his eyes shut again and stretched himself while making an exhausted gurgling noise. "Morning," he mumbled with a high pitched squeak and wanted to stretch once more but Javier had already moved over and taken him in his arms.

"It's about time that you wake up."

Yuzuru contorted his face when Javier brushed his tousled bangs aside with two fingers. "You watch me sleeping again?" The question almost got cut in half by an overpowering yawn. He wasn't nearly awake enough to have any kind of conversation, not to mention one in a foreign language. "I don't like that. I look silly."

"That's true, you look pretty goofy with your face squished into the pillow and all that drool running from the corner of your mouth." Javier laughed and kissed him on the tip of the nose when Yuzuru wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Doesn't matter. I'm not yet tired of seeing you in my bed, so you might as well look a little goofy in the morning."

Yuzuru turned his face to bury the next yawn in his pillow. "You just get lucky again. You don't deserve that I'm here now."

"Someone's a little full of himself this morning."

"You behave bad yesterday. I'm too nice to you."

"You're many things, cariño," Javier let one hand slip underneath the bedcovers, "but too nice is not one of them."

Yuzuru started to squeal and tried to grab Javier's hand, but he wouldn't stop tickling him mercilessly. What a way to start this day. And after he'd been so understanding and nice to him the night before. The thing Javier had pulled in the bus really was outrageous. Well, at least it wasn't funny. Okay, in retrospect it was kind of funny. After a while Yuzuru hadn't even been angry about it anymore, but he refused to cave too quickly or let him off the hook right away. They checked in at the new hotel, hugged briefly, wished each other a good night and then Javier got pulled into the elevator by Alex. He was in a hurry to get upstairs and into their room.

As soon as they'd entered Alex dropped everything he was carrying and ran into the bathroom. His craving for chocolate wasn't half as strong as the urge to empty his bladder. Javier shut the door and shoved the backpack aside that had landed right in front of his feet. That sure set the tone for this week, it would probably take less than two days and the whole room would look like a garbage dump again. Javier took off his jacket and put it neatly over the back of a chair, then grunted wearily and rolled his eyes when he realized what he'd just done. Alex was a total slob that much was clear, but Javier himself had never been _that_ tidy. The new roommate he now regularly shared his apartment and his bed with seemed to rub off more than expected.

When he pulled his suitcase onto one of the beds, he heard a knock that sounded strangely familiar. Javier answered the door and somehow wasn't even surprise to see Yuzuru standing in the hallway. What did surprise him though was the fact that he immediately rushed into the room with all his luggage and kicked the door shut behind himself.

"What are you doing here? I thought you said we couldn't see each other?"

"I said you can't come to my room. This is not my room."

"You sure? Then what's with all the bags?"

Yuzuru dragged his suitcases over to the bed and put down his backpack, then swiftly pulled down the zipper of his sweat suit jacket with a flirtatious smile. "You want to talk about bags now?"

"Depends. Are your bags going to stay here for a while or did you only bring them to raise my hopes and then pull my chain?"

Yuzuru walked past him while he took off his jacket and then put it just as tidily over Javier's on the back of the chair. "I don't know why you talk about chain now." When he turned around again, Javier was already standing closely next to him.

"Does this mean you're staying?"

"More silly questions. You talk a lot tonight."

"You don't feel like talking?"

"I don't." 

When Javier reached out with one hand and touched his cheek, Yuzuru softly brushed his lips against Javier's palm. "Then maybe we shouldn't..."

"Shut up." Yuzuru had enough. He grabbed Javier by the shirt and pulled him into a kiss they'd both been waiting for way too long. It didn't register with them at all when Alex came back out of the bathroom. Not that they were bothered by his presence in any way. Or even remotely interested in it.

"I see we have a guest. How nice. Hi Yuzu, long time no see. What's it been, five minutes?"

Yuzuru almost made an attempt to answer but since Javier wouldn't let go of him, all he could do was wave. But it was a really quick wave because right now he needed his hands to be elsewhere. 

Alex exhaled noisily and stared at the ceiling for a while, hoping that the two of them would get it over with as soon as possible. "I'd suggest that you get a room but I have the bad feeling that I'm already in it." When Alex made the mistake to look down again, he saw that by now Javier's hands were firmly clutching Yuzuru's butt, pressing their hips together while they were rubbing against each other. "Oh, dude, seriously? Show some restraint, for heaven's sake." He didn't really expect a reply because he knew that speaking was probably not an option the way those two were practically engulfing each other. "Will you at least give me warning before you start having sex? Just so I know when I should jump out the window." This time he almost got an answer. Unfortunately it didn't consist of all too many words but of grunts and sighs and dirty laughs that grew louder with every touch that the two of them exchanged. "Ugh, come on guys, why are you doing this to me?"

Javier finally tore himself away from Yuzuru, but only because it was hard anyway to keep kissing him through all that giggling. "This is nothing," he grinned at Alex over Yuzuru's shoulder. "You should see what we do when..."

"Gah, shut up!"

"Stop it, we shouldn't do this." Yuzuru tried to get his arms down but Javier only tightened his grip. "Let me go, I must get in my pants."

"So do I."

Alex produced yet another groan and grabbed his jacket from the floor. "Okay, that's it, I'm outta here."

"No, wait." Yuzuru had to practically push Javier away to free himself from his hold and barely reached Alex before he could storm out of the room. "I'm sorry that we're so silly. That wasn't nice."

"Look, I have no problem with your relationship. I just don't want to witness every single detail of it, that's all."

"I know, I'm sorry. I usually don't do that."

"Neither did he until you came along." Alex nodded in the direction of Javier who was by now sitting cross-legged on the bed, grinning sheepishly while scratching his head. "Never once have I seen you make out with Cortney like this. I mean, no offense, but _thank God_ ! I didn't want to see that either."

"I'm very sorry, but can I ask for favor?" Yuzuru pulled a key card out of his back pocket and held it up in front of Alex to redirect his attention. "Can you take my room and I stay here?"

Alex raised his eyebrows and blinked at the key card that was almost touching his nose. "You mean, like, for the next hour or however long you two take for this?"

"No, I mean, like, for whole week." Yuzuru lowered his arm to put the key card in Alex's hand, who by now showed far more interest in this unexpected suggestion.

"So, you mean, would I maybe move into your upgraded single room where I no longer have to deal with you two oversexed lovebirds?" Yuzuru nodded with a happy smile on his lips and an almost pleading look in his eyes. "You sure about that? You know that the others will notice we switched rooms, right?"

He found it kinda cute that Alex was still not annoyed enough to stop caring about them, but in the end Yuzuru just shrugged and waved his hand. "We tell them they make mistake at hotel check in and that I don't care if I have single room."

"Do you really think anyone's gonna swallow that story?"

"Speaking of swallowing," came Javier's voice from the bed, causing Alex to shudder once again.

"And that was my cue to get the hell out of here." He put the keycard in his jacket and grabbed his bags as quickly as possible. "Thanks for the reminder, buddy, I should've known that I could count on your lack of tact."

"Anytime." Javier tried to suppress his smirk when Yuzuru gave him a chiding look, but he was way too excited for them to finally be alone. "Why don't you come over here while Alex is getting his things and we..."

"You behave now," Yuzuru cut him off.

"Or what?"

"Or joke about swallowing will be last time that you..."

"Helloho, still in the room! Please delay your dirty talk until I'm no longer within earshot. God, you two are annoying."

Once again Yuzuru held him back by the arm when he was already halfway out the door. "This is really nice, thank you very much."

With a grunt Alex rolled his eyes, leaned to the side and looked at Javier over Yuzuru's shoulder. "He does that with you too, doesn't he? That thing where he looks like a puppy and you can't be mad at him anymore."

"Yeah, he does that."

Yuzuru's puppy impression instantly turned into a frowny face. He didn't like it very much when they made fun of him that way. Bad enough that everyone called him cute all the time. He wasn't that cute, dammit. But when Javier smiled at him and signaled him with one finger to come over to the bed, he immediately forgot that he was trying to act offended and remembered why he'd come here in the first place. Alex didn't bother to say anything further and just quietly closed the door when Yuzuru turned around without another word. 

 

But all that had happened yesterday and seemed like a lifetime ago. Yuzuru obviously didn't hold any of it against Javier, he'd already proven that last night. Multiple times. And right now he was smiling and giggling while he fidgeted around, trying to escape Javier's fingers that were aiming for all those spots where he knew Yuzuru was ticklish. Some words found their way through his chuckles, some Japanese, some English, some gibberish. But mostly he was just making all kinds of adorable noises while he fought to turn to his other side. Javier finally stopped his tickle attack and snuggled up to Yuzuru, putting one arm around him while he pressed against him from behind.

"Oh, now I understand," Yuzuru snickered in an almost suggestive tone and wiggled his hips. "That is reason why you wait that I wake up."

"No, it's not." Javier buried his face in the short black hair that smelled of hair gel, sweat and whatever else got stuck in there last night. "Ignore that."

"I don't believe you." Yuzuru reached back with one hand and went straight for Javier's crotch, but Javier calmly took his hand and then brought their arms back in front of Yuzuru's chest, returning to the earlier hug. What he didn't know was that this caused a rather irritated look to appear on Yuzuru's face. "Is something wrong?"

"No, everything's fine."

"Why don't you want that I touch you?"

"We only have like 15 minutes until we have to get up. Is it okay if we don't waste them on sex?"

Yuzuru turned his head so abruptly, he nearly rammed it into Javier's face. "Yesterday you get angry because you don't get sex in toilet and now it's waste of time?"

"That was then, right now I want..." Javier only saw part of Yuzuru's face but it was enough to realize that something was up, so he leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "Unless _you_ want to do it. There's always time for a quickie."

"This is not about me, I..."

"Of course it's about you. Don't you think you should have a say in this? If you want to have sex right now, just tell me."

Yuzuru turned his face forward again because his neck started to hurt from the weirdly twisted position. "You'll have sex with me?"

"Sure."

"But you don't want it."

"Not necessarily."

"Then sex is just favor for me?"

Javier couldn't have held back that laugh even if he'd tried. "Wow, you really have a rare talent to make this much more complicated than it has to be."

Yuzuru shoved his arm away, sat up and turned around to face Javier again. "Don't laugh at me."

"Well, you're being kinda funny, so... I'm sorry but I don't understand what's going on."

"Yesterday you want sex so much that you get angry when you don't get it."

"I was being an asshole, I already apologized for that."

"And then you do that in bus."

Javier bit his lower lip and averted his eyes. "That was wrong of me," he mumbled ruefully, "and I also apologized for that. But what has that to do with anything right now?"

"It has to do with anything because I can never say no to you."

Javier looked at him with a baffled stare as he finally sat up as well. "Why are you being like this all of a sudden? You made me wait like two months until we had sex for the first time. You clearly know how to say no to me."

"Yes, but..." Yuzuru pressed his lips together because he could feel them tremble slightly. And because he had no idea how to finish that sentence without sounding like an idiot.

"But what? What do you think will happen?"

"I don't know. Why you always get angry when I say no?"

"Don't you think you might be exaggerating a bit? I don't _always_ get _angry_. I might not always be happy about it but you make it sound like... well, much worse than it is. Seriously, what's going on with you?"

Yuzuru didn't have an answer for that question either and looked away. Javier still didn't understand what was going on with him but he recognized that Yuzuru was feeling uneasy. Maybe because he didn't have an answer or maybe because he didn't have the words to phrase it, but in any case he obviously wasn't ready to have this conversation at the moment. "Now we only have 10 minutes left." When Javier laid back down and lifted one arm, Yuzuru gladly accepted the invitation, scotched over and laid his head on Javier's chest.

"I sometimes don't understand what you want from me," Yuzuru mumbled after a while. It took him some time to continue but Javier waited silently while he gently let his fingers run up and down Yuzuru's forearm. "I don't want that you get crazy again because I always say no."

Javier's hand moved from Yuzuru's arm to his chin and lifted his face upwards. "Don't do that," he said calmly. "You always know exactly what you want and you never had a problem to tell me straight to my face when I'm being an idiot."

"But I don't want that you get angry."

"This is not just about me. Don't be like that. What you want is important too." Javier tightened his embrace and gently ran his fingers through his hair when Yuzuru snuggled up to him further. "And when I get moody for no reason you just kick my ass. You've always been really good at that anyway." Javier could feel the shaky little puffs against his skin and he knew what it meant. Yuzuru was desperately trying to keep his composure and watch his tongue. "What is it?"

"Nothing."

"Just spit it out."

Yuzuru slightly turned his face and looked up at Javier with an expression that most people would mistake for innocence because they didn't know any better. "I don't want to _kick_ ass, I have much better idea but you still don't..."

"Oh shut up." Javier grabbed him by the neck and pressed his face so hard against his chest, he nearly suffocated more than just Yuzuru's giggles. "I should've let you put something in your mouth when I had the chance."


	3. In-Between

The next days were booked solid for both of them. As per usual it was worse for Yuzuru who didn't only have to endure the practice sessions, but was also charged with several promotional appearances for the show. Most of the others didn't have quite as much on their plate all day long and at night they'd usually meet up to explore the city or have dinner together. Not so Javier and Yuzuru who always excused themselves, saying they were too tired. It wasn't even a complete lie when they told the others that all they wanted to do was go to bed, although they didn't get much sleeping done because they'd be all over each other as soon as the door had closed behind them. After they'd been together the whole day without actually being together, there were just way too many pent up wants and needs that were longing to be satisfied. 

Their daily routine developed a certain symmetry. Every morning they'd get up – at some point at least and only because they had to – they'd get ready, gather their things and before they left, when one of them already had a hand on the door knob, they'd kiss one last time. It marked the beginning of the day, the time when they needed to be someone else for each other, when they were only friends and colleagues. And when they met again here at night, after all the pretending and withholding, before they even thought about doing anything else, they'd kiss again. A simple kiss, the easiest thing in the world. They just had to make their lips touch and it was done. And yet it wasn't, it was neither simple nor easy.

But feelings were one thing, desires quite another and there were indeed a few of the bodily kind. Today wasn't any different from yesterday in this regard and it didn't take long until they found themselves naked in bed together once again. They did what they always did. That's not to say that they were already getting to a point where they were just going through the motions, far from it. But by now they'd both figured a few things out about one another and knew what the other liked. 

They were right in the middle of it when Yuzuru suddenly stopped, laid on his side and held Javier back as he tried to climb on top of him. A hesitant smile flashed over his lips while he cupped Javier's face and studied it carefully. "What is it?" Javier asked and in turn moved over to lie face to face with him. "Something wrong?"

"No, not wrong, just..." Yuzuru bit his lower lip and kept looking at him pensively, making Javier feel a bit uneasy. But Yuzuru knew him far too well and quickly kissed him to drown any worry before it could even begin to surface. It was one of those kisses. The ones that started out with a soft smile that Javier could still feel by the time their lips met. But then his gentle touches would soon turn into something more, his affection would mix with the longings not only of his mind. "You want to do it in my legs?" he whispered through the hasty touches, and not a second later he could already see the tension in Javier's eyes.

"Do I want to do what?"

"You know... put it in my legs."

"I think we might have a translation problem here."

When Yuzuru came a bit closer and moved his hand down, Javier unwittingly backed away. "Don't worry." Yuzuru rolled his eyes but he didn't look half as annoyed as might've been expected at this point. It was more of an amused irritation that had become somewhat of a standard in these situations. "It's not about things you don't want. You'll like it."

He gently tickled Javier's hip before his hand almost casually moved down between his legs. He kissed him gently while he started to stroke him, attempting to both calm him down and get him hard enough for what he had in mind. Javier had a tendency to get a bit panicky whenever he wanted to try something new and Yuzuru was well aware of that. He also knew that they couldn't exactly discuss everything beforehand because Javier also didn't like to talk about certain things, with sex being pretty much on top of that list. After a little while Yuzuru parted his legs a bit, placed Javier's cock between his thighs and then closed them again. He grabbed Javier's hip and pulled him closer while he flexed the muscles in his legs, adding a little extra push to the friction. 

"I must explain or do you understand?"

"No, I get it. I'm not _that_ stupid."

Javier wrapped his upper arm around Yuzuru's waist and held onto him while he slowly pulled back and then thrust between his thighs again. It was kind of awkward, especially since he was lying face to face with him. Facing a girl while actually having sex was one thing, that had never been a problem. But here he was just supposed to rub his dick between Yuzuru's legs? It seemed like a pretty silly exercise but Javier decided to indulge him for now. He always said no to certain things, at least this one was just a tiny bit weird.

"You're not stupid." Javier still wondered how Yuzuru always managed to work that smile. A lesser man would've come across as nothing but condescending with such a look on his face. "You never do this before?"

"I don't think the girls I've been with would've liked it very much."

Yuzuru leaned over, nipped Javier's lips and teasingly brushed his tongue against them. "But you like this, yes?"

"So far I have no complaints."

Quite the opposite, this actually started to feel pretty good. Despite the weirdness. And the way Yuzuru looked at him, like he was happy that he'd once again found something that Javier enjoyed, that was quite the extra turn on. Javier pushed his hips forward and at the same time forced his lips onto Yuzuru's, finally taking away that lingering kiss that had been sitting there right before his eyes. 

Yuzuru returned the kiss and pressed himself against Javier, making him stop just for a moment whilst reaching for the bottle of lube on the nightstand. For once Javier actually forgot to worry about what might be about to come, he just wanted him to get on with it. He eagerly watched how Yuzuru opened the bottle and pushed quite the big splash of lube into his palm. It made the usual squirting noise which Yuzuru liked to imitate while giggling like a preschooler who'd just been told a fart joke. This never failed to make Javier laugh with him. Yuzuru then proceeded to spread the whole chunk of lube on his inner thighs before he closed his legs again and roughly wiped his hand on the bedsheet, which would be completely ruined after this anyway. 

Javier had already moved closer and now pushed himself between Yuzuru's thighs again. Yuzuru sighed quietly and kissed him, running his still clammy hand through Javier's hair, thereby guaranteeing that they'd literally be icky from head to toe afterwards. Yuzuru's skin had already felt nothing but velvety-soft before, but the extra lubrication now sure helped to pick up the pace. Javier only slowed down for one second when he pushed his hand between the mattress and Yuzuru's armpit in order to curl his fingers around his shoulder, making sure he couldn't move away whenever he wanted to kiss him and, oh boy, how he wanted to kiss him while his hips pushed against him faster and faster. 

Javier forced himself to remove his hand from Yuzuru's ass and run it over the back of his thighs which were covered in a sticky mix of sweat, lube and precum. He slightly adjusted his position to have more space and then grabbed Yuzuru's cock which was already as hard as his own. The immediate answer was an unconcealed groan that went right through their last kiss. Javier continued to thrust back and forth between his thighs while he stroked him the best he could in this position. Everything about Yuzuru's body was warm and soft, and after a while he could already sense the quiver in Yuzuru's thighs, a quite reliable sign that he was on the verge of coming. "You want to or..."

"No, yes, I... just finish," he somehow managed to conjure up the last bits of garbled English and clung to Javier's shoulder while his other hand pressed against his chest.

The rhythmical thrusts of Javier's hips diminished to mere twitches as he concentrated on jerking him off properly. Javier attempted another kiss but Yuzuru's heavy breathing soon turned into desperate pants that left no room for any more tongue play. Yuzuru tried to at least hold Javier's gaze, although the urge to close his eyes was overwhelming and in the end he just gave in. Javier somehow held him at distance, forced Yuzuru to stay in front of him. He loved to watch how his face would develop a life of its own, how he'd press his eyes shut so tight they almost disappeared, how his mouth would uncontrollably open and close while he was gasping for air and spouting words of enjoyment in his own language. It took only a few more moves until Javier heard that well-known moan from his lips, just as he felt him come into his fist and all over his stomach. The sheets wouldn't be the only thing that needed washing after this.

Yuzuru leaned forward and pressed his forehead against Javier's while he tried to catch his breath. Javier gave him a moment before he kissed him, not without a certain amount of impatience. Yuzuru kissed him back and at the same time grabbed Javier by the wrist as he was just about to wipe his hand on the sheets. "I make a mess," he said still a bit breathless and pulled Javier's arm further up. 

Javier knew what was about to happen and didn't even try to discourage him from licking his fingers. He had not the faintest idea why Yuzuru liked doing this. Javier sure as hell still wasn't keen on the taste of cum in his mouth, but watching his fingers disappear between Yuzuru's eager lips, that was a whole different story.

"And you?" Yuzuru asked with a not very innocent twinkle in his eye before he again squeezed his thighs together tightly and sucked a little harder on Javier's fingers. "You finish this or you want blowjob? I do both."

"No, you stay right where you are."

Javier pulled his hand away to free Yuzuru's mouth for a kiss. This really was the only occasion when he didn't mind this peculiar taste, when he virtually licked it from Yuzuru's lips. He wrapped his arm around him, ran his hand up and down his back, making Yuzuru whine a little as he pressed his fingertips hard against the smooth skin. He moved further down, again causing Yuzuru to squeal as he grabbed his butt and pressed it hard while he pulled him close and pushed his hips forward again. Yuzuru went on to bury his face in Javier's neck. He sucked on that tiny spot below his ear and usually every touch there drove Javier closer to madness, but right now he could hardly be bothered with any part of his body that was above the waistline. They did so many things that clearly counted as having sex but right now all that seemed so far away, so ineptly vanilla as if this was as close as he'd ever gotten to feeling like he was just plain doing him.

With every thrust the grip around Yuzuru's tiny frame tightened, but Javier didn't care, didn't slow down or ease up on anything. He knew that he was being rough with him, that his crude touches were raw and at times almost abrasive, but if he was going too far Yuzuru would say so, he could be sure of that. He pressed his face against Yuzuru's shoulder, only realized that he was biting him when Yuzuru cried out in pain. But still he didn't make him stop and only quickly brushed his cheek against the teeth marks that had been left behind while Javier kept mindlessly pounding against him until he finally added his own contribution to the messy blend.

When Javier's body went limp, Yuzuru slowly rolled on his back. Javier kept his arm around his waist and immediately followed him before he could completely escape his touch. Yuzuru kissed him on top of the head and gently stroked his back as Javier snuggled his face into his chest. "You want to clean up?" Yuzuru asked out of sheer courtesy, although he had no intention of getting out of this bed any time soon, no matter how much icky stuff they were wallowing in.

"Not yet," came the expected and much anticipated answer from Javier who pushed himself up for a quick, sloppy kiss before he again collapsed onto Yuzuru's chest.


	4. Pillow Talk

"That wasn't bad," Javier mumbled after a while, still breathing heavily. "We should do that again some time." Javier was still a bit out of it after what had just happened. He'd never done anything like it before and in theory it still sounded kind of weird. But theory and practice were two very different things, he'd learned that several times from Yuzuru over the last couple of months. Yuzuru had never steered him wrong so far and he usually had a very good sense for what Javier was ready and willing to try. It was so easy to surrender to him. Although Javier really would've liked to find out how he knew about all those things or who'd taught him about them.

"Why you always do that?"

Javier lifted his head a little to look at Yuzuru whose voice had just pulled him back into the here and now. "Do what?"

By now they'd pretty much developed their own postcoital ritual. Most of the time Javier was able to get in a position where he could lie next to, or rather half on top of Yuzuru. Once they were done Javier could spend minutes on end snuggling up to him while tenderly kissing and caressing his upper body. As hot and arousing as all those touches were during foreplay, afterwards Javier managed to turn them into something soft and soothing. As a whole this really was a more than pleasurable way to wind down. The main reason why he usually got his way was that Yuzuru allowed him to do as he pleased because he clearly didn't mind this habit. He'd always liked it this way around, to be the one to hold Javier, to make him feel safe and comfortable.

"This." Yuzuru's hand described a circle over his body. "Why you always want to do that after sex?"

Javier smiled with amusement and pushed himself up so he could lean over him. "Because I like touching you." He continued to gently kiss random spots on Yuzuru's body. "And because you look beautiful afterwards when you're all messed up and sweaty and filthy and..."

He got interrupted by Yuzuru's giggles. "Shut up."

Javier muffled his laugh with yet another kiss onto his chest. "Why? Is it a problem that I do this? You don't like it?"

"I like it." Yuzuru ran his fingers through Javier's hair which was no less sticky or damp than his own hand. At some point they'd really have to continue this in the shower. "I just wonder if you do that with girls too. You're first one who always wants to do that."

"Oh right, I forgot." Javier rolled on top of him and pinned him down with his whole weight when he tried to get away. "I always get compared to your army of fuck buddies."

"Idiot," Yuzuru managed to mumble through his chuckles before Javier silenced him with a kiss.

 

It was still Javier's favorite joke to insinuate that Yuzuru would've had this endless string of lovers before he came along. And Yuzuru couldn't even protest all that much because he'd brought this upon himself. 

Ever since they'd gotten together, Javier kept asking about any and all romantic encounters Yuzuru might have previously had. The first few times the question had come up Yuzuru had tried to make it as awkward as possible and told him that he'd lost count or started to list name after name or - and he only pulled that one out when he was really desperate - he made some hints that he might've slept with Kanako after all. That would usually shut Javier up pretty quickly. But unfortunately it didn't stop him completely and so he kept asking under the pretense of wanting to find out if there was some kind of boy to girl ration prevalent in Yuzuru's preferences. But they both knew that this was a load of crap and that he simply wanted to find out if Yuzuru had slept with anybody Javier knew personally. 

He could've just told him that the number of people he'd actually had sex with was fairly negligible, mainly because he usually lacked opportunities. Javier already knew about the incident with his schoolmate and that his mother, who still accompanied him to quite a lot of events, tended to eye him like a hawk because of that. It would've been easy to make him believe that he couldn't just get down to business with anybody at any given moment. But there was a difference between not telling Javier the whole truth and flat out lying to him, and Yuzuru hated the idea of doing the latter. Because the number of people he'd hooked up with was in fact not all that small. He was still far away from the often mentioned _army_ , but the actual number was much higher than he would've liked.

There were a few things in his past he wasn't exactly proud of and which he wouldn't mind to erase not only from his memory but preferably from history altogether. He'd always been so controlled and disciplined when it came to his training and his studies, but in this area he'd somewhat spun out of control the last few years. Maybe it was a hormone thing or he was compensating because he had to restrain himself in every other aspect of his life. He'd certainly tried to come up with an explanation but in the end he had no idea why he'd done some of those things.

It didn't take all that much time or planning to just sneak off with somebody and find a somewhat private spot to make out for a little while. And sometimes those encounters wouldn't just end with them making out, especially when he was with a guy. Only very few of them would actually put up a fight when he offered to go down on them. For the sake of his sanity and to preserve at least a modicum of self-respect he'd tried to rationalize it and told himself that this was more of a grey area, that not every blowjob should be counted as full-on sex. But this relentless self-delusion didn't work for very long because in his heart he knew that it was bullshit and that he was acting like a complete floozy. Another downside of his continuous sneaking around was that he'd ended up in some pretty disgusting places from time to time. Like last fall when he skated in this charity event in a neighboring city together with a few other skaters from the Cricket Club and where he ultimately found himself in some filthy storage room in the basement of the arena, with a guy he'd known for less than three weeks. That wasn't one of his better moments.

But he was totally over that, he absolutely had it under control now. And besides, there had been a major alteration that changed everything: he now had a boyfriend, he was actually in a committed relationship with somebody. Somebody he intended to keep in his life for a good long time. With all his previous flings and affairs he'd never felt like this was even a possibility. He'd secretly fool around with whoever, but he always treated them like the onetime thing that they usually were. The incident in that horrible basement had finally been the one to tip the scale and set his head straight again. When he'd gotten back to his hotel room that night he'd been reeking like he hadn't seen a shower in a month, his pants were ruined inside and out because he'd ended up kneeling in some greasy oil spill. He went into the bathroom to clean himself up and that person he saw in the mirror outright appalled him. At that moment he swore to himself that he'd get his act together, that the next time he'd be with somebody it would be for a good reason, a better reason than him being needy or horny or both. 

He felt so lucky because the next person to come along would be Javier, and after the initial drama he turned out to be such a very good reason. With him he might actually get the chance to have something real for the first time, something that lasted longer than a few weeks and a handful of casual physical encounters. Which was precisely why Yuzuru didn't want him to know about all those stupid things he'd done in the past. Especially since there were in fact a few people involved who Javier knew and who he'd most likely see again sooner or later. He hadn't necessarily had sex with all of them, but if Javier knew about only half of the stuff he'd done, it would probably be enough to make him feel more than just a little uncomfortable around those people. Not to mention how it might make him feel about Yuzuru. That aspect he didn't even want to think about.

 

Javier had stopped kissing him. He was still lying on top of him and now moved down a bit, just far enough so he could comfortably snuggle his face into Yuzuru's chest. "I don't think I've done this exact thing before," he finally answered Yuzuru's earlier question. "But I've also never dated anyone quite so flat-chested."

"You think I need bigger breast?" Yuzuru laughed and teasingly pulled on some strands of Javier's hair. "Maybe I get implants?"

"I'm not sure man boobs would look good on you." He slowly ran his fingertips in narrowing circles down Yuzuru's flank, causing him to giggle and fidget around because he was incredibly ticklish in that area. "And the extra weight would probably completely throw off your jumps, that would be terrible."

"No bigger boobs for me?"

"No way, this is much more comfortable." Javier slightly turned his face to put a few faint kisses on Yuzuru's sternum. "This is just something new that I do only with you. But that goes for pretty much everything since you're the first guy I'm sleeping with."

"Oh, that will change when you sleep with second guy."

Javier hadn't even started to lift his head when Yuzuru could already feel how he was holding his breath and how the muscles in his fingers tensed up. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, I just make joke," he immediately answered and tried to touch Javier's cheek, but he pulled his face away. 

"And how's that supposed to be funny?"

"Hey, don't make this bad now." Javier tried to evade him again but this time Yuzuru managed to grab his face with both hands and hold it in place. "I just make bad joke, I don't mean anything."

Javier sulkily pursed his lips but didn't resist when Yuzuru pulled him back down to lay on his chest again. "Maybe you couldn't joke about that right after _we_ had sex? It's kinda weird."

Yuzuru tried to calm him down by putting one arm around his shoulders and stroking his head with the other hand. He would've loved to just ignore this whole stir but he could hear and feel how Javier was grinding his teeth. He only did that when he still wanted to talk about something but forced himself to keep his mouth shut. "You really mad at me now?" he finally sighed. He couldn't understand why this was such a big deal, usually Javier handled his sense of humor just fine.

"I'm not mad, it's just... it's weird when you talk about me having sex with someone else."

Well, look who's talking. But it was totally okay if he kept asking about every detail of Yuzuru's sex life. Yuzuru was glad that Javier was still facing away from him because right now his eye-roll was nowhere near cute or charming but an unmistakable sign of good old-fashioned annoyance. "Why are you so serious?" he asked as calmly as possible. "It was just silly joke."

Javier moved a bit away, laid down on his stomach right next to Yuzuru and leaned on his forearms. "You think I want to sleep with someone else?"

Yuzuru raised his eyebrows and hesitated for a moment. What kind of question was that? "I hope not."

Javier's jaw kept moving from left to right, again producing that unhealthy grinding noise. "We never really talked about this."

"Why you always want to talk about sex with other people?"

"No, I mean... about us."

"You never want to talk about sex with me."

"Can you stop thinking about fucking for one second? I'm trying to find out what kind of relationship this is supposed to be."

Yuzuru sat up, his face overflowing with nothing less but complete irritation. "I don't understand." Was there a question about what they had?

Javier either had no idea himself what he was talking about or he didn't find the right words to say it. He just looked at Yuzuru with his big puppy-dog eyes and then dropped his gaze. "I want to tell my family," he mumbled without looking up. The silent stare he could feel on top of his head was killing him but he still didn't dare to move.

"Are you sure?"

"You don't want me to?"

Again it took an eternity for Yuzuru to answer. "It's your decision."

"So you don't want me to."

As a matter of fact he really didn't think that it was such a good idea. They were in a good place right now, or at least so he thought up until a minute ago. But he knew very well that from time to time Javier was still a bit overwhelmed with this new kind of relationship. He had no doubts about Javier's affection for him, but he also had no doubts that he was still struggling with certain things.

Yuzuru moved a bit closer towards him and lovingly stroked his head. "Why you want to tell them now?"

"It's what I do." Javier shrugged and hesitantly looked up. "When I'm serious about someone then... I tell my family. They always know and... I mean, your family already knows, right?"

Yuzuru caressed his cheek and turned Javier's face a little more towards himself. He wasn't quite sure if he was playing dumb or if he really didn't see the potential problem with his plan. "You remember that you don't just tell about new girlfriend, yes? It's different." Yuzuru himself had noticed the strange undertone in his voice, and judging by the look on Javier's face, so had he.

"Thanks for the reminder," came the snarky reply Yuzuru had already expected, "but I was rubbing your dick just a few minutes ago, so, yeah, I remember."

"Maybe not tell them about that."

"Ew!" Javier hit him in the arm so hard that Yuzuru reflexively cried out. "Don't even say stuff like that." Javier rolled on his back and shoved his hand away when Yuzuru again tried to touch his face.

"Don't be angry, I just make silly joke."

"I know, but I'm trying to be serious here and don't really appreciate your silly jokes right now." Javier resisted at first when Yuzuru climbed on top of him and sat over his lap, but he was determined to get up there and Javier would've had to actually hurt him to keep him down. He wasn't that angry.

"You really want to tell them?" Yuzuru asked again when Javier finally stopped fighting him. Javier took the two hands that were lying on his chest and enclosed them with his own before he nodded hesitantly. The fact that he couldn't even say it again but only answered with a tentative noise that could be considered some kind of affirmative answer, it didn't exactly inspire Yuzuru with much confidence. But he wouldn't question him again. Not right now, not like this. "Okay. When you want to tell them?"

"My parents are coming for a visit to Toronto in two months. I thought maybe that would be a good time for us to tell them."

"You want that I'm there?"

"Of course. Why wouldn't I?"

"I just think maybe you want to be alone with them for this."

"I don't. This is about us. I'd like you to be there and I don't want to..." Javier paused and again kneaded Yuzuru's hands like he could somehow press all the right answers out of them. "Can you just be there with me?"

"I do everything you need." Yuzuru freed his fingers which were already getting numb from all the extra attention they'd received. He leaned down for a kiss but Javier obviously had a different idea about how to end this conversation. With one swift movement he had Yuzuru on his back again and was lying on top of him.

"You do everything, huh?"

"Almost everything."

"Uh-uh, you already said it. You're not getting out of this so easily." Javier buried his fingers in Yuzuru's hair and kissed him. It was a very different kiss from what Yuzuru had had in mind a short while ago. So much for winding down afterwards, this was just about the complete opposite. It only took a little more kissing and fondling until Javier glanced down with a chuckle. "You're already good to go again? Wow, if this ever gets Olympic you're in for another gold." Yuzuru didn't say anything and only nodded in apparent agreement. "Are you up for round two or should I..." Javier didn't get to finish the sentence because Yuzuru had already put both hands on his head and pushed him down. Fair enough, that was pretty much the answer he'd been hoping for anyway.


	5. Bitch [Fight]

For the past few days Javier and Yuzuru had practically been hiding from the world in this small room. The others kept asking from time to time if they wouldn't want to join them in one of their activities, but all they got in return were refusals and evasiveness. Right now they just wanted to be alone at night. They spent all of their time during the day surrounded by other people, but the moment their mandatory obligations were fulfilled they were already half way up to their room. They only had this one week and then they'd once again be apart for far longer than they would've liked because Javier would go back to Toronto and Yuzuru would stay in Japan for another few weeks.

Nobody seemed to question their behavior, at least not openly. Except for Kanako. She had just about enough of this silly game of hide and seek. If Yuzuru refused to come out of his room all night long, then she'd just have to get inside of it. So she decided to invite herself for this evening. It wasn't even a question when she told Yuzuru that she'd come over to their hotel, she simply informed him of the fact. He wasn't all that happy about it but he also didn't refuse her. She knew him far too well to try his usual maneuvers on her, she'd surely see right through them. 

When Yuzuru told Javier that they'd have company tonight, he was even less happy. Not only did this unexpected visitor shorten his alone time with Yuzuru, but it had to be Kanako. He still didn't get along with her. The last time he'd seen her was here in Japan, shortly before he'd had that big fight and sort-of-breakup with Yuzuru. He must've told her everything, it was the only explanation for that email Javier had received from her. He imagined that it had probably taken her hours to write it because Javier knew that her English wasn't _that_ good and that she couldn't possible know all those hateful and malicious words by heart. He hadn't told Yuzuru about it, though. It had been hard enough to get him back without dragging that girl into their relationship. Somehow she seemed to be part of it anyway.

For a change Javier wasn't in a rush this evening. He'd told Yuzuru that he'd get something to eat and then meet him upstairs later. He didn't mind so much that Yuzuru wanted to spend some time with Kanako, she was his friend after all, but he didn't necessarily have to be there. The lesser time he had to spend with her the better. In the end Javier managed to waste more than enough time, and so he wasn't there when Kanako arrived. She didn't mind either. She hadn't forced her way into this room to spend some quality time with Javier, she needed him as much as athlete's foot, and the news about his absence brightened her mood noticeably. 

When she wanted to walk over to the beds and sit on one of them, Yuzuru hastily grabbed the fabric of her plaid skirt and pulled her back. "You probably don't want to sit on that bed."

"Why?"

"It's, um... just trust me, you don't want to sit there."

Kanako threw her head back and produced some croaky gargling noises. "What's the problem? Is this Javier's bed? He hates me so much that I can't even sit on his bed?"

"First of all, he doesn't hate you." He couldn't help but roll his eyes because by now he found their constant bickering more than just a little annoying. "And second... you really think that we have separate beds in here?"

"Well, no, I guess not but what has that... oh... ewww!"

Yuzuru just shrugged and smiled broadly when Kanako contorted her face in disgust. "What did you expect?"

"Oh, that's so gross. Why did I even come here? You two are probably going at it like horny little rabbits every chance you get. Yuck, yuck, yuck!"

"Are you really surprised that I have sex with my boyfriend?"

"With that one? Yeah, kinda. He's so uptight, who would've thought he could even do it in a hotel room." Yuzuru had already opened his mouth to answer but that suggestive grin on his lips made Kanako wave her hands through the air in hopes that she could stop him in time. "No, no, no, don't say it, I don't want to hear it. Just tell me where you two porn stars haven't done it yet so I can sit down without catching anything."

Yuzuru scratched his chin and looked around the room pensively. "Let me think, you could, um... not there, or there... that's not good either..."

"Seriously? Yuck!" Kanako stuck one finger in her widely opened mouth and made a nauseated gagging noise. "You're disgusting, I'm leaving."

"No, come on, I'm kidding," he laughed, grabbed her by the arm as she tried to storm past him and led her over to the table in the corner. "As longs as you stay away from the right bed, you'll be okay."

"Yeah, great, I'm feeling totally reassured now."

Yuzuru had to drag her along quite a bit but finally he got her seated on one of the chairs. He himself sat down on the left bed because he'd been serious about the right one: it was a filthy mess. He and Javier had a pretty simple system. They had sex in one bed, slept in the other, and once the sheets had been changed they started anew. Unfortunately room service had skipped the step with the fresh sheets this morning. 

Yuzuru didn't realize how time flew by. He was having fun. They were talking and laughing and just being who they always were for each other. It had been far too long since he'd last spent so much time alone with Kanako. Of course they'd been in touch all the while, but it was still amazing how much they had to catch up on. How did that happen? How did he not know about all those things she told him right now?

When Javier finally walked into the room he looked almost disappointed. It was pretty clear that he'd been stalling for time, hoping he might miss Kanako completely. But no such luck. At least he was being civil. If barely looking at her could be called that. He even tried to sit down on that icky sex bed because he knew how Kanako would most likely react if he got too close to Yuzuru, but before he could get there Yuzuru had already grabbed him by his belt and pulled him over.

"What are you doing? Come here with me."

Javier still kept his distance as he sat down next to him but he didn't resist when Yuzuru took his arm, put it around his shoulders and snuggled up to him. Kanako didn't say a word but that look she gave Javier spoke volumes. If she could've, she would've scratched his eyes out with those artificial neon-blue claws of hers.

The conversation was less than meaningless and would've been at least twice as exciting had they talked about the weather or the bad coffee they served for breakfast here every morning. Kanako kept switching to Japanese and Yuzuru was in the habit of following her right away whenever she did so. Though he also tried really hard to go back to English and include Javier because he found it neither polite nor nice to leave him hanging like this. But Javier actually didn't really care. He would've gladly locked himself into the bathroom and waited it out until Kanako would finally leave. But she didn't show the slightest inclination that she'd do so in the near future.

Javier was almost relieved when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. Maybe he could take advantage of this, come up with some kind of excuse within the next two seconds and then get the hell out of here. It would've been easier if Yuzuru wasn't still clinging to him like a bur, because it was much too dangerous to tell him a lie if he might see the actual message on the screen. As much as he wanted to get out of here, he didn't want to provoke a fight. "Alex texted me," he finally said truthfully and already regretted this choice before he'd even finished the sentence. "He thinks you might have stolen his Kendama."

"Oh no! Yes, I have."

"Why would you take his? You got your own and you carry that thing everywhere."

Yuzuru's index finger painted little circles on Javier's chest as he looked up to him with the most innocent look in his eyes. "I forget mine at home and I want to play."

Javier laughed and kindly stroked Yuzuru's head. He looked like a little boy who had his favorite toy taken away from him. Which described the situation perfectly and yet a guy of his age really shouldn't be able to convey such a look oh so convincingly. But then again, this was just so like him. "Anyway, Alex is still afraid to come over and asked if you could bring it with you tomorrow or..."

Yuzuru broke away from Javier and jumped off the bed immediately. "I go now and give it back."

Awesome, that had worked out exactly like he'd hoped it would. Javier glanced at Kanako and tried not to look too uncomfortable. "Hurry up, okay?"

Yuzuru grabbed the Kendama from his bag, stuffed it in his pocket and quickly went back to the bed. "She will not bite you," he whispered before he forced a goodbye kiss onto Javier, who had so far tried to avoid too much bodily contact in the most ridiculous ways. "But I hurry."

"Be nice to him," he said in Japanese as he turned towards Kanako, but she just shrugged her shoulders.

"I'm always nice."

"You know what I mean."

"Oh come on, it's no fun if I can't tease him at least a little bit."

"Can you just not do that? He's already freaked out enough because of you."

Kanako didn't even try to hide her irritation or somehow conceal her stare towards Javier. She didn't care one bit if he knew what was going on since he didn't understand a word anyway. "Why, what did I do?"

"You... I don't really know," Yuzuru sighed and took one of the key cards from the table. "He just always gets super weird when it's about you."

"Then maybe you shouldn't leave him alone with me, I could totally ruin him within the next five minutes. What is his problem?

"I don't know, it's... probably..." Yuzuru stared at the ceiling because he couldn't even look at her while saying this out loud. "He still thinks I slept with you."

"Ewww!"

"That's what I said!"

"Why does he think that?"

"I don't know, I told him that he's insane."

"You two realize that I know you're talking about me, right?" If Javier hadn't already suspected it before, that latest _Ewww_ -sound sure was the last proof that he needed. 

Yuzuru squeezed one eye shut and wrinkled his nose, offering an apologetic smile but no real answer before he rushed out of the room. "Be nice!" he said once again in Japanese as the door snapped shut.

Kanako and Javier looked at each other for a split-second before they both turned away again. She absolutely didn't feel like playing nice, but if Yuzuru insisted she might as well try it for a few minutes. How hard could it be? The best way to not cause any trouble was probably to just not say anything, which shouldn't pose much of a problem since Javier wasn't talking to her anyway. Kanako inspected her fingernails. They were absolutely overdue for a manicure since the blue polish was already coming off from most of them. She sighed silently and put her hands back on the table in front of her. She started to tap on it with her fingertips, one after the other from left to right and back again. Then she did the same thing using her nails. And then her fingertips again. She picked up speed, alternated the rhythm and kept switching between fingertips and nails, creating a tedious, tuneless tapping-symphony.

"Can you stop that please?" Javier finally blurted out.

"Stop what?" she asked back and made her fingernails clack a little louder.

"That sound. Stop it, it's really annoying."

"I think you are annoying. Can you stop?" She had tried to be nice. He'd started it. Kinda.

Javier furrowed his brow and shifted his focus from her fingers to her face. "What?"

"You are annoying and bad boyfriend. I don't approve this."

"You... don't... what now?" Was she for real? Where the hell did that just come from?

"You were already not good as friend but you're now really bad as boyfriend."

Maybe it hadn't been the best idea to buy dinner from some street vendor because this surely must be a hallucination caused by food poisoning. "I've got news for you: I'm not _your_ boyfriend, so it doesn't really matter what you think."

"I don't just _think_ it, I _know_ that you're bad boyfriend."

"And how exactly would you come to _know_ that?"

"Cortney tells me."

Javier felt like a cartoon character whose jaw had just dropped so far open that it had hit the floor. "She what?"

"Cortney tells me everything about you."

"She did not."

Kanako leaned forward and smirked at him with a look that was at best mischievous and at worst truly devious. "I know everything."

He'd have to kill her. She was as good as dead if he ever saw her again. Kanako just sat there with a triumphant smile on her face, like all she could do was refrain from actually saying out loud that she thought she'd won this round. And of course they were both keeping count. The idea alone that Kanako might know anything about his previous relationship, it was just plain nauseating. He sure would've liked to know what exactly Cortney had been telling people, but at the same time Kanako was pretty much the last person in this world he wanted to ask about it. Dammit. This night was not about to get any better.


	6. [Bitch] Fight

"What exactly did Cortney tell you?" Javier immediately felt like washing his mouth with scrubbing cleanser. Why, why on earth did he even ask her that? He sure as hell didn't want to know the answer, and even less did he want her to tell him about it.

"You really want to know?"

No, he didn't. "Yes, I do." He'd never wanted to take back an answer so badly like at the moment when he saw that evil smirk play around her lips again.

"She tells me that you always need all her time and that you're so jealous. You never want to tell things but you always want to know all things about her. And you always ask questions that you shouldn't ask." Kanako made a deliberate pause and for a moment actually considered if she should continue, but this attempt of self-restraint lasted for less than one breath of air. "And she tells me it don't help that you're really, really boring in bed."

"She _what_ ?"

"She tells me that..."

"No, thanks, do me one favor and don't repeat it. Actually, do me two favors and never, ever talk to me about my sex life again, okay? God, do you girls really have to gossip about everything? I thought you Japanese didn't like to talk about this kind of personal stuff?"

"I don't talk, I just listen. But Cortney likes talking _a lot_."

He'd have to kill them both, there was just no way around it. And if she kept that grin up it would probably happen rather sooner than later. 

"Poor Cortney tells me many sad stories. She thinks you don't know much about girls."

"Fantastic, I get it, you can stop now."

"And she thinks maybe you're a little stupid because she always tells you how to do it right and you never learn it."

Would it legally be considered strangulation or suffocation if he started choking her until there were no sounds left to come out of her?

"So? Are you too stupid for it?"

"Are you ever gonna shut up?"

"Maybe you're just so bad because you don't like girls."

"I like girls just fine."

"Then you're stupid with Yuzu too?"

"This is so none of your business."

"Come on, Yuzu says I must be nice. I just want to help."

"Are you offering private lessons or what's your point?"

"If you're too stupid for sex, maybe you need lessons."

"Will you just shut your trap?" Up until now he'd tried to keep it together because he didn't want to give her the satisfaction, but if he held in just one more word he'd most likely explode into a million raging pieces. "I got it, okay? I'm a lousy lover and you're Japan's next sex idol. I'm sure all those stories I heard about your skills must be true, I'm thoroughly impressed. You can teach sex classes on TV for all I care, but spare me your drivel and shut up now."

In an instant the expression on Kanako's face went completely blank. "What stories?" she asked, trying to keep her voice firm and confident but failing miserably.

It looked like he had touched on a sore spot here. Well, a gentlemen surely would just let it go and not embarrass the lady any more than he already had. Then again, she wasn't much of a lady anyway, was she? "Don't worry, there's nothing but praise going around about how _good_ you are. I hear your blowjobs feel like being stuck in a sugary vacuum that's filled with whipped cream and sprinkles."

Kanako curled her fingers around her knees and clenched her fists. She didn't even realize that one of her nails had caught on to her tights, ripping a giant run into them. "Who tells you that?" she again asked almost breathless.

Now this was getting weird. She looked like she was about to faint. Jeez, was this girl really not able to detect sarcasm? "I was kidding, nobody told me anything about you," he snarled at her. Not talking any more shit was one thing but he certainly didn't feel the urge to be nice to her in any way.

"You make this up?"

"Yes, I make this up," he aped her and topped it off with a snarky laugh. "What's your problem, huh? You don't like it when people talk about your sex life?"

"No, I don't like it."

"You're such a hypocrite. It's okay for you to trash my sex life but I can't talk about yours?" 

"You can't, because I don't _have_ sex life."

Javier already had his next insult at the ready, but that reply had thrown him a bit off balance, to say the least. "Seriously? Like... never?"

Kanako averted her eyes and turned away, but not fast enough to fully hide the light red that had suddenly colored her cheeks. That sentence was obviously never meant to be uttered out loud. "None of your business."

"You know, for someone who doesn't even _have_ sex, you sure like to talk about it _a lot_."

"None of your business."

"I probably shouldn't be surprised. I mean, really, who would be stupid enough to sleep with you anyway?"

When Kanako turned around again her face was still bright red, but this time it seemed to be caused more by anger than embarrassment. "Boys think I'm cute."

"You sure about that?"

"You don't understand, you're gay boy."

"I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

"No, I'm not."

"Go tell your boyfriend."

"Tell boyfriend what?" Yuzuru had come back into the room without them noticing. He didn't look the least bit surprised but utterly disappointed. "You two fight again? I tell you to be nice."

"Hey, I was very nice!" Kanako defended herself, switching to Japanese right away because she had no intention of including Javier in this conversation any longer. "He started it!"

"I don't care who started it, I just want you to stop. Why can't you just stop fighting with him all the time, is this really so hard?"

"Yes, it is, because I _hate_ him." 

The tone of her voice irritated Yuzuru almost more than the silly words she said. She didn't even really yell at him, but there was an unfamiliar harshness in the way she talked. It didn't just make Yuzuru feel angry, it instantly provoked him in a way that he actively realized how his blood started to boil. But he forced himself to stay calm. "Come on, that's just not true and you know it. You've always liked him and I have no idea why you've behaved like this the last couple of months."

Kanako crossed her legs and wiggled her foot so hard, it wouldn't have surprised anyone, including herself, if it had just fallen off and bounced around the room. "I tolerated him when he was just one of your stupid friends. But as your boyfriend? No way, I'll never be okay with that."

"Have you gone completely nuts? You know that you did this, right? You're part of the reason we're even together, because you insisted that I go through with your kissing bet."

"Trust me, I wish I'd never done that. That backfired big time."

"Then why did you even start it if you hate him so much?"

"Because you wouldn't shut up about him." Kanako jumped off the chair and came chasing towards him so fast, she nearly fell over her own feet. "For two years it's been Javi this and Javi that and it was getting really boring, not to mention super annoying. Quite frankly, I didn't think that you'd have the balls to actually go through with it if I didn't kick your ass. But never in a million years did I imagine that anything serious could come from this. I thought you'd give it a shot, he'd reject you and then I don't have to hear about it _ever_ again. If I had suspected only for a nanosecond that he was even the tiniest bit interested in you, I'd have kept you as far away from him as humanly possible."

Yuzuru was practically paralyzed. He listened to her, understood what she was saying and yet none of those words made even the least bit of sense to him. When Yuzuru didn't shoot anything back right away, Javier used their breathing pause to speak up. He might not understand more than five words of Japanese, but it didn't take a linguistic genius to realize that those two were having more than just a difference of opinion. "Hello? I'm still here. What's going on? Anything I should..."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Yuzuru suddenly snapped at Kanako, not paying any attention to Javier's interjection.

"You two are never going to work, he's no good for you."

"How would you know? We've been together for less than four months, and..."

"And he already has you running after him like some little lap dog."

"That's just bullshit."

"No, it's not. You can't do anything with the rest of us anymore because you always have to spend all your time with him."

"Are you jealous or something?"

"No, I'm pissed. He's turning you into an accessory and I don't like it."

The way she waved her arms around while she kept ranting and how her voice now got louder and shriller with every word that left her mouth, it infuriated Yuzuru even further. "We haven't seen each other in weeks and just want to spend some time alone together. Why can't you accept that?"

"Because I don't want you to become one of those people who fall off the edge of the world just because they are in a relationship. You are becoming this weird person who only exists in combination with him, all you care about anymore is skating and fucking him."

Yuzuru took one quick step towards her, interrupting her mad circles, but he immediately drew back again. She had better not be within arm's reach right now. "Watch it!"

"And with _him_ of all people! Of all the guys you've screwed around with, why did you have to keep _him_ , for heaven's sake?"

"You know, I'm starting to think that maybe Javi was right about you. You really are a bitch!"

"Nice to know what he's saying about me behind my back. So he's allowed to talk trash about me but if I say something about him you get your panties in a twist?"

"You really should shut up now."

She saw the look in his eyes but she didn't care, she was on a roll here and she wouldn't stop until they'd reached the edge of that cliff they were heading towards. "Too bad I'm really not sleeping with you. Obviously that's the sacrifice one has to make to get anything from you."

"You're so crossing a line."

"Give me a break, like it would make any difference the way you whore around."

"I'm warning you..."

"I shouldn't even bother getting upset because of this idiot. In a few weeks you'll be lying under the next one, it's not like you care who's behind you when you bend over."

"Get out."

"Sure, handle me like all your problems, just kick me out. Lock the door and hide away with your talking sex toy."

Yuzuru grabbed her by the arm and pulled her towards himself. He held her so tightly, Kanako knew right away that she'd have a bruise tomorrow, but she didn't even blink. His fingers were as tense as every other muscle in his body and she could feel his labored breathing on her skin long before she heard his quiet but strained voice again. "I mean it, get your skinny ass out of here right now."

Kanako leaned forward until their faces almost touched and managed to look even more provoking than before. "Or what?"

Yuzuru's grip around her arm tightened even further and only loosened when he felt another hand on his own. "Let go of her," Javier said calmly and pulled him back, then turned towards Kanako while the two of them were still silently glaring at each other. "I think you should leave now." Kanako wanted to snarl at him again, but for once the look Javier darted at her actually had the intended effect and she left without saying another word. "What the hell was that?"

Yuzuru didn't even wait until Javier had finished the sentence. He turned his back on him, kicked off his sneakers which landed in different corners of the room and then walked over to the right bed. "I'm going to sleep now."

"Um... what? You just almost ripped her head off and now you won't even tell me what happened?"

"I'm tired."

"Seriously?"

Yuzuru laid down on top of the bedcover, since this side was only half as yucky as everything underneath it. He'd just keep his clothes on and take a shower in the morning. Whatever.

"You gotta be kidding me. You're really not telling me _anything_?"

"Good night."

Yuzuru was lying on his side with his back to Javier and had his eyes closed, but he could clearly hear him walk up to the bed. He knew exactly that he was standing right behind him, staring down on him and wondering what to do. Yuzuru prayed to God that he would just leave him alone right now.

Javier was completely at a loss. He knew that Yuzuru never ran away from a good fight. He could be as aggressive and feisty as any other person, probably even more so if he felt attacked. But usually he knew how to fight back with words. The last time Javier had seen him get physical during an argument he'd been on the receiving end, when Yuzuru had forcefully kicked him out of his hotel room. And that night he'd said some extremely stupid and insensitive things, that's what it took to get Yuzuru to this point. Whatever Kanako had said to him, she must've hit more than just a nerve or he'd never have grabbed her like that.

He had no idea what he was supposed to do. He hated the idea of letting the day end like this but he also didn't want to push his luck. Yuzuru startled when Javier touched his shoulder, but he didn't make any move that would suggest that he was any more ready to talk than he was two minutes ago. Javier kissed him on the back of the head and then got back onto the other bed. He'd let it go for today. But this was far from over.


	7. Counterside

When Javier woke up in the morning he was granted about three seconds of unconcern before he lost his peace of mind again, because immediately the first tags of memory took over all his thoughts. He recalled how he'd tried to avoid spending too much time with Kanako, or better yet, avoid her completely. How he ended up fighting with her because she was intent on getting into an argument. How Yuzuru then seemed to have gotten in the middle of it. Javier still had no idea what had been going on between the two of them but he knew very well how it had almost ended. He'd been forced to step in because he'd honestly been afraid of what might happen. There had been no need to understand what they were saying because the look on Yuzuru's face had told a story of its own, and it hadn't been one that would end with "happily ever after". The way Yuzuru had grabbed her by the arm still alarmed Javier. The fact that he'd gotten physical at all had been scary enough. It was so not like him to do that. Javier knew very well that there was much more strength in his body than was visible to the naked eye and that he probably could've broken her tiny little arm like a twig.

Javier turned around to reach for his phone on the nightstand and turn off the alarm. When he did, he saw that the other bed was already empty. Javier listened carefully for a while, then stood up and checked the bathroom just to be sure. But Yuzuru was actually gone and Javier's worries gradually morphed into annoyance. First those two had a fight right in front of him, one that obviously somehow involved him but that didn't seem to be a good enough reason to include him. Then neither of them had the decency to tell him what was going on, and to top it all off he'd been refused an answer when he'd flat out asked Yuzuru about it. And now he was gone? Did he really think that Javier would just let it go or that there was even the tiniest chance that this issue could be resolved by running away?

He had to calm down, getting more upset wouldn't do him any good. If he got all worked up about this childish, immature, stupid, cowardly behavior, he probably wouldn't be able to stop himself as soon as he saw him again later. He'd try to drive him into a corner and force some answers out of him and that would most certainly get him jack shit, because Yuzuru didn't cave in when he was pushed with his back against the wall - he fought back. There had been enough fighting going on lately. There was no sense in looking for him, he could be anywhere. The rehearsal started a bit later today so Javier decided to take it slow. He took a shower, got dressed, threw the disgusting sheets from the right bed onto the floor to make sure that they'd get changed today, and then went out to find something to eat. For one thing because the food they served at this hotel really was about as tasty as tube cleaner, but mostly because he just needed to go out and get some fresh air. Lately he'd spent too much time inside this stuffy room and he could feel how it not only affected his mood but also his body. 

As much as he enjoyed this badly needed break, at some point he had to get to the rink. Most of the others were already there and ready to start. There was no sign of Yuzuru, though. Javier asked about him in passing and was told that he'd been on the ice for about an hour already. Of course, he should've known. Where else would he be hiding? Javier changed into his training clothes and went upstairs to the rink, but he kept his distance at first and watched the handful of skaters from afar. Then he saw Yuzuru. Javier wasn't close enough to clearly see his face but there was no need to. Reading his body language alone did suffice. He was slouching even more than usual and seemed to have little control over his body while he was circling around the rink. His legs looked like they could collapse underneath him at any second, his arms on the other hand looked strained, almost stiff. Every movement was hard and edgy, like he had to force his muscles to comply and perform a certain motion while his body was unwilling to follow his mind's command. He skated alone most of the time. Whenever another skater approached him, all he had in store for them was a forced smile, a nod and maybe two or three words. At the most. Only by chance did Javier notice that Kanako was also on the ice because she happened to skate by Yuzuru. Looking at her almost made him feel worse than seeing Yuzuru's pitiful state. Which was weird because he didn't care about her. But she looked worse than him. Unlike last night, there didn't seem to be the faintest hint of anger left in that little body. She seemed downcast, not only crestfallen but down to a point of actual sadness.

"What's the deal with those two?"

Javier startled because he hadn't heard how Jeremy had come up to him and was now standing right beside him.

"Yuzu and his chick are being super weird today."

"His _chick_ ?"

Jeremy didn't even try to be discrete as he pointed in the direction of the ice when Kanako skated towards the end they were standing at. 

"I don't know what you mean."

"Oh please, usually our two textbook BFFs are inseparable. They always have some stupid fun together and now look at them. Are they fighting?"

"How should I know?"

"How can you not know? You and BFF number one are living together."

Javier had just taken a sip from his water bottle and almost choked on it when he heard him say it like that. "We're just sharing a room."

"Yeah, right." Jeremy glanced at him from the side while he quickly looked him over head to toe. "I heard Yuzu gave up his single room to be with you. What's up with that?"

"He didn't give up anything." Javier was getting flustered. This wasn't good. "There was a mix up at the check in, that's all. Yuzu didn't mind sharing a room."

"Riiiiight. Like anybody would willingly give up a single room if there wasn't some payoff."

"Have you met him? He was just trying to be nice and Alex was actually happy to get some alone time."

"And now you two have enjoyed some 'alone time' together." Jeremy paired his extremely exaggerated air quotes with an even extremer grin. Like it hadn't been clear enough by now what he was getting at.

"Very funny."

"Don't think that anybody has forgotten about that kiss in the middle of the rink a few months back."

"How often do I have to tell you? That was just because of some stupid bet with Kanako."

"Ehhh, still. With all those stories you hear about Yuzu's horizontal adventures. You should be careful. Now that you're single he might just try his luck with you for a change." Javier must've looked even more shocked than he realized because Jeremy suddenly laughed in surprise and waved his hands. "Whoa, bro, relax. I'm just kidding. For what it's worth, I don't think he even swings that way."

That was actually not the part that had Javier flabbergasted. "What stories?" he asked, trying to get his face back to a more neutral expression.

"Oh, come on, you must've heard those too."

"I haven't. What stories?"

"Well, from what I know our little sunshine is not quite as innocent as he likes people to think that he is. I heard that a few girls have crossed his way. Quite a few. A lot, actually."

"Who says that?"

"You know. People."

"Ah, people. Yeah, people are always a reliable source."

"I didn't say that I have proof, it's just rumors."

"It's complete bullshit. It's Yuzu we're talking about, he's..."

"He's 19. And a guy. Men have urges and if you have an itch to scratch..." 

When Jeremy scraped Javier's arm he instantly took a step sideways to escape the unwelcomed touch. "I don't think I've ever heard you talk so much shit at once."

"Believe what you want." Jeremy's tone barely suggested mild indifference towards the topic, and then he already nodded in the direction of Yuzuru again who was glaring at Kanako like he was this close to cutting her in half with one of his blades. "Those two are still being weird. You sure you know nothing about that?"

Javier didn't even answer anymore but just walked away. When he was standing at the opening of the boards and taking off his blade covers, Kanko flew by, giving him a quick glance. And suddenly it hit Javier why those pinches he'd been feeling in his stomach bothered him so much: he was feeling sorry for her. How the hell did that happen? He didn't even like her. He'd never gotten along with her all that well but over the last year their relationship had been a total nightmare. But that annoying bitch had apparently dissolved into thin air, all that was left now was a little girl with very sad eyes. Every time Yuzuru looked at her she seemed to crumble away a little more, because those looks he darted at her could've made a grown man cry like a toddler. This was actually quite impressive. And terrifying. He didn't even have to say anything, let alone yell at her to mercilessly frazzle her with just one stare. Kanako didn't fight it, she just gave up. Everything about her posture and the way she stumbled across the rink like she barely found the will to keep those blades on the ice, it all declared nothing less but complete and utter defeat. On second thought Javier at least understood why looking at her made him feel like getting punched in the gut.

The whole training session was a complete disaster. Yuzuru and Kanako had their heads everywhere but nowhere near the rink. There was a handful of novice skaters from a local club who were supposed to participate in the opening number and who did a much better job than any of those two. Javier didn't know Kanako well enough to tell if it was normal for her to handle distractions like this, but he knew for sure that this was absolutely out of the norm for Yuzuru. Having personal problems had never been an excuse for him to not give his absolute best and be a complete pro. But right now he was tripping around the rink like he was standing on skates for the first time in his life. He couldn't remember one thing about the choreography and made the silliest mistakes, some of which even resulted in needless falls. 

Javier tried to talk to him more than once but every time Yuzuru got incredibly evasive. While the others had at least gotten about two or three words out of him, it was obviously too much to ask that he'd do Javier the same favor. Every attempt was met with a forced smile and then he turned his back on Javier faster than any of his spins could ever be. In the end there was only one more thing Javier could think of: he left him alone. Again. 

The others had already caught on to their strange behavior and soon Jeremy wasn't the only one to ask intrusive questions. Of course they only asked Javier and always behind Yuzuru's back, anything else would apparently have been completely ludicrous. Javier managed to dodge most of their inquisitions but it was getting exhausting and he couldn't wait to get out of here. 

They were finished with the group numbers for today but Javier was still far from done with his practice. He had to stick around because he needed to go over his exhibition program one more time later. But every minute he could get away from all those meddlesome people was a good minute and so he decided to hide somewhere. Javier had just put on his blade covers and was about to go down to the dressing rooms when he saw a shadow sneak up into the darkness of the empty auditorium. The little person tried to hide behind a banister but by now Javier would've recognize that ponytail anywhere. This was probably the stupidest idea he'd had all week but what the hell. He already felt like a pathetic idiot because of the way he was running after them, desperately begging for some answers. It's not like he could make any more of a fool of himself.


	8. Clearing the Ice

Javier walked up the stairs to the fourteenth row. In the dim light he could see Kanako's pink hair ribbon long before he ever saw her face as he approached her. "Can we talk?"

"No. Go away."

She sounded like she couldn't be bothered to care at least a little bit about anything anymore. What a ginormous disappointment, last night he'd provoked far better reactions from her. Javier sat down anyway but left one seat between them. "How's your arm?" She didn't look at him but Javier could still tell that she was surprised by the question as she answered him with a quick shrug and a nod. "I want to know what's going on."

"Ask your boyfriend."

"I will, but right now I just want to know what's going on with you. Why do you keep fighting me?" Kanako didn't answer but only crossed her legs, folded her arms and leaned forward while staring even more intensely down at the rink. "Is it really just because of all the things Cortney told you or why do you hate me so much?" 

She didn't react at all. Javier readjusted his blade covers because they'd somehow gotten loose on the way up here. And because it gave him something to do while he thought about a different strategy that might actually get him some straight answers for once. He hated the way he had to practically drag every word out of her mouth, but he hated even more that he was still left in the dark over everything. He needed her to answer.

"Did Cortney tell you why we broke up?"

Kanako still didn't deign to look at him. Her jaw kept moving from left to right but it took her another minute or so until she sighed and grudgingly spoke up again. "She must not tell me. I know."

"And what do you think that you know?"

"I know you're bad boyfriend. She's not allowed to do things alone and you always want to know everything. She can't be person without you and that's terrible. I don't let you do that with Yuzu."

Her voice was weird, almost apathetic. Javier was sure that she meant every word she said, she cared deeply about Yuzuru, he knew that. But her tone sure didn't convey it, she sounded like there was no fight left in her. Javier was even more confused than before because now he thought that it was quite a pity that she was willing to give up so easily. He didn't like her, he had to tell himself that, he didn't like her at all. It was almost unfair to force this on her right now because the feisty girl he'd had so many great fights with seemed utterly defenseless. Kanako didn't even bat an eyelash when Javier moved over onto the seat next to her and leaned in closely. He certainly didn't feel like yelling the next sentence across the whole rink.

"Tell me, did your good friend Cortney by any chance also mention that she cheated on me?" 

Kanako only quickly glanced at him from the side. There was no need for her to say anything in reply, Javier could see the answer all over her face. 

"Why didn't you tell Yuzu?"

This wasn't the first reaction he'd expected but at least she now seemed willing to talk to him. "Who says I didn't tell him?"

Kanako rolled her eyes and made the weirdest face. Fair enough, that stupid question hardly deserved an answer. If Javier had told him she'd already know about it. Yuzuru had obviously told her about everything else and he'd probably keep doing so. Javier should better get used to the idea that there were more than two people involved in this relationship.

"He doesn't need to know. I don't exactly broadcast this information, in case you haven't noticed." Javier leaned back and stared into the blinking lights that were pointed at the ice, bathing it in a mixture of purple and blue. "You weren't completely wrong with what you said last night. In the end I did ask her a lot of stupid question and most of the time I preferred to know where she was and what she was doing. And who she was doing it with."

Javier's eyes slowly moved away from the lights and followed one of the skaters on the ice. If only his thoughts wouldn't drift away as easily as his gaze. Too many of those memories still occupied his mind and he'd like nothing more than to get rid of each and every one of them. "We weren't always like that but after she'd told me... I thought I could do this but I couldn't, and the last few months were a total mess. I know that I turned into a complete jerk afterwards but..." 

Javier paused when the skater on the ice launched into a jump, fell hard and nearly crashed into the boards. That stubborn idiot. He hadn't slept all night, was completely off his game today and they'd already been practicing for hours. It would've been more surprising had he actually landed that quad. Stupid. Javier looked over to Kanako again when he heard a quite sigh. She was also looking down at the ice, shaking her head and rolling her eyes, and Javier knew what must've gone through her head just a second ago.

"Did she never once tell you anything nice about me?"

Kanako shrugged her shoulders and turned her face a little further away from him. "Maybe."

"I'm not like that with Yuzu, you should know that. I'm not trying to change him or keep him from anything." Javier gently touched her arm and didn't let up until she reluctantly looked him in the eye. "And I'm not trying to take him away from you. Even if I wanted to, there's no chance in hell he'd let me do that." He didn't like her, he had to tell himself more often. Because the way Kanako cast down her eyes with a sad smile, if Javier wasn't sure that he didn't like her, she would've broken his heart at this moment.

"If you want, now is good time. He's really angry at me."

They both looked down at the ice almost at the same moment. Yuzuru was standing in the middle of the rink, leaning forward and squinting because he couldn't see them clearly in the darkness. But he'd spotted them alright. Javier gave him a quick wave to acknowledge him, but lot of good that did. Yuzuru's back straightened so fast, he almost fell over backwards and then practically fled from the ice. Kanako slightly wiggled her arm and only now did Javier realize that he was still touching her, so he took his hand back and moved a bit away from her. "What did you say to him anyway? Why did he get so mad at you?"

"I can't tell you." Kanako shook her head and crossed her arms even tighter in front of her chest. "If I tell you he hates me forever, and he already hates me and..."

"Oh God, would you please stop feeling sorry for yourself?" Javier didn't know how to deal with her when she was being like that. He'd never seen her be this whiney and wallowing in self-pity. "So you screwed up, big deal. Hiding up here won't help you. How about you go down there and actually apologize for whatever you did? It worked wonders for me the last time I messed up with him." Javier wanted to smack her on the back of the head when she once again looked at him with her big, sad doll face eyes.

"It's different for you. He loves you."

"Yeah and you obviously managed to piss him off like that because he doesn't care about you one bit. He does that, he often gets upset because of people who mean nothing at all to him." Geez, was that just the bad lighting or did she actually start crying now? Good Lord, could this girl get any more annoying? He didn't like her, that was exactly why he didn't like her at all. "I'm gonna go now, I'm up with practice again in a few minutes." He tried to think of anything further he could say to her but there didn't seem to be anything left, so he just patted her on the shoulder as he got up to leave. 

"Can you..." She held him back by the sleeve of his shirt for a moment but immediately pulled her hand back like she was shocked by her own action. "Can you tell him I don't really mean what I say yesterday? I say terrible things to him but I know it's all wrong."

Javier certainly didn't feel like becoming her errand boy and he felt even less like groveling on her behalf. This was her fight, he didn't need to get in the way any more than he already had. Especially since he still didn't know shit about anything. But he also didn't want to argue with her anymore and the way the look on her face affected him was getting disturbing, so he just nodded and walked away. He'd been wrong. Coming up here to talk to her hadn't been the worst idea he'd had all week. The decision to get out of bed this morning had been much stupider. 

When Javier got downstairs after his final run-through, he saw Yuzuru who was just coming out of the changing room, fully dressed and pulling the bag with his equipment. He quickly turned to leave, pretending that he didn't see Javier although their eyes had already met for the briefest of moments. "You're leaving?" Yuzuru didn't react and continued to walk down the hallway. "Hey, I'm talking to you. Would you at least..."

Javier didn't bother to finish the sentence because Yuzuru had already disappeared around the corner. Luckily there weren't any other people around at this Moment, because if he'd pulled that crap in front of an audience, Javier's mood probably would've turned into something even worse than it was right now. Because now he'd done it, if this was what he wanted to accomplish, he'd finally succeeded. Now Javier was angry.


	9. Past Perfect Continuous

Javier wasn't in a rush to get in and out of the locker room, there was no need to hurry. If he knew anything about that guy he wouldn't be on the shuttle bus anyway but had taken a cab back to the hotel. He should be right about that in the end. The ride over seemed even longer than the days before and having all this time to let his thoughts roam free didn't help Javier one bit to calm down. His foot kept kicking against the front seat unceasingly but he didn't even realize it. When they arrived at the Hotel, he waited until all the others had left the bus before he got out. He didn't want to run the risk of having to talk to anybody right now. Upon entering the room, Javier saw Yuzuru standing at the bed, sorting his clothes like it was the most important thing he could do at this moment. He didn't say a word, let alone do Javier the courtesy of at least turning around. A massive shiver ran through Yuzuru's body when Javier slammed the door shut with such a bang, it should've collapsed the whole floor. 

"So what, you're gonna pretend that you didn't hear that either?" Yuzuru's shoulders dropped even further while he slowly turned around to face him, his eyes fixed on the floor. "Is this how you handle everything? You just stop talking to me whenever there's a problem?" Yuzuru shook his head and looked like he was tempted to crawl under the bed. It didn't help that Javier smashed his backpack onto the floor like he wanted to slay someone with it. "I totally understood the silence treatment when I fucked up, you had every right to be pissed at me then. But this? Really? You two have a fight, nobody tells me anything and then you completely shut me out? Are you fucking kidding me?"

Yuzuru slowly lifted his head, his lips tightly pressed together and still not daring to look Javier straight in the eye. "Kana don't tell you? I see you talk and..."

"I don't know one fucking thing about fucking anything!" Once again Yuzuru's head dropped so far down his chin almost touched his chest. His fingers were constantly moving but Javier couldn't tell if they were shaking or just nervously tapping against his thighs. He waited, but Yuzuru just kept staring at the ground without saying a word, which made Javier even more furious. "Dammit, Yuzu. What the fuck?" Javier kicked his backpack so hard, it flew halfway across the room and crashed against the bed frame. That cracking noise didn't bode well. His water bottle obviously wouldn't live to see another day.

Javier needed a minute. He was so very angry at him but this way they'd get nowhere, he was painfully aware of that. So he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Just tell me what happened," he said as calmly as possible. "What were you two fighting about?"

Yuzuru alternately scraped over the carpet or shifted from one foot to the other before he finally mumbled something resembling an answer. "You."

"Yeah, no kidding, I kinda got that part. But you totally lost it with her last night. What the fuck did she say to you?"

Yuzuru felt as if he was losing the ability to breathe, like he was drowning in a sea of letters and characters. None of them had any connection to each other, they were mere symbols of sounds and words and not one of them seemed appropriate to describe what he wanted to say to him. He'd never thought about how he could explain this to him if necessary, if there was maybe a right way to tell Javier about the things that he didn't want him to know. Right now one explanation sounded just about as bad as the next one.

"She says our relationship is bad and I only sleep with you because I'm a whore."

Javier tried his best to make any sense from this answer. Actually he didn't try at all. Yuzuru had barely finished the sentence when Javier immediately recalled the strange conversation he'd had with Jeremy. "Why would she call you a whore?"

Yuzuru scratched the underside of his nose with two fingers, thereby covering parts of his mouth and making his next words barely audible. "Because I have sex with so many people and I always..."

"Um... just to be clear here... we're talking past tense, right? _Had_. Because you _had_ sex with so many people."

"No, no!" Yuzuru shook his head in panic and leaped forward, clinging to Javier's arm like he was trying to keep him from running although he hadn't moved an inch away from him. "I mean, yes, of course I mean past." Yuzuru's fingers tensed up further around Javier's arm, but as much as his hands were trembling, his gaze didn't waver. "I would _never_ do that."

Of course he wouldn't. It's not like Javier had actually entertained the idea that Yuzuru might be talking about anything else. But he'd been down this road before. You'd never think something like this until you find out just how horribly wrong you can actually be. Yuzuru loosened his grip when Javier gave him a short nod. "So, when you say _many people_... how many exactly are we talking about?"

Yuzuru let go of his arm and took a step back again. "I must tell you number?"

"Well, _many_ can mean anything. What do you consider _many_? Five?" Yuzuru slowly raised his eyebrows. "Closer to ten?" Yuzuru pressed his lips together and dropped his gaze. "More than ten?" Yuzuru's head now sunk down even further as he completely turned his face away. 

Javier's lips formed a toneless "wow" which Yuzuru thankfully didn't see. Javier knew that he didn't have much time to process this information because Yuzuru surely expected a reaction from him but "wow" was pretty much the only coherent thought he could conjure up right now. It had never been a secret that there had been others before him but this vague number, which Javier didn't really want to know too precisely, it was just... wow. And boy, did that put a new spin on that pile of STD tests Yuzuru had insisted on when they first started being intimate. Very slowly Yuzuru made eye contact again but his gaze kept drifting off. He didn't only look embarrassed but outright disgraced. Javier felt compelled to give him some kind of reply but he literally didn't have any words for this. 

"They're not important," Yuzuru mumbled quietly with his voice shaking like he was about to start crying any moment now. "It was just sex."

Well, duh. With that kind of number Javier hardly assumed that Yuzuru had found the love of his life every single time. It's not like he didn't get the concept of casual sex but, wow, they were talking about a lot of sex here.

"I'm sorry."

"What? No, you don't have to apologize to me. It's not like that was any of my business at the time."

"But I feel like I do something wrong. I mean _did_ , did something wrong."

This conversation was getting weirder by the second. First an apology and now what? Was he looking for absolution? "I can't tell you if it was wrong or if some of them were maybe not... necessarily a good idea or... I don't know." This was going really well. Javier didn't have much information to work with but what he'd heard so far was more than enough. It was probably for the best if he didn't ask for further details. 

"But you think it's bad what I do?"

"You can sleep with whoever you want, there's nothing wrong with that." He'd actually made it sound like he believed what he said, and yet Yuzuru still didn't look like he was satisfied with his answer. Why couldn't he just let it go already? He was the one who didn't even want to talk about it in the first place and now he just wouldn't stop.

"I don't do that anymore, I'm not just a whore," Yuzuru continued with an even more anxious look in his eyes. "You believe me, yes?"

"Of course I believe you. I just didn't peg you as someone who sleeps around, that's all. You made such a big deal out of it when I first wanted..."

Javier had abruptly stopped, his flailing arms now slowly dropped and were hanging down the side like they didn't belong to the rest of his body. Yuzuru could no longer tell what Javier might be thinking. Up until a second ago he'd obviously been a bit overwhelmed by the situation. Yuzuru knew how Javier sounded when he tried extra hard not to say the wrong thing. But that look was gone entirely. Yuzuru shied away when Javier came towards him but there was nowhere for him to hide. Javier put one arm around Yuzuru's waist and pulled him close, gently placed the other hand on his cheek and kissed him, again and again, until he could feel how the tension was slowly leaving Yuzuru's body. "You want the truth or should I keep telling you what you want to hear?"

Yuzuru swallowed hard and compelled the muscles in his neck to provoke a nodding gesture. "The truth."

"It's a bit weird to know that you've slept with so many people. A few months ago I was pretty sure that you're still a virgin, and now I'm not only having sex with you but it turns out that you've probably slept with every..."

"I change my mind," Yuzuru interrupted him and almost pleadingly put one hand on Javier's chest. "I don't want the truth."

"I'll get over it, okay? Whatever happened, happened. It's not like we can do anything about it. Let me freak out for a while and then it'll be okay."

"You don't look like you freak out."

"I'm a little freaked out on the inside but I'm trying to keep it together. Don't worry about it."

Yuzuru sucked in his lower lip and chewed on it like he was trying to escape the situation by eating himself. How he would've loved to just let it go but he knew that it would come back to bite him in the ass if he didn't say anything right now. He'd obsess about it until it would be the only possible thought on his mind. "But I worry. I don't want that you think I just need you for sex."

Javier pulled him close again and Yuzuru instantly let himself fall into the embrace, wrapped his arms around Javier and nestled his face into the crook of his neck. He felt this weird tickling in his nose and the odd burning sensation in his eyes, like he always did when he was fighting to hold back his tears. He didn't even know why his body was doing this to him now, there was no reason to cry. Javier took this much better than he would've imagined, he wasn't annoyed or angry or anything. On the contrary. And while Javier kept reassuring him that it was going to be okay, he was virtually hanging in his arms all wimpy and weepy, as if he actually needed the support of Javier's body because he couldn't stand alone anymore. When Javier gently stroked his back, Yuzuru wasn't sure if it was making things better or worse.

"You don't have to squash me, I'm not going anywhere." Yuzuru hadn't even realized how his grip had kept tightening, but even now he only very reluctantly loosened it. He'd be holding on to him with all he got, that much was sure. Javier carefully wiped his thumb over the corner of Yuzuru's eye, removing a tear that had weaseled its way out. "You know, there's one good thing about this. I guess I finally understand why you made me wait so long in the beginning. I actually thought there was something wrong with me."

"There was never something wrong with you."

"Yeah, I get that now. And I'm really glad that you didn't just try to recruit me for your army of fuck buddies."

Yuzuru cringed and made an uncomfortable face. "I hate when you say that."

"I know, but so far I couldn't come up with a better name. What should we call them? Sexual training mates?"

"No, we shouldn't."

"Oh, so there was an age gap, huh? Less training mates and more of a student teacher thing?"

"Eww." Yuzuru lightly punched him on the shoulder and tried to get away, but Javier kept his arms wrapped tightly around him.

"It's a valid question, you're obviously into older guys because I'm..." Yuzuru answered by striking him against the chest with the flat of the hand. "What? Someone must've taught you all those tricks you know, you sure as hell didn't get that from any of your books."

Yuzuru leaned in closely and teasingly brushed his lips against Javier's. "I know more tricks." 

Javier couldn't have been more relieved. If he was already getting cocky again they'd surely be okay. When Javier tried to close the distance, Yuzuru quickly pulled back, only to then rush forward again and steal a faint kiss from his lips.

"You want that I show you new tricks?"

"Sounds tempting but there's no time. We both have other plans tonight."


	10. Ordinary People

Javier had decided that they both needed to spend some time outside of this room, and more importantly, that they needed to spend it with other people. Separately. He'd been told that most of the Japanese skaters were meeting at the other hotel tonight, and he wanted Yuzuru to join them. He himself would go out to dinner with Alex and a few others. Yuzuru was less than thrilled about the idea but Javier wouldn't budge.

"I don't want to go."

"But you should."

"I want to go with you."

"I know you like it better when you're going out with the Japanese skaters and don't have to speak English all the time. It's okay, I get it. Go and have fun with your friends."

"I don't want to go."

"Again: I think you should."

"Kana will be there."

"You don't know that, she might not even come."

"You're lying."

"I... okay, I am, she'll probably be there. But you should really talk to her, you can't avoid her forever."

"I can."

"How do you think you'll manage that?"

"I just will."

It was like talking to a five-year-old. Javier sat down on the bed and tried to think of a way to convince him without having to tell him the real reasons behind his insistence. "The others are already making comments."

"About what?"

Way to go, that was just about the complete opposite of what he wanted to accomplish, because answering that question could open a whole new can of worms. Obviously people had been talking about Yuzuru behind his back for quite some time. Javier had never heard about any of those rumors until he'd been told this afternoon, but some of the others didn't seem to have that lack of information. Yuzuru was apparently as much in the dark as he'd been, but he couldn't really tell him about it. Could he? Should he? Perhaps later, further down the road, under the right circumstances. But this was not an opportune moment to have this conversation on top of everything else. 

"They talk about us. They find it weird that we spend so much time alone together. And they have a point, we've never done this before. I don't want them to..."

It still felt odd to say this to his face because Javier never knew when he'd reach the outer limits of Yuzuru's patience. As sure as he was about the fact that he wanted to be with him, he was just as certain that he still wasn't ready to tell everybody about this relationship. At some point all this secretiveness would have to end, he was well aware of that, they couldn't go on like this forever. He just didn't know when and where that moment would be. This at least didn't seem to become the time when he'd be forced to make a decision. Yuzuru smiled and nodded with the usual look of understanding, then climbed onto the bed and hugged Javier from behind.

"You go. I can stay here alone."

"I really think it would look better if you spent some time with the others." Yuzuru grumbled and mumbled something in Japanese, but also nodded his approval. "And if Kana is there... just talk to her, okay?"

Yuzuru loosened his grip and turned Javier to the side so he could look at him. "Why you want so much that I talk to her? Are you friends now?"

"Hardly."

"Then why? You two always fight, you should be happy about this."

"Happy? You really think I'm such an asshole?"

Yuzuru sat down cross-legged in the middle of the bed when Javier shoved him away and stood up. "I don't understand you. You don't like her."

"Look, I just know how she must feel. I've been there. She said something stupid and hurt you, but I guess she's sorry and wants to apologize. I get that you're angry at her, you have every right to be and you don't have to forgive her or anything. But at least talk to her. I know she's important to you, and I don't want to be the reason for your fight."

Yuzuru let himself fall backwards onto the bed, lifted his legs high in the air and let them slump down on the mattress so fast, the whole bed started to swing. This wasn't fair, this was the textbook version of emotional blackmail. "Okaaaaay, I go meet them. But I don't promise anything."

"That's all I ask."

"I want to show you something first." When Yuzuru lifted his arms, Javier reached out and took his hands to pull him up from the bed. "I want to show it yesterday but then... wait, I want to show you." Yuzuru went to the closet and got a big package of see-through plastic wrapping paper. Javier already had a hunch what he was going to pull out of there. "It's not finished but they give it to me for a few days so I can say what I want."

Yuzuru carefully unfolded the paper and held the content up in front of Javier, presenting it like a prized trophy. His presentiment had been correct, it really was Yuzuru's new free skate costume. Yuzuru handed it over and Javier examined it closely while he tried to keep his facial expressions as neutral as possible, which was next to impossible given that thing he was holding in his hands. Aside from the fact that he'd probably need an appointment with an eye specialist tomorrow because he'd gotten blinded by all those rhinestones, and good grief, there were a lot of shiny stones sewed onto that flimsy piece of fabric. How did they manage to put on even more than last season? That thing must've been heavier than Yuzuru himself. And was he serious about those colors? Hadn't he said something about keeping it classy this season? Everything was supposed to be mostly black and white and just a little bit of glitter here and there. That thing looked like a box of watercolors had puked all over some tulle lace before yanking it through a drag queen's makeup collection.

"You don't like it."

Javier hesitantly looked at him over the visual felony he was still gingerly holding between his fingers. "I like it. For you. This costume is very... you."

"So you don't like it."

"That's not what I said." He folded the costume over his forearm and studied one of the sparkling patterns more closely. Were those sequins formed like little half masks? Well, at least there was commitment to certain details, he had to give him that.

"But you don't like it."

"I told you, I like it _for you_. I mean, sure, I could never wear it, I'd look like an idiot, but..."

"You think I'll look like idiot?"

"No! Since when are you so insecure about this? You've never asked my opinion on anything you wear, least of all your costumes."

"It's new, I just want to show it. But if you think all my clothes are so ugly I don't show you anything."

Oh boy, and just when he thought they'd passed the latest drama sequence of their relationship. "It's not so bad, it's just not for me."

"You can tell me if you think I look like idiot."

"If I thought that you'd make a fool of yourself wearing that in a competition, I'd say so."

"Sure?"

"Absolutely. If you'd told me that you wanted to wear that weird white and gold outfit they made for the commercial you shot last week, I'd absolutely stop you."

"That wasn't so bad."

"Cariño, you've sent me pictures. It was horrible. Even you are not pretty enough to pull that off." 

Yuzuru pushed his lower lip forward and plucked at the sleeve of his costume. "I'm not pretty."

"Not in _that_ thing."

"So now there's commercial everywhere and I look like idiot?"

"It's probably your punishment for being such a whore." Yuzuru pulled the costume back from Javier's hands and pressed it against his chest, partly to protect it and partly to use it as a shield. "I'm just kidding," Javier clarified when he realized that Yuzuru actually seemed somewhat hurt by his comment. "Come on, don't be like that. You're the master of bad jokes, you should appreciate it when I make one for a change."

"That wasn't funny." Yuzuru blinked at him, pursed his lips some more and pulled his shoulders so far up, his long neck nearly disappeared between them.

"Don't think for a second that you can pout your way out of your dinner date with the others. No way, you're going."

Yuzuru threw the costume on one of the beds and rolled his eyes. It had been worth a try. Javier had to practically drag him into the bathroom to get ready to go out. He even offered to help Yuzuru undress if he wasn't willing to take off his stinking clothes on his own, but thanks to a very suggestive grin he quickly realized that this wouldn't be the fastest way to get either of them out of this room anytime soon.


	11. Commonplace

It took them ages, but somehow they both managed to leave their hotel room at some point. Javier met up with the siblings and a few others in the lobby of the hotel. The good thing was that they already knew where they wanted to go. The bad thing was that they dragged him practically to the other end of town. If that bus ride had lasted only a few minutes longer, they'd probably have ended up in another prefecture. The restaurant they went to was far below average, but Javier soon realized that the others didn't want to come here because of the great food or the supreme service. They were here because there was some super special video-game-arcade just around the corner and the guys wanted to go there badly. 

Javier and Maia had ordered the same dish and it took forever until they got their food. That's what you get when you choose the cheapest restaurant in the last corner of the middle of nowhere. The others were long finished and getting antsy. It took only a few minutes of grumbling and bitching from those guys, who suddenly behaved like preschoolers, and Javier had already more than enough of them. He asked them to just go away and play their games so he wouldn't have to listen to their complaints anymore. Going out with these people sometimes felt like taking a trip in a clown car. 

Javier and Maia didn't have to tell them twice that they'd gladly stay here on their own. It was a rare moment when they actually agreed on something wholeheartedly, but the guys really were annoying. Strangely enough, having a common enemy somehow managed to make the conversation between Javier and Maia go more smoothly. Not that they still needed as much help as they did a few months back when there was practically a referee or some kind of mediator necessary if those two were to be left alone. 

"Alex keeps bragging to me how super cool his single room is," she sighed with a laugh and theatrically rolled her eyes, but Javier didn't look like he was in much of a joking mood when it came to this topic. "Don't worry, he's totally downplaying it in front of the others. But some of those gossip girls still don't know when to put a sock in it. That's probably why some of them are still talking about... you know."

Javier knew very well what they were talking about and he didn't feel the need to put a whole new layer of talking on top of it, so he just nodded quietly.

"I don't think it's gonna stick. They're just trying to tease you and don't take this seriously." Javier smiled at her, hoping that she'd get the hint and drop the topic. "So, how's it going?"

"Good."

"Yuzu and Kana have been weird today. Should I be worried?"

"They had a fight but I think it's gonna blow over."

"Okay. Good. But at least you and Yuzu are doing okay, right?"

The others were long gone and aside from the staff they were pretty much the only people in the restaurant, and it wasn't like anybody here had the faintest idea who they were anyway. But Javier still didn't feel the need to discuss this with her in public.

"Wasn't he in Japan the whole last month?"

"He was."

"Well, then I get why you two have been hiding away the last few days. You probably didn't get to see much of him until this week, huh?" Javier again tried to resolve the situation with a smile, but that look on Maia's face made pretty clear that she wasn't done yet. "You know, I still think that you two would make a lovely addition to our vlog."

"And I already told you that you can forget about it."

"Oh come on, don't be such a prude. I'm sure it would be a blast. You're such a cute couple, everyone would want to see that. We'd get so many hits, they'd probably have to shut down YouTube for a while."

Javier didn't even attempt to reply anything to that. No answer would do him any good here. She obviously tried to push his buttons and taunt him, and she kept going at it while Javier sat there in silence and submitted to her ramblings. Surprisingly he didn't get upset about it, though. Sure, he didn't want to become her new girlfriend and talk about boys, shoes and nail polish. But this? This wasn't a serious discussion. This game he could play. Javier put down his glass, crossed his arms and leaned back. "I'm not doing it for free."

"You can be bought? Do you get paid by the hour?"

"Depends." Javier noisily cleared his throat and put on a look one would hardly ever expect outside of a sales pitch meeting. "How much would you pay?"

Maia looked up while still slurping from her spoon, making half of its content drop back into the plate and splash over the side. "Huh?"

"Like you said, we're a very attractive couple. If we help you boost your ratings, I think we should talk about compensation."

"We what?"

"And there have to be some rules. Kids can see those videos, right?" Maia opened her mouth, but words completely eluded her and all she could do was nod slightly. "Then we'll have to keep it clean. Kissing would be okay, I guess, but absolutely no tongue." She nearly dropped her spoon into the soup but managed to regain her grip at the last moment. "And I won't talk Yuzu into it, you'll have to handle him on your own. Good luck with that, he gets really sensitive with this kind of thing. You know, with cameras and all."

"Yuzu? Shy around cameras?" This ludicrous idea was finally enough to get her mouth working again. "Are we talking about the same guy?"

"Unfortunately. I already tried it, but the last time I wanted to film him with my cell phone while he was giving me..."

"Whoa! Shut up!"

"What? You started it."

"I was only kidding, I didn't need to hear about all your kinky..." Maia pushed the plate away from herself to the middle of the table. "I can't believe that you little perv actually wanted to make a... why would you even tell me that?"

"You asked. And it would've been really good because from my perspective it usually looks pretty hot when he..."

"Oh - my - God, rhetorical question, stop talking!" Maia stared at him with eyes so big it looked like they were actually getting bigger than her whole head. Javier shrugged, placidly picked up his spoon and continued to eat. Maia kept looking at him while Javier slurped his soup. "Are you for real?"

"Is that another rhetorical question or do you want an answer?"

"You're totally messing with me, aren't you?"

Javier didn't lose another word, but he obviously had some trouble to keep the soup in his mouth due to that giant smirk on his lips. Maia took a deep, noisy breath and was just about to snap at him for making her look like a fool. But then she leaned back, slightly tilted her head and crossed the arms in front of her chest. Javier kept eating and from time to time looked up at her while Maia was still staring at him. He was not about to restart this conversation, she had understood him just fine.

"You're different," she finally said quietly and with a tender smile. "You're serious about him, aren't you?"

"What makes you say that?"

"The last time I made a comment about your relationship you almost bit my head off."

"You know that I was just kidding, right? We absolutely never..."

"I know. But you're not the type to make jokes like that if you didn't feel sure about him. You seem much more... comfortable. It suits you."

"Why are you getting all sappy on me? Am I dying and don't know it yet?"

"Don't be an ass." Maia kicked him under the table, but not hard enough to actually hurt him. "Let me be happy for you."

Javier reached to the middle of the table and pushed the second plate back over. "Eat your food. I don't think that stuff gets any better when it's cold."

"I don't think it can get any worse either."

Javier dropped his spoon with a sigh of relief. "It's disgusting, isn't it?"

"I have no idea how you keep eating it the whole time, the smell alone makes me wanna puke."

"I had the choice between dying of hunger and dying of this."

"And you chose this? How stupid are you?"

"Yeah, well, I'm an idiot, there's nothing I can do about it." They looked at each other and started laughing before Javier already stood up and grabbed his jacket from the back of the chair. "The restaurant down the street looked halfway decent, maybe we should try our luck there."

Maia grabbed her things and rushed out as fast as she could, but her feet had barely touched the sidewalk when she abruptly stopped and slapped one hand against her forehead. "I forgot that I gave Alex my wallet because he was afraid he'd run out of change playing those stupid games."

"Don't worry, I got this."

Maia linked arms with Javier as they walked down the street. "Is this your gallant way of saying that you'd like to invite me to dinner?"

"Don't tell anyone that I was nice to you."

"Don't worry, your secret's save with me."


	12. Vigil

When Yuzuru got back to the hotel room late at night, Javier was already in bed and sleeping. Yuzuru immediately turned off the light again so he wouldn't wake him. The curtains were left ajar, but that didn't help much and so Yuzuru hit his shin on something while he stumbled through the darkness towards the bathroom. When he came out a few minutes later, he at least dared to switch on one of the dimmed nightlights that were put in the frame above the beds. God only knows what else he'd knock over if he kept tripping around in the black of night. 

Javier was lying in the right bed. Thankfully the sheets had been changed today. Yuzuru couldn't help but wonder if this was supposed to be a not so subtle hint as to how he would've wanted the night to end. But it looked like he was fast asleep, and when Javier didn't make the slightest move as Yuzuru ran the back of his hand over his cheek, he decided to leave him be and just sleep in the other bed. Yuzuru had barely turned around when something pulled on the bottom end of his shirt. 

"Hey, what do you think where you're going?"

"Sorry, I don't want to wake you up."

"Too late." Javier folded back the cover and moved over to make room for Yuzuru. Not that he needed all that much space anyway. "You'll never believe what I did tonight," Javier mumbled drowsily while Yuzuru grabbed a second pillow and then crawled into bed with him. "I made Maia speechless. I told her that I wanted to make a sex tape with you and she had absolutely no idea how to deal with that."

"She believes you?"

"She totally did."

Yuzuru muffled his giggles into the sheets. "You're crazy."

Javier put one arm around his waist and pulled him over. If he'd wanted him so far away, he would've let him sleep in the other bed. "How did it go with the others?"

"Good."

"Did you talk to Kana?"

Yuzuru nodded and fiddled around with his necklace that had gotten caught in a thread at the shirt collar. "What did you say to her at the rink?"

"Whoa, you're skipping a few steps here. Maybe you could first tell me what happened? Did you guys make up?"

"A little." Yuzuru stuffed one hand under the pillow and squished it together. "She don't come to dinner but I go up to her room later."

"Seriously?"

"Yes, seriously. It was not my idea, I only do that for you." 

Yuzuru made no attempt to hide his true intentions, he'd have done just fine without talking to her. It wasn't even about the horrible things she'd said to him. It was much worse that she'd forced his hand and gave him no other choice but to tell Javier about everything, and he couldn't even do it on his own terms. He wouldn't have minded letting her pay for that. But once they got talking he was actually glad that he'd gone to see her. She apologized at length and told him that she didn't really mean any of it, that she wanted to be happy for him. But that she also felt like he was moving on without her. Yuzuru couldn't help but notice how scared she sounded. He wasn't sure if he'd ever seen her be this self-conscious before.

"I'm still angry but she looked sad, so I say that I forgive her."

"You're too good to be true."

"Don't make fun of me."

"I don't, that was a nice thing to do. She was a wreck this afternoon. I think I got out just in time before she could start crying. You really did a number on her."

"She deserved it."

"Yeah, maybe." Javier gently caressed his cheek and came a little closer. "But I know that you don't enjoy it to punish people, even if they deserve it." Yuzuru tried to refuse his advances as if to prove him wrong, but Javier insisted on that kiss and eventually he got his way. 

"I still want to know what you say to her at the rink. She was... nice about you."

"She what?"

"She tells me that she thinks she was wrong about you. I'm not sure what she means, but I believe her."

"You don't understand her but you believe her? How does that work?" Yuzuru poked him in the ribs with two fingers, and those pointy digits certainly knew how to leave an impression. "Okay, okay, I get it." 

Javier took his hand before his fingertips could drill all the way through his shirt and skin. He'd known that this would come up sooner or later. He'd have preferred later but if it was to happen now, so be it. "I didn't tell you this before because it didn't seem important. Well, it's kinda important, but we already had enough problems and I didn't want it to sound like a cheap excuse or anything. I told Kana because it was the only thing she didn't know yet, that's all. It's not like I wanted her to know, I didn't want anybody to know."

Yuzuru's eyes were fixed on Javier's lips like that would help him understand better, because this mess of a word salad obviously didn't make any sense to him. Javier wasn't even sure why he was beating around the bush the way he did, it's not like he hadn't already said it out loud before. "I told her that Cortney cheated on me." The fuzzy light from the little lamp above wasn't much help, but Javier could've sworn that he saw relief in his eyes. "You don't look surprised."

"I'm not."

"Why?"

"Because... I already know that."

"You... what?" Javier moved back a little, sat up and leaned on one elbow. "How? Who told you?"

"Nobody. I guessed."

"How the hell would you guess something like that?"

Yuzuru rolled on his back and looked up at him from the side. "You were different with her and I see that something is wrong. Then she comes to visit for training one day. Brian teaches you to do something different because he says the way you do it, it's like cheating. And nobody likes cheaters." Yuzuru's hand fleetingly brushed against Javier's arm. "I see you look at her when he says that."

For a while Javier just stared at him with his mouth opened wide, his eyes even wider, wondering how to interpret this shy smile of his that looked like it wanted to apologize for not talking about something that Javier didn't want to be talked about anyway. "You got to be kidding me. Most of the time you should use a dictionary to understand even half of what Brian says to you. But you got _that_ ?" 

Another inexplicable smile played around Yuzuru's lips and the timid look on his face turned into something very different. "That wasn't about understanding Brian. That was understanding you." Yuzuru pulled Javier back down and snuggled up to him. "Can we turn off light, please? I'm so tired."

Javier had to push him a bit to the side in order to reach the switch, but as soon as he'd laid back down Yuzuru simply glided back into his embrace as though he'd never left it. It was crazy how this body seemed to just naturally fit into his arms. Never once had he felt uncomfortable holding him like this, sleeping side by side, just being near him. But he started to notice his absence more and more. All those nights when he'd fall asleep alone, when all he had was the thought of him. 

Javier knew that he'd been completely out of control after Cortney had confessed what she'd done, how she'd had this one-nighter with some other skater while she was away for training. He hadn't even been angry, not really. He'd been hurt and disappointed, frustrated, even blamed himself for a while. And he hadn't been ready to give up on this relationship. But as much as he'd wanted to restore his faith in her, it just wouldn't work. Maybe he'd been deluding himself, maybe the will to try had never been there and he'd just been hanging on to something that didn't even exist anymore. All this had changed him and Javier knew it, just as he knew that others had noticed that he wasn't the same anymore. But never in a million years would he have guessed that somebody would pick up on the actual reason behind everything, because he'd never told anybody about it, and he was pretty sure that Cortney hadn't either.

Javier felt the constant movement of Yuzuru's body as he peacefully breathed in and out. He resisted the urge to bend down and kiss him, he only very carefully ran his fingers over the top layer of his hair so he wouldn't accidentally wake him.

"You don't think it's crazy that I trust you, do you?" he whispered silently in his own language. "Because despite everything that has already happened between us... I think this can really work."

Yuzuru took a deep breath and produced a curious smacking noise while snuggling his face further into Javier's chest. It sounded like they were in agreement.


	13. Long Distance

Javier restlessly fiddled around with his cell phone. Every once in a while he checked the time, looked at the numbers he'd last dialed or skimmed through old messages. He'd texted Yuzuru almost half an hour ago but hadn't gotten an answer yet. It was late at night, maybe he was already asleep. That's why Javier had texted him in the first place instead of just calling. But before this day was over he sure would've liked to hear from him. Anything. His voice would be nice. Maybe he could get an update on how he was doing, how his day had been. Or they'd talk about something a little less sober. Javier sure had one or two ideas of the more personal kind.

Yuzuru hadn't been in good shape lately. After the ice show he'd stayed in Japan for another couple of weeks. During that time he'd injured his back in training and was instructed to slow down and take it easy for a few weeks, which was just about the worst thing you could ask of a guy like him. Once he'd come back to Toronto he'd complained about it to Javier for hours. He said it was like asking the world to stop turning, it's not like you could tell it to rotate a bit slower for a while. And then he started pouting when Javier asked if he'd really just compared himself to a planet. He knew that skating was important to him but, damn, putting it on a planetary scale really was something else.

But once the initial aggravation had subsided he accepted the situation, along with his new training schedule which for now kept him completely away from the Cricket Club and only allowed him some light strength training. Therefore he spent most of his time either at the gym or at home, and Javier hadn't seen him or heard from him for the past few days. This was quite normal and happened a lot whenever they were separated by various oceans and continents, but it was rather unusual when they were in the same town. 

Javier was quite sure that Yuzuru would already be in bed, presumably accompanied by either a book or a video game, depending on how stressful his day had been. But considering that he had to sit out training at the moment, he probably felt the urge to work harder on something else, so chances were that he'd chosen the textbook. What the hell, he'd just call him. The phone rang and rang and rang. Javier was just about to hang up when Yuzuru finally answered. He sounded a bit drowsy, making Javier feel bad that he couldn't pull himself together.

"Hey. Sorry, did I wake you? You didn't return my text so I thought I'd just call."

"You don't wake me." The answer got interrupted by something that sure sounded like a yawn. "I'm in bed but I still read."

Of course he did. Bonus points for the genius who knew how much of an obsessive workaholic his boyfriend really was.

"Am I disturbing you?"

"No, we can talk."

Javier heard the book being closed and then the rustling noise of the bed linen as Yuzuru turned on his back to get more comfortable. He'd completely forgotten the time while he was reading and had been in this position for much too long anyway. Right now his back didn't like it all that much to be stuck in one immobile position for a lengthy period of time. This unexpected reminder to move around a bit was more than welcomed by his body.

"You need something?"

"No, I just wanted to hear how you're doing."

Yuzuru told him about his training at the gym, how much he hated it because it was the only physical activity he was allowed and that he was already going stir-crazy. But at least he now had all this free time, which gave him the chance to catch up on his studies. Okay, so far so good. Any normal person wouldn't still consider it free time if said time was used for studying but all right, at least he was thinking positive. As per usual he was going completely overboard instead of taking a rest, but that was pretty much the basis of his whole personality and couldn't be helped. 

"Sounds exhausting," Javier threw in after Yuzuru had been ranting for a couple of minutes without interruption. "You must be tired. I didn't mean to keep you up."

"You don't. Tell me what you do. How was training?"

"The usual, nothing special."

"You miss me there?"

"Not really."

"Hey."

"You know how it is. There's a whole crowd of people, one skater more or less doesn't really make a difference."

Yuzuru puffed through his nose and sounded a bit miffed, if not so say slightly iffy. "You just call to tell me that you don't need me?"

"I'm not at training right now. And right now I miss you."

"You really think that works now?"

"I'm serious. I would totally prefer it if I had you here in my bed right now."

"So you only miss me in bed?"

"It's pretty much all I can think of."

"If that is all, maybe I just hang up and sleep now."

"Oh come on, admit it." All of a sudden Javier's voice sounded a tad softer than just a second ago. "You’d like that, too.”

Yuzuru felt the corners of his mouth rush so far up, it actually hurt his cheeks. He certainly recognized that tone.

"I could roll over and sit over your lap. Maybe I'd kiss you before I take off your shirt."

"Maybe?"

Javier could virtually see Yuzuru’s face in front of his mind’s eye, how he was probably pushing his lower lip forward while he furrowed his brow in a way that made a deep line appear between his eyes. "I really need that shirt to go, so kissing might have to wait a little longer."

"But I like kissing."

"Then you better get that shirt off quickly."

Yuzuru wasn't completely opposed to this game but still didn't act on Javier's words. Was he being serious about this? "Is it gone yet?" came it from the other side of the phone. He sounded impatient, but not in a bad way. And then Yuzuru did something he usually hated: he lied to him. But Javier sounded so pleased when he told him that he'd taken his shirt off.

"Good. Now I wish even more that you were here so I can look at you."

Yuzuru didn't want to disappoint him. He felt like he shouldn't stop him from going on. But if this was heading where he thought it was, then he was not in the right place for it. This was literally one of the worst locations ever to engage in something like this. Did he lock his door? Of course he didn't. Why would he lock his door? Was there even a key? 

"You've been working hard on that body the last few months. I like that."

"Really?"

"You look hot and you know it. If I had you here right now, I couldn't resist touching you. I'd kiss your neck first. Real softly, just a little bit. And then I'd slide down to kiss your chest. My lips wouldn't leave your body until I get to your stomach, and then I'd stick my tongue into your belly button and let it roll in there."

Yuzuru started to giggle. "But I always must laugh when you do that."

"I know, that's why I do it. I like it that you make all those funny noises when I tickle you with my tongue. You always try to stop me, you grab my hair and pull me away. But I don't mind because I can just go back to kissing your chest. That looks really great by now."

"You don't like it before?"

"I liked it a lot." Javier emphasized his appreciation with a sigh and a quite humming noise. "But you've been working hard on those muscles, haven't you?"

"I have."

"It was worth it. Your body was great before but..." Javier took a deep, noisy breath and licked his lips in a way that the sound just had to travel. "I couldn't stop my hands even if I wanted to, but I just want them to touch every part of you. I'd put them on your shoulders and let them run down your chest. You feel so soft, my fingers would just glide over your naked skin, up and down, over and over again. My hands would be all over you and I'd trace every line on your chest with my fingertips. Would you like that? If I was touching you right now?"

Yuzuru's hand had unwittingly ended up under his shirt, roaming all over his body while he was thinking how he'd much rather be touched by him. And then he thought that he'd better remember to keep it down and not get too loud because his mother was sleeping in the room across the hallway. The idea alone should've been the worst mood killer ever, but when he heard Javier's voice again he couldn't have cared less. 

"I bet your nipples are already getting hard, aren't they? I can feel it under my fingertips every time my hand runs over your chest. I'd like to pinch them and rub them between my fingers to get them even harder. I want to put my lips on your nipples right now. I'd circle my tongue around them, I'd suck on them and lick them until you make that noise." Javier heard a stifled version of the high-pitched moan he'd come to expect in these moments. It was exciting to know that the mere thought of his touch would cause Yuzuru to make that exquisite sound. "But you wanted me to kiss you, right?"

Yuzuru only needed one word to answer him, but instead he resigned to an affirmative grunt.

"Good, because I really want that, too. Your mouth is my favorite thing to touch with my lips. I know that you will open your lips for me so that our tongues can touch. I love it when you do that, when your tongue already comes towards mine and they meet between our lips. It's driving me crazy how you taste, how good it feels when our tongues roll around each other, how I can suck on your lips and nip them before I slide my tongue back into your mouth." Javier could hear his silent wheezing and sometimes a suppressed sigh would surface between the sounds of his breathing. "I'd keep kissing you, just let our tongues play around while my hand runs down your body until I get between your legs. I'd rub you through your pants and I can feel that you're already hard. I don't have to ask if you want more, huh? I can already feel that you're turned on. I bet you're wearing your sweatpants so I can just push my fingers under your waistband and slip my hand in there. Feels like your getting harder again, aren't you?"

The sounds Yuzuru made didn't count as answers anymore, they were merely noisy reactions to sentences that sounded like questions but weren't really meant as such.

"I'd touch you just the way you like it. I know you don't want it so rough at the beginning, so I'll go nice and slow, move my hand up and down smoothly, over and over. And I keep kissing you while I touch you. You like how that feels? How I push my tongue in your mouth while my hand keeps moving up and down and my fingers rub so hard over your skin. You want more of that? Or I could just go down and do it with my mouth. Would you want that?" He still didn't get any answers but took the heavy breathing as a sign of approval. "I'd pull your pants down and push your legs apart. Your thighs look beautiful. So firm and strong, but your skin always feel so warm and soft. I know you like it when I kiss them, when I let my tongue run along the inside of your thighs, from your knee all the way down to..." Javier got interrupted by a groan that was neither short nor quiet. "Yeah, I know, I'm just teasing you. You want me to get on with it. You want that I put my hand around your hard cock again, that I just take it in my mouth and suck it."

Javier heard him take a sharp breath through his teeth and then let it out through his nose with a shaky noise. He could just about see how Yuzuru's body must be shaking and twitching under his own touches.

"You should open your eyes and look down. I know you like to watch me while I do this. You like to see how I stick my tongue out and lick along the side of your cock. And I know you also like that dirty noise it makes when I wrap my lips around your tip and start sucking on it. You want to hear me suck you while I take you so deep into my mouth, don't you? You want to hear that sound and watch how your cock moves in and out of my mouth again and again." Javier just loved how Yuzuru's soft moans had by now turned into restrained whimpering. "You like that, huh? I sure like how it feels to suck you and lick you and touch you. I can already taste that you're close. Can you feel it? How my lips and tongue move all around your cock, how I keep stroking and sucking you so hard and... I want you to come now. Come on, Yuzu, just let go, let go and come for me."

Javier breathed heavily into the phone, sprinkled his own moans with further encouragements. He knew damn well that Yuzuru wasn't one to come quietly and also that he didn't have the luxury to just scream it out right now. He could hear how Yuzuru's voice got higher and higher, even though the sound was muffled, probably by a pillow or the sheets. But he could still hear him gradually lose control until all that was left were those last few fervent gasps that got instantly suffocated.

After a very long moment of silence the sound of labored breathing reached Javier's ear once again. He heard some words in Japanese through Yuzuru's wheezing but he wouldn't bother asking what he was saying.

"You okay over there?"

"Hai." It sounded less like an answer and more like he was still struggling to catch his breath after almost smothering himself.

"You sure I don't have to catch your inhaler for you?" Javier laughed as quietly as possible when he heard a half-giggled "baka" somewhere in the background. Good, as long as he could still call him an idiot, in whatever language, he was obviously quite all right. "It was nice talking to you," he eventually said, not without a remarkably audible smirk on his lips. 

"That was..." Yuzuru had overcome the moment of completely blissed out headlessness, but he still had very little to say about this experience. "That was new."

"You mean we finally found something that you haven't done before?" Javier now laughed freely and without restraint. "After all the firsts I had with you, now it's finally my turn? I wish you would've told me, I would've made it special."

"Oh, you were special," it spouted out of Yuzuru before he released another heartfelt sigh. 

"Good. I'm happy you liked this."

"I'm... I'm sorry but... you want that I do this now?"

Javier managed to suppress another laugh because he knew that Yuzuru might take it the wrong way. "No, that won't be necessary."

"I can but..."

"It’s okay, really."

Yuzuru had no problem at all talking dirty to him. Sometimes when they had sex he'd say things to Javier that made him blush. _While_ they were _already having sex_. That was some accomplishment. But hitting him with a few naughty phrases in English was one thing, stringing a lot more words to actual phone sex quite another. And Javier knew that Yuzuru might not feel up to this particular challenge.

"Don't worry about it, I'll take care of myself." Javier suddenly realized that he'd better do that rather sooner than later. He'd been so enthralled by Yuzuru's reaction, he’d completely forgotten about himself.

"I'm sorry."

Yuzuru seemed genuinely upset, which was quite a pity because that's not how one should feel after what had sounded like a halfway decent orgasm.

"Don't be," Javier tried to reassure him once again. “That was fun for me, too.”

“It was?”

“Are you kidding? Absolutely. Just thinking about what I would do to you if you were here, that is..." Javier inevitably moaned into the phone as he started touching himself. "I just need you to... just stay with me, Yuzu. Will you do that for me?" 

Yuzuru giggled and sighed breathily because he knew how much Javier enjoyed it when he made those silly little noises. "I'm here for you."


	14. Prepare Yourself

I’ve made a decision. I’ve thought about this a lot, at least for the last couple of months I have. Before then it wasn’t an issue I gave much thought because it was and still is not important to me. I don’t care one bit if people know that I’m in a relationship with a man. They shouldn’t care either but they do and I know this is how things work. This is not only my life to live. I might not always like it but that’s how it is, that's the life I've chosen. I really don't care either way, I don't want to make a big deal out of it. I know that some people like to announce it to the world that they are different but I don't feel different, I don't want to be any more different than I already am. This is one of the few things that feels normal and right to me. I want to treat it that way. But this is no longer just about me.

I know that Javi still feels differently about all this and that is exactly why I've made the decision to leave it up to him if and when we’d stop keeping our relationship a secret. There are only two ways to go and he's the one who cares about the direction we'll take, so he should be the one to call the shots. At first Javi actually accused me of wanting to pass the responsibility on to him, so that only he would be to blame if it turned out that he'd made the wrong decision. It took some explaining, but I think he did understand me in the end.  
Because I really don't care.

I know quite a few other skaters who have relationships and nobody knows about those. They're together, they're happy, but they don't display it publicly. And it doesn't matter, there's no need for them to flaunt their affection for each other in front of everybody else because they know what they have and that's enough.  
It would be enough for me. 

I don't mind showing the world what he means to me, but that's also why I don't care about anybody else. I'll happily keep this relationship a secret forever, as long as it means that I'll get to keep him. But I know that holding back like this is really hard for Javi because he's used to doing the complete opposite. He's always been so open about his relationship with Cortney. There were all those little things he'd do with her in public, like holding her hand, giving her a kiss on the cheek, brushing the hair out of her face or just giving her a hug because he felt like doing it. With me he can't be like that because then people would now.  
And that would be okay for me, too.

It won't be long until his parents come to Toronto for a visit. They'll arrive sometime in the afternoon and we're supposed to all have dinner together in the evening. That's when he wants to tell them. But I suggested that it might be better to first pay them a visit at their hotel. I didn't want to say it out loud because I didn't want to upset Javi, but secretly I'm afraid of how they might react. Of course I didn’t tell him about that, he has enough worries of his own and I can't even offer any reassurances. All I can do is keep telling him that it's going to be okay, although I can't be sure about that. I've met his parents several times but I don't really know all that much about them. They're nice.

Javi had asked me for advice as to how he should go about telling them. At first I wasn't even sure if he was being serious. How would I know? Having a guy's mother walk in on us while I was going down on him didn't really count as _'telling my parents'_ as far as I was concerned. He sure wouldn't want his parents to find out like that. I've never been through this routine since I don't exactly go around telling people that I'm bisexual. (God, I still hate that word. Somebody really has to make up a nicer word for this.) Some people know about it by accident, like my parents. And my sister. And Alex and Maia. Come to think of it, pretty much everyone knows about it by accident. Except for Kana, she's the only one I told. And when I did, she said almost the same thing that my mother would say later.

_"I had a feeling but I'm glad that you told me. I love you with all my heart and I only want that you find somebody who makes you happy. I don't care if it's a girl, a boy or a yellow fluffy toy."_

And then she laughed at me and made some pretty snarky comments because I started crying. I don't think I've ever loved her more than at that moment.

But the part about actually having to tell somebody is not really what makes me feel like I have to issue a tornado warning for my stomach, because I was being honest when I told him that I didn't care if people knew, I'm no longer conflicted about this. No, my biggest problem is far more selfish. I'm just afraid that my boyfriend's parents might not like me. I know that they do, at least that's what he told me, but that was before, when we were just friends and training partners. I actually apologized to Javi when I realized that this was the exact same reason why he'd behaved so strangely around my mother the first few weeks we were together. Back then I thought he was just being silly, but now I have to admit that this feeling is anything but pleasant and rather disturbing.

Javi's trying to make a real plan for the day he’ll tell his parents. I'm surprised he hasn't printed out some kind of schedule that would lay out the whole meeting minute by minute. But he wants to be prepared, I can empathize with that. He chose his words carefully and thought a very long time about what he wanted to say to them. In the end it had become somewhat of a speech, but I guess it's better to have a recital prepared instead of nothing to say at all. He roughly translated for me what he'd tell them and now he's practicing it over and over again in Spanish. Of course I don't understand one bit, but after I've heard it for what feels like a million times, I'm starting to memorize the sound of it. At some point it stopped being a speech and now it's more like a peculiar song, one of those that are stuck in your head forever and which you just can't get out of your mind no matter how hard you try. There's only one part I understand because those few Spanish words I'll recognize forever. 

The first time he told me that he loved me it was a bit of an issue for me, because I felt like it was much too soon for him to say that. Or rather that it was too soon for him to actually know that. I told him how I felt about this and after a while he did stop saying it. That didn't really instill much confidence in me either because, after all, we've had our ups and downs within a fairly short lapse of time. And for one extraordinarily stupid moment I actually feared that he might have changed his mind about this. About me. I have absolutely no idea why I would even think something like that. He's trying so hard to let me know what he's feeling. Or maybe he's not trying at all, I don't know. But sometimes he does things that make me wonder. 

Like this one time when I spent the night at his apartment again. I was lying on his bed, playing my video game and didn't even realize that he'd come back into the room until I felt something on my back. When I looked over my shoulder and asked him what he was doing, he said that he'd just found the perfect place for a nap. Which I found quite curious because to me it looked like he'd put his head on my ass and was fondling my thighs while we were lying cheek to cheek. Granted, I'm still trying to get him a little more interested in my rear end, but turning myself into a body pillow was certainly not what I had in mind.

I let him be and I think he actually dozed off for a little while. But then he started poking me with one finger and kept asking how much longer he had to wait, and all I wanted to do was finish this level because, really, he could wait another few minutes. I would stay the night, this body wasn't going anywhere and it's not like he needed my full attention while he was groping me. He started mumbling to himself in Spanish and finally laid down next to me. I didn't give it much thought when he told me about some videos he'd watched online lately. I know that he likes to do that in his free time but it's nothing that really interests me. Unlike my video game, which was driving me insane because I just couldn't figure out how to get over that last barrier and make it to the next level. 

My avatar fell from the sky and crashed on the ground when my fingers stopped moving. At least with one ear I had been listening to Javi, and so I did hear it when he told me that he'd watched a video of the charity event where I participated at the end of August. He knew that I'd skated my old program for them but I hadn't told him about the other segment they'd filmed. And for good reason. Now he asked all those questions. Why did they have to make me go back to one of the places where people stayed after the disaster and couldn't I just say no to stuff like that if I knew how hard it would be for me. He took my console away and made me sit up when I tried to dodge his questions. I told him that it wasn't so bad and that he worried for no reason, that I had agreed to this visit because I was actually really okay with it. But he insisted that I wouldn't have kept this from him if I really thought that it wasn't a big deal. 

I couldn't look at him when he took my hand and asked why I never talked about it, if I ever talked about it with anyone besides my family. And I had no idea how to explain it to him in a way that he might understand. I didn't have the words to tell him that it wasn't really me who talked about all those things in public, that there was this whole other person I had to become in order to not completely lose it whenever I talk about my experiences. I hate this, I hate this so much. I don't give a damn if I will ever be capable of giving a complete interview in English without making a fool of myself. But not being able to tell him something the way I want him to know and understand, it annoys me to no end.

"It always makes people feel bad for me. I don't want that from you. And..." I forced the corners of my mouth upwards in a feeble attempt to trick my mind. "And I always cry. I can talk about it for a while but then I always cry." When I inadvertently blinked, the first small drop already ran down my cheek. I'm such a sucker, there was absolutely no reason at all for this. I hadn't even said anything to him. But the way he looked at me was enough to remember how many times I wanted to tell him about it. The topic had come up before and some questions had been implied, but I've never said anything out loud because I don't know how. But in my mind I've had this conversation a million times, and it always ended with me in tears and him feeling sorry for me.

I didn't resist when he took me in his arms, at least this way he didn't get to actually see me cry. I felt bad when he apologized for asking about it in the first place. I felt even worse when he said that he didn't mean to make me cry. And then I lost track of my feelings when he pulled me closer to lay down with him and said, "I don't feel bad for you. That sounds like pity and you don't need that. But you can cry as much as you need to, I'll be here till you stop."

People always say that I'm so smart and mature beyond my years, but I think those people have absolutely no idea who I am. Because if I were all those things, I couldn't possibly be such an idiot. He does things like that and still I worry because he no longer says those words which I specifically asked him not to say too lightly. 

While I might be an idiot, I'm not completely stupid. Because I did notice that he kept saying another sentence to me in Spanish and whenever he did, he had that look on his face that almost made my heart stop. I asked him what those words meant but he wouldn't tell me. He said it wasn't important right now and I didn't push it because we do this all the time. We both sometimes say things in our own language and it's not always important enough to search for an adequate translation, so we don't even try and find other ways to make each other understand. But those words, they kept coming back until one night I couldn't take it anymore. I swallowed my pride and practically begged him to just tell me what they meant. At first I was tempted to smack that smug look from his face, because he'd obviously been waiting for this and had known exactly that it was driving me crazy. But then he looked at me with this smile that I so adore, he stroked my hair, kissed me and said, "It means _you make me happy_."

I felt like such a cliché. There I was, lying half-naked in his bed, hearing exactly what I needed to hear, because I'm insecure and scared and just a goddamn fool. And then I succeeded in making it worse by letting my sappy heart take over and allowing it to knock my brain out cold. Because all I wanted to do was crawl over, hold him as tightly as possible until we'd both be unable to breath and tell him just how much I loved him. I didn’t even realize that the words had actually left my lips until I felt his fingers run through my hair again, and then I heard him laugh quietly before he whispered, "I know."


	15. Family Matters

It was Thursday. Day X. They had counted down the days on the calendar like little kids would do in the weeks before Christmas, only their excitement was of a very different nature.

Javier's parents stayed at a nearby hotel. _Room 413_ they'd texted him once they'd arrived. The weather was a mess. The day before had been perfect, with the sun shining and the sky brighter and bluer than ever. But when they woke up this morning, it was cold and rainy. It almost seemed like nature was mocking them by putting a gray veil over the world. It was chilly and damp outside, but the hotel wasn't all that far away from the Cricket Club, so Javier and Yuzuru decided to walk there after they'd finished their training. Neither of them spoke a word the whole way. They exchanged a few glances every once in a while, and each time Yuzuru would smile at him as encouragingly as he possibly could.

It took forever until they got into one of the tiny elevators at the hotel. They would've been faster had they just taken the stairs, but they weren't in a hurry. When they finally reached the fourth floor, they followed the signs down the left hallway. 401, 402, 403. The further they went, the slower Javier's steps became, and Yuzuru adjusted his own pace to stay right by his side. 413. Javier stared at the tiny numbers that were written in pale golden letters on the wall next to the door, slightly above the height of the door handle. Yuzuru waited patiently, but when Javier had seemingly stopped breathing for what felt like at least a minute, he said quietly, "It's okay if you change your mind. I can go home and you..." He couldn't finish the sentence before Javier knocked without taking his eyes from the writing on the wall.

The door opened and Javier's mother greeted him with a big smile and an even bigger hug. Yuzuru had hardly ever met anybody who was more enthusiastic about a big hello. And he'd met a few people in his life. When she spotted Yuzuru, she immediately leapt at him as well and kissed him several times on both cheeks. Javier knew that he hated that. Yuzuru tolerated all that unnecessary hugging and kissing from strangers during official events, but only because he had to. Anything else would've been impolite, and he detested rudeness even more. Javier had explained to him that this was just his mother's way of showing her affection. He also said that he'd gladly ask her not to do that anymore, but Yuzuru wouldn't hear of it. He said that if this was her way of expressing her feelings, then he'd happily accept it and feel honored that she considered him worthy of her affection. The little diplomat. 

Once they'd made it into the room, Javier's father greeted them with a firm handshake, as he always did. With his mother's tendency to freely express every emotion she could possible experience and his father's sober containment, his parents pretty much evened each other out. After a few polite words towards Yuzuru, the further conversation started off in Spanish and stayed that way. But Javier had already warned Yuzuru that this would happen and that he'd probably not be able to understand all that much of what would be going on. At least he already knew what Javier had planned to say to them.

His mother was happy to see Yuzuru again, but she was also a bit confused about his presence. "I thought we were supposed to meet your new girlfriend tonight. Why didn't you bring her? Will we meet her at the restaurant?"

Javier felt like all the blood in his body had suddenly rushed to his head, only to immediately leave it just as quickly. "Um... no, not... not exactly. The thing is..." Great, his carefully planned speech had just gone down a mental drain. 

"Why are you being so cryptic about this? You wouldn't even tell us her name, that's not like you."

"Well, it's..." If his mind was any blanker, he'd be at risk of forgetting his own name. "Technically I didn't really say that I have a new girlfriend because..."

"It's Cortney, isn't it? You're back together." Javier didn't even get the chance to protest this ludicrous idea. "It's okay, we understand. And I apologize for all the spiteful things I said about her after your breakup." She took his face between both hands, pulled him down and kissed him on the cheek. "I'm your mother. I'm allowed to get upset on your behalf."

"Good to know." Javier rubbed his face with the back of his hand because he was almost certain that there had to be a giant lipstick stain. "You don't have to apologize for anything because I'm _not_ back together with Cortney."

Yuzuru had no idea what they were talking about. Except for Cortney's name he hadn't understood one single word. But when Javier reached out and took him by the hand, he knew that he was about to tell them. His palm was sweaty and his fingers incredibly tense. For a few seconds Javier just stood there, staring at the floor and holding Yuzuru's hand while his parents quietly exchanged a look.

"Javier, honey." When she glanced down at their hands, she noticed how Yuzuru's thumb calmly ran over the back of her son's hand. "What's going on?"

Javier's eyes were still firmly fixed on the carpet and he only lifted his head when Yuzuru lightly squeezed his hand. "I'm with him," it finally spilled out of him because he honestly couldn't think of any other way to say it. He cautiously looked at his father, but the only reaction he got from there was one raised eyebrow and a fairly baffled stare. His mother just blinked at them vacuously, her gaze wandering between the two boys who were still clinging to each other's hand.

"I don't understand. What do you mean, you're with him?"

"I mean that we're together."

"Together how? I don't understand. What do you mean you're..."

"Boyfriend, mamá, he's my boyfriend. It's not that hard to understand."

Heavy silence conquered the room. At first it barely dared to be interrupted by the distant humming of the air conditioner, but after a little while it was joined by Javier's mother who noisily opened and closed her mouth a few times until she eventually spoke up again. "You're kidding, aren't you?"

Javier bit his lower lip and tried to hold her gaze, but once again he ended up staring into blank space. "No, I'm serious."

Yuzuru was still at a loss as to what was going on, but he tried to read the faces of Javier's parents. His father was just sitting there. So far he hadn't said a word about this and seemed at best a bit irritated. But his mother's expression had changed. He couldn't quite tell in which way, but it was more than just confusion. She exchanged another look with her husband and then visibly forced herself to close her mouth, which had been gaping wide the whole time.

"You _are_ kidding, right?" she asked again and faked a not very convincing laugh. "I'm not really getting the joke but..."

"Mamá." Javier sounded exhausted, like it took him all the physical strength he had to even say that one word out loud. The only thing that kept him from running for the hills was the feeling of that soft hand still firmly holding on to his own, and the knowledge that it wouldn't let go, no matter what. "I'm not kidding. I wouldn't even tell you about this if it wasn't serious." Javier glanced at his father who was still sitting quietly on his chair. This wasn't unusual for him, it was in fact quite typical that his mother would take it upon herself to handle the major share of every conversation. But right now Javier surely would've appreciated a second opinion on the matter.

"Should we have known this?" Her tone was almost as ambiguous as the look on her face. The pleasant brightness that normally resonated in her voice whenever she spoke to Javier, it seemed to have disappeared completely and had been replaced by this elusive undertone. 

"No, you couldn't have known." Javier slightly shook his head, his voice getting quieter with every single breath. "There are only very few people who know about us, that's why..."

"No, I mean should we have known that you're gay?"

Once again the room filled with crushing silence, and by now even the air conditioner refused to help out and offer some kind of distraction. It would've been really nice if Javier could've remember his speech right now, because he'd anticipated this question and he'd prepared such a good answer. Well, not really a good one, but at least it would've been an answer. Anything would've been better than the complete emptiness that currently occupied his mind. 

Yuzuru had no idea what was happening around him. Sometimes Javier's parents looked at him questioningly but wouldn't actually address him in any way. All he could do was stand there and smile like an idiot while this Spanish soap opera was going on around him. Javier's speech obviously never happened. He would've recognized it. But none of the prepared words ever left his mouth. He knew Javier's tone of voice well enough to realize that something was wrong. He sounded so scared at first. And then he sounded annoyed. Javier started to squeeze his hand until it actually hurt, but Yuzuru didn't even think about pulling it away. At some point his father had joined the conversation and now the three of them started yelling at each other. Without warning Javier suddenly dragged Yuzuru out of the room.

"Javi, what..."

"We're leaving!"

Javier slammed the door shut, let go of his hand and raced down the hallway. For a second Yuzuru stood there frozen in shock. When he was about to go after him, the door behind him opened and Javier's mother came out. She tried to say something, but Yuzuru didn't give her the chance. He bowed slightly, mumbled a quick "I'm sorry" while he already turned to leave and then ran after Javier. The last thing he needed was to get caught in the crossfire. Javier was walking so fast, Yuzuru could barely catch up with him. He didn't bother waiting for the elevator but went straight for the stairwell. When they reached the ground floor, Yuzuru had to hold him back by the arm before Javier could storm out.

"What happened?"

"Can we please just get out of here?"

Yuzuru pulled on the sleeve of Javier's jacket once again, but when he still didn't answer with anything more than another shake of the head, Yuzuru let go of him. Javier immediately turned around and rushed out of the building. Yuzuru kept walking two steps behind him, because whenever he tried to close up to him, Javier's step would become a little faster and his head would turn even further away from him.

Javier didn't look like he'd put much thought into his escape route, but obviously his feet hadn't been wandering around as aimlessly as his head, and so they found themselves at a crossroads a few minutes later. They'd been here before. They only had to walk over the pedestrian crossing, follow the street for a little while longer, and then they'd once again be in that little park where they'd spent so many hours this past summer. Yuzuru stepped next to Javier while they waited for the traffic light to turn green. They looked at each other, nodded, and then went on to walk down the road side by side.


	16. Private Matters

It had been drizzling the whole way there, but when they reached the park, the rain finally stopped. There were hardly any other people out here so they didn't have to look for a hiding place in the bushes like they used to do, but they chose to sit on one of the little benches nearby the walkway. Yuzuru pulled out some tissues to at least dry the seat a little bit before he sat down, but Javier just slumped down into the first puddle of water like he didn't even notice it.

"You want to tell me?" Yuzuru finally asked when he couldn't stand the quietness-contest anymore. But Javier seemed reluctant. "I only try to understand."

Javier sighed deeply and rubbed the palms of his hands over his wet hair. "I told them but they just didn't get it and... then it somehow got out of control."

"Why?"

"Because they kept asking me how this happened and since when I've know that I'm now _suddenly_ gay. And I kept telling them that I have no idea how or why it happened and that it just is what it is and... Don't look at me like that."

"Like what?"

"I know that you think I'm being cute or whatever, but I'm not. This whole thing is still really confusing for me." They were both fully aware that Javier once again made it sound worse than it actually was. But he still didn't appreciate that Yuzuru dropped his shoulders and rolled his eyes with a quiet sigh. "I'm serious, it's not like I'm running around looking at other guys differently because I think they're hot or anything."

"Good." Yuzuru either had no off-switch for that coy look on his face or he simply didn't care to remove it at this very moment. "I don't need competition."

"Shut up, that's not funny."

"Now you're angry at me?"

"I might just get angry at you if you keep making jokes."

"What do you want that I say?"

"I want you to take me seriously."

"I do. But you just say silly things and don't explain much."

Javier bent down, wrapped his arms around his thighs and buried his face between his knees. Yuzuru heard little more than grunts and unintelligible babbling until finally some actual words started to resurface. "It was a mistake to tell them." Javier sat up again and stared at some trees on the other side of the road. "I should've just listened to you when you told me that it was a stupid idea." Javier got no reaction at all, which he found a bit weird because he'd at least expected something along the lines of "I told you so." Yuzuru would've had every right to say it, because he had indeed told him so several times. Not necessarily with such direct words, but Javier had understood him all the same. When he finally turned towards him, the look on Yuzuru's face didn't shed any more light on his thoughts either. "Really? Nothing?" Yuzuru averted his eyes. If Javier didn't know better he could've sworn that he was blushing.

"It was nice idea. I understand why you want to tell them."

"You do?"

"Yes. You're like your mother."

"Take that back right now."

"That's not bad," Yuzuru laughed and actually provoked something like a faint smile to appear on Javier's face. "She always shows feelings, she never hides. You're the same. We always hide from everybody and you don't like that." Yuzuru bumped into his shoulder and tried to avoid Javier's gaze, because he knew it would make him want to do things he shouldn't do in public. "I think maybe you don't want to hide me from family. That was nice." Yuzuru had barely peeked at Javier but he had to look away even faster. It didn't take him more than this quick glance to recognize the look on his face. He'd better brought the conversation back on track before they both lost their heads. "Why did you all start to yell? What did you say to your father?"

"Lots of things."

"You know what I mean. He only gets angry when you say that one thing, and I hear you say my name. Tell me."

"That was not my fault. When I told them that you're not just some fling, he practically _complained_ that I was burdening them with too much information." Javier looked at the tips of his shoes that were banging against each other continuously. "Like this was hard on _them_ or whatever, because I was totally springing this on them without any prior warning." Javier took a quick breath and sharply puffed the air out through his nose. "So I asked him what I should've done in his opinion. If he wanted me to send an email saying something like _'Hey, just a little heads-up here: I'm fucking Yuzu. See you next week.'_ "

Uh-oh. That wasn't a good look. What was that? Shock? Anger? Disbelief? A little bit of everything?

"You can't talk to your father like that. It's very, _very_ rude."

Ah, okay, disapproval. Well, sometimes his face was hard to read. Yuzuru rolled his eyes, shook his head and mumbled something incomprehensible in Japanese. Not that Javier would've understood a word if he'd spoken any clearer. It happened, they both sometimes slipped up and said something in their own language. But usually they didn't blatantly look the other one in the eye and purposefully say something that for sure couldn't be understood. For whatever reason, right now this behavior annoyed the living hell out of Javier.

"What was that? I didn't quite catch that."

"Nothing."

"No, that's not how this works. You don't get to mumble stuff in Japanese and then pretend that you didn't say it. If you have something to say, just spit it out."

There was something provoking about the way they stared at each other. Javier knew that he was very close to overstepping. Yuzuru had been standing by his side while he had a fight with his parents, one he couldn't have understood from start to finish. But he didn't complain, didn't push him afterwards and only wanted to understand what had been going on because he was worried.  
Yuzuru took some time, although he knew that he was running out. He could tell him just about anything, there was no way for Javier to know if he was telling him the truth about what he'd just said. He didn't like it and rarely did it, but he knew how to lie to Javier, he knew very well how he could make him believe things. But he wouldn't do that right now.

"I said it's not just rude, it's also a lie. Because you still don't do that."

It took Javier a few seconds to understand what he meant, but when it finally dawned on him, he almost lost more than just his composure. "Seriously? You think this is the right moment to start with the butt stuff again?"

"It don't, I just..."

"No, no, this is awesome, great, really, perfect timing. Let's talk about it."

Javier was pretty pissed that Yuzuru would bring this up now of all times. But he'd been putting this conversation off for months and might as well get it over with now. Especially since Yuzuru had been dropping more and more hints lately. If they maybe could try a little something different in bed. Maybe something that up until now Javier had been less than enthusiastic about. Usually the question came up while they were already heavily at it, but Javier mostly just ignored those requests completely. Yuzuru respected his wishes and never asked twice about it. At least never twice in the same night. But today they seemed to have reached the end of the road. 

"Are you honestly telling me..." Javier paused when he saw an elderly couple strolling their way. Up until now they'd been completely undisturbed. Big surprise, whoever would want to be in a public park during such shitty weather? Javier waited until they'd passed - slowly, very slowly - and only continued when he was certain that there was nobody else within earshot. "Are you honestly telling me that you're missing it that you no longer get anything stuck up your butt?"

Yuzuru looked at him with a deadpan expression, wrinkled his nose and shrugged with one shoulder. "I can do that alone all the time."

" _All the time_? Exactly how often do you fly solo like that?"

Now that was an extremely stupid thing to say and he realized it the moment he'd said it out loud. Javier didn't exactly relish the idea, but it's not like he himself was a member of the Of-Course-I-Never-Ever-Masturbate Club. And he did always say no to certain things. Going by the look on his face, Yuzuru must've had similar thoughts.

"You think I must ask permission when I do this alone?" he asked uncharacteristically snippy and raised his eyebrows.

"No, it's just... Why must we do this anyway? Is this really some kind of required element? I'm perfectly fine with all the other stuff we do."

"Good for you." Yuzuru made a noise that could rarely be heard from him because usually he didn't let it show that much when Javier's attitude was getting to him. "This is not what I _must_ do. I _want_ this, I _like_ this."

"Why?"

" _Why_? Do you even know how body works? I do this before and I _know_ that I _like_ it. Why can't you understand that?"

Javier was again kicking his shoes together and wiggling his legs so hard, the whole bench underneath them was shaking. "So... you're actually, like, really serious about this? You really _want_ me to..."

Yuzuru waited and waited, even waited a little more after that. But there was obviously no way in hell Javier would finish that sentence on his own. "To fuck me, yes," he finally blurted out in his stead. 

This couldn't possibly be as hard to understand as Javier made it out to be. Yuzuru had certainly tried to figure out what might be going through his head, but all those attempts only resulted in more confusion. They've had sex for months now, and not an insignificant amount either. But this was still such a major issue for Javier and he was completely unable to even address the topic. How could one man alone be so eager to get in his pants, yet be so reluctant to acknowledge what was in there and how it could be used? Used for good, for heaven's sake, this wasn't a bad thing. Why was it so hard for him to accept that this was simply something he enjoyed? Especially since Javier knew by now that there'd been other guys before him. It's not like Yuzuru was some delicate flower that had never been touched before, no, his rose had been plucked quite some time ago. And as far as he was concerned, it was high time for some more gardening in that flowerbed. 

Javier couldn't bare looking at him anymore and dropped his gaze. "I'm sorry that I make this difficult," he mumbled quietly while his eyes were still firmly fixed on the ground. "It's just... it never felt like the right thing to do."

Yuzuru took a deep breath and casually stroked his arm to make Javier look at him again. "You always first think that," he said in a surprisingly calm manner, but in the next moment his comforting smile already lost the fight against a sassy smirk. "You remember first blowjob for me?"

Javier cringed a little. That wasn't a particularly happy memory. It probably could've been a lot worse, but he still felt that he'd behaved like a clumsy idiot who'd never seen a dick in his life. Which was kind of stupid since, well, he obviously had one of his own. Yuzuru had tried to guide him through it as best as he could and Javier did enjoy it in the end, but only thanks to Yuzuru and his kind reaction. If it weren't for him, every first touch would've felt twice as awkward.

"Remember that? First time you also think that was weird. You looked like I put gun at your head."

"Well, you did almost shoot my eye out in the end, so..."

"It was your own fault that you pull away last second."

"I kinda panicked, it was a reflex."

"Yes, you looked very panicked." There was that smug giggle again. From any other person in the world this sound would've come across as annoying or condescending. Or both. Never from him, though. "But I know secret about you." Yuzuru batted his eyes and playfully let his fingertips run over Javier's thigh. "I know you really like blowjobs now."

Javier attempted a smile, but if it looked only half as forced as it felt then the expression on his face must've been something awful. "It's not like I haven't thought about it. Don't look so surprised, you didn't really give me a choice. You've been pushing this forever."

"Because I don't understand problem. We have sex all the time. And you have sex with girls before, yes? It's not so different."

"It kinda is."

"Not for you. You just put dick inside and work for happy ending, that's it."

There couldn't possibly be a more indelicate way to say this. Once again Yuzuru had managed to make Javier speechless with one of his very apt descriptions.

"What? It's the same. With me you just put it in..."

"Okay, okay, I got it. Thanks for the lesson in human anatomy. I always thought that sex wasn't just about sticking it in a hole but okay, if you still think it's nothing more than that, by all means, why not just fucking do it."

Yuzuru's back slowly straightened while he pulled down his shoulders, his eyebrows drawn closely together. "I don't understand."

"Yeah, you made that quite clear."

"Then explain it to me. What is problem?"

Javier took a deep breath and attempted another answer, but eventually he only closed his eyes and lowered his head. "Can we not do this right now, please? I promise we'll talk about it, I want you to... I just can't do this right now, okay? Please."

Yuzuru looked like he wanted to try again, but in the end he came back with little more than a short nod. "What about your parents?"

Oh God, what on earth was wrong with this guy? How did he always manage to put their sex life and their parents in the same context? Those two things should be separated and far, far away from each other. But he was right, the issue was still very much on the table. He'd never expected to get in a fight with his parents over this. He still didn't understand how it could've gotten so out of hand. And now it all came back, all the anger and disappointment, the sheer helplessness because he'd once again completely lost control over the situation. Over his whole life it seemed. Yuzuru could see that it was hitting Javier hard to just think about it again, and he knew that it probably hadn't been much help that they'd almost gotten into a fight as well. And only because he couldn't keep his mouth shut just once in his life. Javier didn't resist when Yuzuru clung to his arm and leaned his head against his shoulder. Right now he didn't care how exposed they were out here because he knew that Yuzuru was trying to comfort him. And it was working. 

"This was first time they hear this. When people get surprised, they often say silly things." Yuzuru poked him in the side with one finger and squeezed his arm a little tighter. "You were very silly at beginning."

"I get it, you think it runs in the family."

"I think it will be okay." Yuzuru let go of his arm and tenderly stroked Javier's back. His touches weren't fleeting or even close to inconspicuous. "Tell them you come tomorrow and then you talk again."

"You're not coming with me?"

"You want that? I wasn't much help today."

Over Yuzuru's shoulder Javier could see some people walk around the corner, but he still had to fight it. He had to resist the urge to just lean over and kiss him. Because right now he wanted nothing more than that, and he almost didn't care about those strangers who were getting closer and watching them. Almost.

"You were here for me. You helped a lot."


	17. Perception

They went back to the Club to get their bags from the locker room and then go home. Yuzuru had an appointment the next morning, so initially they'd planned to go their separate ways at night. But while they were waiting at the bus stop, Yuzuru suddenly turned towards Javier and informed him that he'd stay the night at his place. 

"It's okay, I know you have to be somewhere in the morning."

"I can change that."

Javier looked around and signaled him with a nod to speak a little quieter. They were standing at some distance from the bus stop, but there were still people everywhere. Not close enough to actually overhear much, but also not far enough away to not hear anything. And they weren't exactly strangers at the bus stop right next to the Cricket Club, around here people tended to know and notice them.

"You really don't have to. I'm fine, I promise."

Deep lines appeared on Yuzuru's usually perfectly smooth forehead. "Forget appointment. I only go home if you don't want that I come." Yuzuru dropped his gaze because Javier constantly let his finger slide over the button on the handle of his bag, producing a scratchy clicking noise. Yuzuru put his hand over Javier's to silence the disruptive sound. "Stop that." When he looked up again, he found Javier smiling at him in a way he usually avoided in public.

"Actually I'd really like it if you came."

Yuzuru nodded and tightly squeezed his hand before he pulled his arm back.

They made a detour on the way to Javier's apartment to pick up something to eat at a nearby restaurant. Javier didn't want anything because he'd lost his appetite for today, but Yuzuru insisted on it. He knew that Javier had already skipped lunch and was running on little more than two energy bars. In the end Javier relented, although he had no idea where this sudden insistence came from. Usually Yuzuru was the one who always forgot to eat properly. If he had to live on his own, he'd probably die of chocolate-poisoning within a month because without supervision he still wasn't able to stick to a healthy diet. 

They had put away all their things, eaten their food, washed the dishes, even straightened up the kitchen, and still it wasn't even eight o'clock yet. They had a lot of time to kill before any one of them could even think about sleeping. Javier suggested to watch a movie, and Yuzuru made the usual face. It said, "Okay, you'll watch the movie and I'll just sit there for about 90 minutes while I die of boredom because I barely understand anything." Javier knew that face all too well.

"How about I watch a movie and you get your iPod and your video game?"

The face he made now wasn't less well known to Javier and could roughly be translated to "Are you sure? I'd much rather play my game and listen to music, but if you want me to watch a movie with you, I can do that too." Yuzuru had no idea why Javier suddenly started laughing, but when he nodded in the direction of the bedroom where Yuzuru had left his bag, he didn't question him. When he returned to the living room, Javier was still squatting in front of a shelf, picking out a DVD. Yuzuru waited until he was done and had sat down before he crawled onto the couch next to him. He hesitated for a moment. He wanted to ask him if he was feeling okay, but the question seemed pointless and stupid. What should've changed within the last hour? Javier looked at him questioningly, but Yuzuru just smiled, gave him a quick hug and a kiss before he laid down next to him and rested his head in Javier's lap. It wasn't the first evening they'd spend like this.

Within a minute Yuzuru was no longer responsive. He turned up the volume of his iPod just far enough so he couldn't hear anything from the outside world and then got lost in his game. From time to time some noises would come from his mouth but he wasn't aware of that. He never noticed it when he started talking to his avatar or cursing at some of the monsters that were standing between him and the final goal. He also didn't realize how his feet would sometimes kick through the air whenever he'd successfully landed a hit against an enemy. 

But Javier noticed.   
He'd seen about twenty minutes of the movie and then he completely lost focus. He'd look to the right and laugh quietly whenever Yuzuru's foot suddenly shot up and wiggled around. He didn't understand the words he said, but he could tell by the tone of his voice if he was encouraging his avatar or wailing because he'd gotten overpowered once again. He knew it wouldn't register with Yuzuru that he had one hand put on his chest, stroking it like he was a cat lying in his lap getting its belly scratched. He also wouldn't notice how Javier's other hand ran through his hair every once in a while.

They'd done this so many times, and he'd never noticed it before.

From the corner of his eye Yuzuru could see how Javier was staring down at him. He looked up for a moment, smiled, and then went back to his game. But he could still feel Javier's gaze on himself. It wasn't only one look, it was more like his eyes were all over him, checking every part of his outstretched body. Yuzuru paused his game and looked up at him, and when their eyes met, he finally took out his earphones. The first thing he noticed was the unexpected silence because Javier must've muted the TV. He certainly looked like he wanted to say something, but Yuzuru didn't ask. He just put one hand on Javier's, which was still lying on his chest, and smiled a little broader.

"I don't think I ever asked you this before. When did you even know that you're bise... that you're also into guys?"

Yuzuru hadn't thought about this in a very long time. Figuring this out had been a process for him as well and, sure, there had been some moments when he'd wondered if he was supposed to feel like this, and in the beginning there had been some doubts. But in the end it had never been much of a defining moment for him. It just was what it was. 

"I think I know before, but when I'm 15, after practice, I'm alone in changing room with boy from my skating club. I really like him a lot and I think he knows. He just kissed me and says sorry and then he goes away."

"Sounds vaguely familiar," Javier snorted with a grin.

"Yes, a little." Yuzuru smiled softly and lightly shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. It was nice. I really liked that. So I think, okay, maybe I like boys too. That's not so bad. I think my friend just runs away because he's scared."

"Sounds familiar too," Javier mumbled and brushed a few strands of hair out of Yuzuru's face. 

Javier was still quietly staring down at him, but he appeared so absentminded that to Yuzuru it seemed like he wasn't so much looking at him but rather right through him. "You want to know more?" he finally asked because it felt like he was expected to say something further, although there wasn't much to add really. Javier only shook his head. He kept looking at his fingers that were still playing with Yuzuru's hair, but then all of a sudden they stopped moving and his gaze cleared.

"I kinda lied to you before." 

Yuzuru put his iPod and his video game down and sat up, facing Javier but not making a sound.

"When I told you that this whole thing was so confusing because you're the first guy I'm attracted to... I think you know that wasn't true. There were others. Moments. When I thought... yeah, maybe. I just never, you know... _did_ anything." For the first time Javier looked away, but only to search for Yuzuru's hand and take it into his own. "And then one night you walked into my room and just kissed me."

Javier had lost count as to how many times he'd been over this in his head.

 

~~ Yuzuru came into my room that night and kissed me for apparently no reason at all. Then he told me that he only did it because of some stupid bet with Kana. I don't even know why that annoyed me so much at the time. Maybe I wasn't so much annoyed but more disappointed. Because that kiss wasn't bad. Later he tells me that he really did it because he liked me and wanted to make me feel better, which was a much better reason but also so much more confusing. Especially since he'd succeeded. Just thinking about kissing him made me feel... something. I still don't remember how we ended up kissing again the following night, if it was actually me who'd started it. I just remember how he made me feel. It was like falling, without the fear of ever falling down. I couldn't stop it, I didn't want to, I wouldn't have stopped if he hadn't interfered. 

Falling asleep with him that night was... precious, yeah, that's a good word. That comes close. I hadn't felt like that in a very long time, maybe even never at all. When I woke up a while later he was sleeping, but he was still holding me in his arms. And he was snoring, which is probably why I woke up in the first place. But it was actually kinda cute. I started to wonder if I had always looked at him the way I did right now. 

We didn't hit it off right away when he first came to Toronto. I was okay with him being there because he's a fantastic skater and I could always use the extra motivation that comes with a training mate like him. But his English was absolutely miserable, and most of the time he had no idea what he was saying and didn't understand a word when spoken to. It was exhausting to talk to him for a lengthy period of time, mostly because he was so incredibly insecure about this. Nobody blamed him for not being good at English, we all tried our best to always let him know that. But he seemed outright ashamed that he couldn't get a handle on this, and sometimes he practically shut down and didn't even try anymore. It made me furious when he did that. He could fall on those quads a million times and still he'd try them a million times over again, but he was too squeamish to talk to me because he might accidentally say something stupid. So I made him. I forced the little stay-at-home to spend time with me outside of the rink and I made him talk to me. Getting to know him wasn't easy, but I was willing to put in the work. There was just something about him. I'd always thought that he was something else. Someone special. But so did everyone else, so that didn't have to mean anything.

But I also started to remember other things. That our hugs would often last longer than those with other people, and how I'd always notice the smell of his skin. That I didn't mind how he'd occasionally touch me without cause and not even bother to come up with some kind of excuse. That I sometimes did the same thing, like coming up behind him while we were skating and then holding on to his tiny waist. Every single time he'd put his hands on mine, turn around and look at me with the sweetest smile. I think that might've been the first thing that won me over. The way he looked when he smiled at me. It felt like more than friendship, more than just the possibility of attraction. It was different. Better. Like we'd gotten to a point that I had never reached with any other man before.

And there I was, sharing a bed with him, my arm wrapped around his slender frame, with no idea what I was doing or what might happen next. It was probably a bit creepy that my hand started to wander all over his upper body. Usually I refrain from fondling sleeping people, but I just really wanted to touch him. I wanted to wake him up and make him kiss me again. But this time I was able to control myself, so I just snuggled up to him and went back to sleep, not knowing that I'd wake up alone the next morning. ~~

 

Javier suddenly found himself back in his living room when Yuzuru gently stroked his arm, still quietly waiting for Javier to go on.

"You made all this real for me, and doing what you asked of me... it always felt like the last step and that was kinda scary."

Yuzuru raised his eyebrows and pressed his lips into a weird shape. "Sex with me is more scary than to tell parents about me?"

"That's different." Yuzuru looked at him with an almost pitiful smile and shook his head in slow motion. "Okay, you're right, it's not. But honestly, wanting to tell them... I haven't really thought that through. When I'm in a serious relationship, I need them to know, that's all. And telling them... it's just what I do. I've always done that. That was normal for me.

Yuzuru gradually pulled his hand back even though Javier tried to hold on to it. "Sex with me is not normal?"

"What? No, no, that came out wrong, that's _not_ what I meant." Javier felt like his heart skipped every other beat when Yuzuru didn't reply anything and not one muscle of his face dared to even twitch. It took him a while to breath easily again, even after he'd seen that faint smile fight its way up to the surface, first into Yuzuru's eyes and then finally onto his lips as well.

"You're so silly," he laughed, scootched over and kneeled over Javier's lap. "I only make joke, don't look so panicked."

"One day you're gonna give me a heart attack."

"I'm sorry."

"You really need to work on your sense of humor."

"No, I mean I'm sorry I ask for this all the time."

"You did nothing wrong, cariño." Javier wrapped his arms around Yuzuru's waist in order to pull him closer. "You just asked for something you want."

"Yes, but I always ask with really stupid words, I know that. It's just sex, it's not so important."

"It seems important to you."

"No, _you_ are important to me. I just don't understand why sex is so scary because we have sex all the time. But if you're not ready I can..." He stopped when Javier put one hand on his face, briefly grazing the corner of his mouth with one finger. 

"I'm not sure I can explain this to you."

Yuzuru gently caressed his cheek. It felt scratchy because Javier hadn't shaved this morning. He actually liked him better this way, not all that perfect and a bit scuffed around the edges. "Try."

Javier took Yuzuru's hand from his face and gently kissed his fingers, letting the warmth of his breath linger on his palm before he finally looked up at him again. "Every time you showed me something new, I got a little further away from who I was. Being with you has changed how I see myself and, yeah, at first, deep down, that made me feel weird. But now... it's different. Because when I look at you now, it's no longer about me dating a guy. I don't see the difference anymore. I just see you." Javier knew that he no longer had to prove anything to him, but he leaned forward and kissed him all the same, if for no other reason than that he could. "I've been scared of this for such a long time that I didn't realize when it stopped being scary." The look on Yuzuru's face was hard to decipher. Did he get it? Did those words make even the tiniest amount of sense to him? "I'm trying to tell you that..."

Javier didn't have to see his smile before he already felt it. Yuzuru had been quick to kiss him, but the touches were by no means hasty as their calm lips met again and again. Javier opened his eyes and found Yuzuru looking back at him while their unbroken kiss continued. And suddenly he remembered that night at the hotel. How he'd felt when he'd kissed him for the first time. Because on that second night it had been him, he'd been the one to start another kiss that would lead to so much more. He remembered the smell of his hair, the slender arms that wouldn't release him from the embrace, the uncontrollable urge to stay as close to him as he possibly could. And this now, this was all that and so much more. There was no need to fear the fall. Not because Yuzuru would be there to be his safety net, but because he'd never let go of him in the first place. 

They didn't have to wait long for their kiss to turn from sweet understanding into something that shamelessly sparkled with avid desire. This time it hadn't been him, Javier was just as sure about that. Yuzuru had started to go for more, had sneaked his tongue between Javier's lips and let it roam about in a way he knew it would get Javier going. He had his arms wrapped so tight around Javier's neck, he very nearly strangled him, but still Javier kept pushing forward, pressing against his willing body. When he tried to stand up, Yuzuru just swung his legs around his waist. Since he wouldn't let go off him voluntarily, Javier simply crossed his hands underneath him and lifted him up. It's not like this was the first time he'd carry him into the bedroom.


	18. Same Same But(t) Different

In the middle of the corridor they abruptly came to a halt when Yuzuru clung to a door frame with one hand. "Wait. Bathroom," he muttered between their kisses and received an irritated look from Javier. "You keep lube there," he clarified and swung both arms around his neck again.

"You could get down and grab it for us."

"But I like when you carry me."

Javier made half a turn and pushed him with his back against the wall, drawing a gasp and a giggle from Yuzuru's throat. Plenty more relishing noises flew through the hallway when Javier buried his face in Yuzuru's neck, letting his tongue slide up and down, nibbling at the tender skin. He held on to him tightly when Yuzuru's legs slowly loosened around his waist. 

"How about you get the lube and I go and throw a cover over the bed."

"You think this gets messy?"

"With you? Always."

After one more kiss they forced themselves apart to go into separate rooms. Javier grabbed a blanket from the closet and put it over the bed. He was still bent over to tuck it under the sides when two hands slipped underneath his shirt, pushing it all the way up and over his head. When Yuzuru pressed against him, Javier could already feel the bare skin against his back.

"I see you started without me," he smirked as he turned around.

"You don't like me naked?"

Yuzuru pushed him and Javier fell onto the bed. He tried to get up, but Yuzuru put one finger on the middle of his chest and lightly pressed against it, making Javier lay back down on his own. His moves were slow, deliberate, and Javier observed each and every one of them with a thrill of anticipation. Yuzuru let his fingertips run over Javier's stomach, watched how it moved up and down with every breath before he proceeded to undo his pants and pull them down along with his briefs. He pushed Javier's legs apart which were hanging over the side of the mattress and kneeled down in front of the bed. Javier closed his eyes when sleek fingers gently stroked over his groin, where one hand was soon replaced by soft lips and then a teasing tongue. He didn't have to wait long until Yuzuru finally got to it, until his mouth and fingers did what they did so well. But he could feel that he was holding back, that this wouldn't be it for tonight. That this was nothing but foreplay. 

After a while Yuzuru already stood up again, signaling Javier to lay down properly before he crawled on top of him. Javier pulled him further up and made him kneel over his chest so he'd get his turn. Because Yuzuru had been very right this afternoon: he loved to blow him, to feel how his body moved along to every slide of his tongue, to hear him moan under his touch. He could've finished him off right then and there, but Yuzuru pulled away and moved back down, started grinding against him, kissing him like it had been decades since their lips last touched. Javier almost didn't want to let go of him when Yuzuru finally stopped, sat up and looked at him with a mixture of apprehension and avidness. He swallowed hard, his fingers restlessly brushing against Javier's skin, his chest heaving with every faltering breath.

"You sure?"

Javier pulled him back down, cupped his face and kissed him. By now the question was moot and this the only answer he needed to give. With a sigh of relief Yuzuru grabbed the tube from the nightstand and splashed some lube on his fingers. Javier noticed that the habitual giggle failed to resound before Yuzuru threw the tube aside so hastily, it fell down on the floor. "I need a minute," he compelled some words from his mouth, visibly struggling for every single one of them. He bent down to kiss him again and buried the fingers of his clean hand in Javier's hair while the other one disappeared behind his back. 

Javier didn't know what he'd expected, but that was not really it. Although he had a pretty good idea what he was doing back there. He let his hands slide along the underside of Yuzuru's thighs, going from his knee pit to his butt, squeezing it lightly and making Yuzuru's body writhe even more. Judging by the rising groans and the cramped fingers that kept boring into Javier's arm, he obviously enjoyed whatever he did there. So Javier kept touching him, let his hands glide over his whole body that was soon trembling with excitement. Yuzuru mumbled something to himself when his arm finally came back forward. Javier hadn't understood him, but it sounded like he was ready. When he tried to sit up, Yuzuru put both hands on his shoulders and held him down.

"No, I stay on top please."

"Really? This way around works for you?"

Yuzuru's giggles weren't particularly subdued as he nodded affirmatively, but the heartfelt smile on his face made Javier almost forget that he was a complete idiot. It's not like he didn't know better, his brain just wasn't up to speed yet. Yuzuru grabbed the lube from the floor and handed it to Javier, letting him do the necessary himself. It felt strangely familiar when Yuzuru started to push down, yet it was completely new. Despite all his reassurances, Javier still couldn't bring himself to actually look, so he instead concentrated on Yuzuru's face. He was the one who wanted this so badly, there should be a good chance for enjoyment by proxy. But right now there wasn't all that much joy to be found on Yuzuru's face.

"You okay?"

"Yes."

"You don't look okay."

"I'm okay."

"Seriously, you look like you're..."

Yuzuru put one hand over Javier's mouth and pressed down hard to make sure he stayed quiet. "I can't do it fast. You're big. Happy now?" Yuzuru rolled his eyes when he felt a giant smirk form underneath his fingers. "Shut up."

He didn't say a word when Yuzuru removed his hand, even his grin had subsided to a smile. When Javier gently stroked his legs, Yuzuru laughed quietly and tilted his head back while he kept moving slowly, working his way down. He inhaled sharply and bit his lip when he felt Javier's hands go up his side, his fingertips pinching his nipples before they caressed his chest and stomach. But when they started to move further down, Yuzuru brushed them away. 

"Don't. Too soon."

Yuzuru took Javier's hands and pressed them against his thighs, once again refusing him to touch him as he pleased. Javier wanted to let him do this at his own pace, although it was getting more difficult by the second. The look on Yuzuru's face didn't help in the slightest. The touch of anguish had faded away completely, and all that was left was the well-known expression of pleasure that seemed even more intense than usual. He could feel how Yuzuru was taking him in further and further, bit by bit, moving slowly but continuously. Everything around him felt hot and exciting. His hands were still confined to Yuzuru's legs, when he wanted nothing more than to touch him. He had to force himself to keep still, to not push back into every single oncoming thrust. Yuzuru leaned forward, almost fell over as he kept bobbing up and down, but he still wouldn't let go of Javier's arms. He supported himself on the bed, his fingers clenched half around Javier's wrists and half into the helpless sheets, still moving, moaning, rolling his hips until he was shaking all over. The feeling of Yuzuru's body was overwhelming the sense for his own and finally Javier lost control. He forcefully freed his hands from Yuzuru's grip, ran them up his legs, grabbed him at the waist and dragged him down as his hips started to jerk up, forcing a sound out of them both like he'd never heard it before. 

Yuzuru shifted his weight and put his hands on Javier's, pressing them even tighter against his naked skin. Javier was captivated by the look on Yuzuru's face, how he squeezed his eyes shut while uninhibited moans were flowing from his mouth. He tried to keep him going when Yuzuru suddenly slowed down and came almost to a halt. But Javier didn't have to ask what he wanted when Yuzuru got off of him and laid down on his back. The time for closing his eyes was over, but the fact didn't even register with Javier. He couldn't have cared less what it looked like when Yuzuru pulled up his legs so far, he could've easily crossed his ankles behind his neck. Javier moved over and kneeled as closely to him as possible while he bent down to kiss his neck, his shoulders, pressing him down and making him squeal again as he let his tongue circle around his hard nipples. All he wanted was to give him what he'd asked for and get what he needed in return. Yuzuru threw his head to the side and moaned into the pillow when Javier pushed back inside.

"You okay?"

He nodded sharply, wrapped his arms around Javier's neck and dragged him down. There was no resistance, they'd both been waiting for this next kiss the whole time. But Javier pulled himself together, moved slowly and considerate, because he could feel Yuzuru's fingers tense up around his shoulders, thought he needed a moment to adjust. But apparently he'd misinterpreted the signs. "Don't stop, that's good," Yuzuru gasped while his fingers frantically searched for something to hold on to, hectically moving up Javier's arms, over his shoulders and back, only to then settle around his upper arms again. They both wanted more, could practically smell it on one another. Hands were getting lost in hair and finding their way back out, impatiently gliding over naked skin, caressing it softly, grasping it hard, whatever felt like the right thing to do. 

Javier had to practically tear Yuzuru away every time he wanted to straighten up for a change, but once he'd gotten those eager hands detached from his neck, they just clung to his arms, desperate to keep him close. Javier slowed down in an attempt to prolong it a little further, calmly breathing the sweetest words against Yuzuru's lips. Yuzuru gently caressed his face, once again answering with a smile while foreign words whispered through the sound of his breathing. He knew that look in Javier's eyes, but he didn't mind, because he sure was just as ready to approach the finish line.

"Can I..."

"Yes, inside."

Javier pulled Yuzuru's legs up even further as he pinned him down onto the bed with one vigorous thrust, forcing the deepest of cries out of his body. Their kisses were a mess, every thrust of his hips was accompanied by a sound coming from Yuzuru's lips, most of which got instantly absorbed by Javier's body – his skin, his mouth, his ear, whichever was closest at the time. Yuzuru's groans turned into more of a whining as he anxiously tried to reciprocate, to answer those moves that kept getting faster, harder, more intense, hitting him just like he needed it. But right now he could barely move, all he could do was lay there, take it, beg Javier to please not stop whenever he checked back because Yuzuru's moans seemed to get just a little too frantic. Yuzuru couldn't help it, squeezed his eyes shut as he finally took matters into his own hand while Javier kept pushing him into the mattress so hard, Yuzuru started to get dizzy from the way he was gasping for air. Soon he heard the sounds that proclaimed that Javier was already done, but he kept going, kept pushing him, giving Yuzuru the chance to pull through, to still feel him as he was going for those last strokes he needed to finally finish himself off.

 

Yuzuru's arms plunged down onto the bed. Suddenly his whole body seemed unbearably heavy and numb. Another quiet sigh escaped him as he felt Javier withdraw completely, leaving behind a feeling of unexpected emptiness. When he slowly opened his eyes, Javier was already half on top of him, bending down for that last kiss he always claimed afterwards. But this time he waited. He let Yuzuru catch his breath and tenderly caressed his cheek, lingering right above him with nothing but a smile on his lips. Yuzuru wrapped his powerless arms around his neck and closed the distance himself, kissed him like it meant something, like it wasn't just a habit. Eventually Javier collapsed by his side, one arm around his waist and his face against Yuzuru's chest. He could still feel him tremble slightly under his heavy breathing and at times sudden quivers would run through his whole body. "You okay?" he asked once again, looking up at him as he soothingly ran his hand up and down Yuzuru's sternum.

He nodded slightly and buried his fingers in Javier's hair, which thankfully was a bit longer at the moment. He preferred to have something to hold on to. "You okay?"

"I had better days."

The gentle caress ended with a smack on the back of the head. They both laughed before they snuggled up to each other as exhaustion finally took over their bodies completely. They needed those moments, both being drained, physically, emotionally, pretty much everything felt like it was covered in a thick haze. They didn't know how long they'd been lying there and they didn't care. But at some point Javier started to move again and propped up his chin on Yuzuru's chest. "This is gonna sound weird," he mumbled, barely managing to separate his teeth, "but usually when we do stuff, we... take turns." Yuzuru raised his eyebrows because he obviously didn't understand where this conversation was heading. "You know, with everything we do, we... eventually switch places and..." Javier paused and sat up when Yuzuru started giggling uncontrollably. 

"Now you're not scared about fucking me, but you're scared that I want to fuck you?"

That was pretty much the condensed version of what had just gone through Javier's mind, he just hadn't found all those pretty words to express his thoughts. Although, no, in fact those words didn't describe at all what he wanted to say to him. Yuzuru stopped laughing when Javier carefully stroked his arm, his touch being both gentle and firm. "I don't want you to feel like you can't ask me for things like that. If you want to do it... _do me_ \- we can talk about it."

"How do you say this... baby steps?" Yuzuru sat up and put a tender kiss on Javier's shoulder. "If you want to try. But we can try other things too." He raised his index finger into the air and held it up in front of Javier's face. "Little things," he laughed with an exuberantly happy smile and wiggled his finger. "I know many little things."

"You should write a book."

"I already have a book. I have two books."

"On second thought, I don't think that's the kind of photo book you should publish."

"You don't want that I make sex book?"

"I think your mother would want it even less." Yuzuru punched him lightly in the arm and started giggling again. "Hey, speaking of mothers... I'd like to ask my parents to come here tomorrow morning. Is that okay with you?"

"I think that's good idea." Yuzuru looked at Javier's hands as they awkwardly plucked at the jumbled bedcover which was, of course, a complete disaster. "I think shower is good idea now too."

"I knew this would get messy."

"But it's good messy, yes?" Yuzuru smirked suggestively and stuck his tongue out between his teeth.

Javier didn't answer and only pulled him into his arms as he laid back down. There was no need to finish here or continue somewhere else. He was perfectly fine where he was right at this very moment. He could handle the mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title pun by courtesy of [Fuchsia](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Fuchsia/pseuds/Fuchsia) (credit where credit is due ^_^ )


	19. The Day After

Javier could barely see anything when he opened his eyes. The curtains had been drawn back and he was blinking into the blinding sunlight. There was that noise again. He thought maybe he'd just imagined it. Javier sat up and realized that he was alone in bed and that the weird noise was actually the sound of his doorbell. Too many questions started running through his head, but right now he couldn't think of an answer to any of them. Right now he couldn't think, period. He quickly crawled out of bed, grabbed his shirt, which was still lying on the floor, and slipped it on while he rushed towards the door. His sigh of relief could be heard all across town as he peeked through the peephole.

"What on earth are you doing?" he asked still half asleep as soon as he'd closed the door behind Yuzuru again.

"I go buy breakfast."

"What? Why?"

"Your kitchen is empty."

"I know, I didn't get around to..." Javier contorted his face and rubbed his eyes, all the while making indefinable grunting noises. "Why'd you do that? You hate grocery shopping."

Yuzuru had taken off his jacket and shoes by now. He picked up the shopping bag, kissed Javier on the cheek and kindly patted his chest. "Your parents come soon. You go to bathroom."

Javier tried to hold him back, but his hand only reached the empty air where Yuzuru had been standing just a moment ago. Was he being serious? He couldn't be serious. His parents would arrive here soon, sure, but he hadn't exactly invited them for a brunch date. Javier followed him into the kitchen, albeit not without reservation, and saw how Yuzuru unpacked piece after piece, diligently arranging everything on the counter. He was actually completely serious, he really was making breakfast. The situation was just the tiniest bit absurd. And yet Javier knew that he was smiling for a reason while he watched how Yuzuru stretched to grab the plates from the upper shelf of the cupboard. Javier went back into the living room and rummaged around in some drawers before he joined Yuzuru in the kitchen again. He walked up behind him, put one arm around his waist and held the other hand up in front of Yuzuru's face. It took him a moment to understand, but then Yuzuru took the key Javier was holding and turned around to face him.

"Because I wake you up with door bell?"

"No, because it's about time that you get your own key. You already keep your toothbrush and a change of clothes at my place."

"You must not do this."

"But I want to."

"I can wait next time or I will..." 

Yuzuru stopped talking, and for a second he was actually lost for words when Javier rolled his eyes and took the key back from him. But then he used one finger to slowly pull up Yuzuru's shirt and put the key into the front pocket of his jeans. "I didn't ask you to move in. But I don't want you to feel like a visitor."

Yuzuru happily complied when Javier leaned in to kiss him. All the things he'd rather do with him right now. But reality had a time stamp this morning. "Your parents come soon. Go to bathroom, I make breakfast."

"You're not actually cooking anything, are you? If we start the day with food poisoning then..."

"Go to bathroom," Yuzuru giggled and shoved him away.

 

Javier was still getting dressed when the door bell rang again, but Yuzuru didn't mind. Truth be told, he'd expected that today he might be the one to freak out. That's why he hadn't been able to go back to sleep when he'd woken up before sunrise this morning. He decided to get up and prepare breakfast, only to find that Javier's kitchen didn't offer anything to eat besides protein bars and frozen pizza. Needing to buy groceries was the perfect excuse to get out of there for a little while, because suddenly he felt like the walls were collapsing in on him. He had no idea if Javier really was as calm as he appeared or if deep inside he was freaking out as well. Yuzuru had been tossing and turning all night, but Javier had slept like a baby. And he still looked so peaceful when Yuzuru kissed him goodbye before he left him behind in bed this morning. But now that the moment had actually come, Yuzuru felt strangely calm. In passing he tapped on the bathroom door as he went down the hallway. “Don’t hurry, I go.” When he opened the front door, he once again looked into those big brown eyes that so much reminded him of Javier. He really did take after his mother in every way imaginable.

"Good morning. Welcome."

"Yu... Yuzu. Good... good morning,” she stammered, slightly taken aback. “I didn't… We didn't expect you."

Yuzuru’s smile widened a tad. "I know,” he quietly said in a way that was usually reserved for Javier only. But he'd seen that exact same look too often on someone else's face to not know exactly what it meant.

Yuzuru invited them in and asked them to take a seat in the living room while they were waiting for Javier. He could tell that Javier's mother tried to think of something to say and she even made a few attempts to do so, but in the end there was nothing but silence. Fair enough. Polite small talk hardly seemed appropriate, and there was no way they could have any sort of meaningful conversation without Javier being present.  
When Javier finally came in, he didn't approach his parents but only greeted them with a smile and a nod. Yuzuru gave him a look and Javier had a pretty good idea what he was thinking. But they both knew that this wasn't an opportune moment to argue about formal courtesies, and so he just sat down next to him on the couch.

"Is it okay if we talk in Spanish?"

When Javier took his hand and intertwined their fingers, it felt nothing like on the previous day.

"Sure."

Yuzuru half expected that Spanish song he'd been listening to so many times over the last few weeks. But those sounds didn't appear in any order he'd heard before. He recognized some words. A couple of them he even understood to some degree, at least good enough to make him smile because of what he thought that he’d heard. But it didn't really matter to him. All he could think of was how different Javier sounded. Those little tremors that had accompanied every single word just yesterday, all the insecurities he'd still heard in his voice only one day ago - none of those things seemed to exist in him anymore. He caught Javier's mother staring at him. She didn't drop her gaze when their eyes met, but Yuzuru also had no idea how to interpret that indefinable look. When she finally looked over to Javier again, the expression on her face changed into something different entirely. It was almost like she couldn't decide whether she should be sad or just confused and overwhelmed. Right now she seemed to be a little bit of everything at once.

Yuzuru turned his head when he realized that Javier was looking at him. "I know you didn't expect this and I know how difficult it must be," he now said in English and squeezed Yuzuru's hand a wee bit tighter. "But I won't deny this anymore. I'm done hiding from you." It sounded like he was still talking to his parents, yet he didn't break eye contact with Yuzuru for even a second. "I've never been so in love with anybody. I need you to know that."

Yuzuru forced himself to lean slightly backwards, because he knew what would happen if he went in any other direction. He'd fling his arms around Javier's neck, he'd kiss him with all he got and wouldn't let go of him until sundown. His parents had suffered enough already, he wouldn't do this to them.  
For the longest time nobody said a word. Then Javier's father nodded and just quietly said, "Okay." And then his mother said the same. Javier's eyes were still fixed on Yuzuru, his smile getting broader with every passing moment, and then he too said, "Okay." With that the conversation seemed to be over and everybody went back to saying nothing at all.

Yuzuru pressed his lips together and shrugged at Javier with the most indecisive look on his face. Was he supposed to now say "Okay" as well? Should they all just sit here for a while and do nothing? He glanced over to Javier's parents whose eyes also aimlessly wandered around the room. They didn't seem to have any more of a clue as to how they should go on from here. "You want breakfast?" Yuzuru finally asked a bit too enthusiastically. He didn't even have to look to know that Javier was grinning from ear to ear. 

"I'm not sure we should risk it. He made it himself." The second half of his last word came out as little more than a gasp because Yuzuru had elbowed him right into the ribs.

"I just buy it, I don't make it."

"Still, you and food don't have the best track record."

"Thank you, Yuzu, breakfast would be lovely," Javier's mother interrupted them before Yuzuru could shoot anything back. Javier did his best to not crack up when he saw the look on her face. Usually he only received that one when she was about to break out her speech about how she'd obviously failed in her attempts to raise him well because she certainly didn't bring him up to be so rude. It was like a bad déjà vu. When Yuzuru got up, Javier held him back for a second, again tightly squeezing his hand. "Thank you," he said tonelessly and refrained from adding anything more. Because they both knew that there were no words to tell him exactly how much all this meant to him.

The two of them disappeared into the kitchen, leaving Javier and his father behind to again sit silently across from each other. "I'm really sorry about what happened yesterday," Javier apologized once again, although he'd done plenty of that just a few minutes ago.

"I know. It's okay."

"No, it's not. I have no idea what's gotten into me."

"We all said things we didn't mean. It's just... this was sudden."

"I know."

"We didn't see this coming."

"I know."

"And you didn't just tell us, you... introduced your... boyfriend." He obviously still had a very hard time saying any of this out loud. "We'll need some time to get used to that."

Javier tried to make his father look him in the eye, but without success. While this talk had gone much better than whatever the hell had happened yesterday, it still wasn't all that Javier had hoped for. Although he didn't know why he'd expected this to go any other way than it did. "I don't need you to understand this right away. I just needed you to finally know."

"Well, at least we know that you've chosen someone we can like, so that might make it easier. And if you really think that he can make you happy then..."

"He already does," Javier interrupted him but couldn't finish the sentence because his mother was yelling from the kitchen.

"There's tea in your kitchen. Why is there tea in your kitchen?"

Javier knew that he didn't have to say anything because the answer was standing right next to her. Javier was a good cook and generally knew how to eat properly, but he still had some nasty habits. Like keeping at least 50% of his body weight caffeine based. As long as he lived alone and nobody had an eye on him, he rarely drank anything but cheap coffee or energy drinks, and his mother was well aware of that fact. But Yuzuru didn't share his love for those kinds of legal stimulants, especially because his stomach wouldn't tolerate too many of those drinks with the funny colors. Pretty soon he’d gotten fed up with drinking tap water all the time, and so he’d sacked about half of his mother’s tea collection and brought it here. It hadn't taken long until Javier had jumped on the bandwagon. Mainly because Yuzuru loved to lesson him on how those artificial drinks were bad for his health and that he had to take better care of his body. But after a while drinking green tea became a new habit of its own, much to Javier's surprise. It's not like he'd always lived alone, there had been other people in his life who'd tried to break him of this bad habit. Yuzuru just somehow ended up being the first one to succeed.

Javier could hear his mother laughing from the kitchen, and soon after she stuck her head in the door and started talking about how his stomach lining would be grateful for the change of pace. But then she stopped practically midsentence and sighed deeply while quietly looking at him. “So. You really have tea now,” she said and made a tensed up smile appear when Javier only nodded silently.


	20. Ready or Not

Summer had come and gone, and somehow time managed to fly by and crawl at the same time. The season had started out badly for both of them. And then it managed to get even worse. Worse than they could've imagined even in their wildest dreams.

It hadn't actually been all that long since they'd last seen each other. They'd been apart for far longer periods of time before, and they'd always been able to deal with it. But right now each passing day felt like a century. After the accident in China, Javier had been so worried about Yuzuru. He'd written him daily and called him as often as possible. He practically begged him to not be an idiot and listen to his doctors, because he feared that Yuzuru's overzealousness might get the better of him, causing him to not take the time he needed to recuperate. But the inevitable day came when Yuzuru finally resumed his training and went back onto the ice for the first time. It was also the first time he tried to get out of a Skype call that night.

"What's going on?" Javier clicked on a few buttons when all he got to see was a black window instead of Yuzuru's face. "Can you see me?"

"Yes."

"I can hear you, but I don't have a picture."

"Um... I don't know."

Javier kept messing around with the settings, all the while cursing in Spanish at the constant unreliability of all things technical. "I don't get it. It worked just fine yesterday."

"I don't know."

"Did you change anything on your computer?"

"No, it's... maybe there's problem with my webcam."

"Then fix it."

"I don't know how."

"What?"

"I don't know this laptop so good."

"Are you kidding me? You know all your technical gizmos inside and out."

"I don't know what... it's not so important. We can just talk."

"But I'd like to see you."

"I think I can't make it work. Something's wrong."

Javier didn't have to see him to know that something was most definitely wrong. For a while he just silently stared into the little round dot at the top of the screen, knowing that at least Yuzuru was still able to see him. "Yuzu," he then said quietly, "did you turn off your camera?" When he didn't get an answer, Javier sighingly shook his head. "It would be great if your webcam magically happened to work again. Technical things do that sometimes. They just break and the next minute they work again. It happens." Still all Javier heard was the static noise coming from the speakers. But then the picture started to flicker and reload, and finally Yuzuru's image appeared on Javier's screen. "There you are. That's much better," he said placably, hoping that his face didn't show all too clearly what he was really thinking. Because it had taken him less than a second to realize why Yuzuru didn't want to be seen right now. "So, how was practice today?"

"Okay."

"Okay? Could you maybe go into more detail?"

"It was okay."

"I didn't mean make the sentence longer. I meant tell me more about how you're doing."

It took Javier an eternity to get the full picture. Or at least something that he imagined the full picture to be. He had to practically tear every little information from Yuzuru's lips because he just wouldn't give anything on his own. He looked like hell. He was shifting around on his chair, alternately holding his back or his stomach. His eyes were red and swollen because he'd obviously been crying. He still tried to get out of this conversation by telling Javier things that he already knew, like how he'd been doing some light off-ice training for the past few days in order to get his muscles working again. What he hadn't told him so far was how bad that idea had been and how he now felt like he could pull a muscle just bending down to tie up his skates. But the real nightmare had started as soon as he'd stepped onto the ice. Usually his warm-up would entail some easy triple Axels, but today he hadn't even thought about trying any jumps because he knew there'd be no way he wouldn't fall, crash and possibly burn. He'd managed to keep it together while they were at the rink, but as soon as he was back in his room at home, he lost the last vestiges of self-control. He didn't care that the whole family could hear him cry like a toddler, but he was thankful that they granted him the space they knew he needed right now.

Of course Yuzuru only told half of this to Javier, and in the most obscure words he could possibly think of in the weird language that he despised so much. Javier was already worried enough as it was. And he'd probably start scolding him and tell him that he was an idiot for going back to training so soon. Lately he'd been even more preachy than his mother, and she'd already been impossible to handle over the last week. He could count himself lucky that he was still allowed to go to the bathroom all on his own. Though it wouldn't have surprised him if she'd started to worry that he might break his neck falling from the toilet seat. And right now the look on Javier's face didn't bode well either.

"Sorry, I think we have to cut this call short," Javier said, looking at his wrist watch. "I gotta go to the airport."

"What? Why?"

"I need to catch a plane."

"Where are you going?"

"I don't know. But they have a lot of planes there, one of them has to go somewhere near Japan, right? You really look like you could use a hug, and I'm too far away to give you one." Javier felt beyond stupid for making such a cheesy joke. But for a second this actually made Yuzuru laugh, and Javier figured that he was willing to do far stupider things if it meant seeing genuine glee on his face. "Are you sure you want to do this?" he asked quite seriously, making Yuzuru's smile vanish as quickly as it had appeared. He didn't answer and only shrugged his shoulders. "You know you don't have to, right? If you're really in so much pain and if it's just too much... nobody would think that you're a quitter. At some point you have to stop pushing yourself."

Yuzuru bit his lower lip and only sporadically glanced at the camera with the most indecisive look on his face. "You think it's better I don't try again?"

"This is not my decision. What do _you_ want?"

"I want to work," came his answer quick like a shot. And while he still wasn't able to keep his gaze straight forward, his voice was as firm and confident as ever. "I hate to give up."

"I know. That's one of the reasons why you're special. And it's also why I want to slap you in the face sometimes." Yuzuru furrowed his brow as he lifted his sunken head. But when he looked at the screen, he found that Javier was smiling at him. "I know that you want to try. It will be hell and I guess it's a good thing that I'm nowhere near you, because I'd be worried sick watching you every day. And I'd keep telling you that there's no shame in admitting that just this once it's all too much. Even for you."

Yuzuru was tempted to interrupt him. He wanted to ask if he really though that letting it go was the best solution right now. Because he had been thinking about it. More than he wanted to admit. And if even Javier thought that he couldn't do it, that it was futile to keep struggling through a fight that was already lost – then perhaps it really was time to admit defeat. Maybe. Just this once. But he didn't get a chance to ask the questions he didn't want answered.

"It's hard for me to see you like that. But this is not about me," Javier went on, hesitating only for the briefest of moments. "I know that you don't think like me. And I know that you'd probably hate yourself if you didn't even try. The decision has to be yours alone, I can't help you with that but... I know that you can do it. And I'm here for you, cariño. No matter what you decide." Yuzuru quickly dropped his head, but Javier could still see that he was already on the verge of tears again. "But you have to promise me that you'll be careful, okay? Because if you hurt yourself anymore by doing something stupid, I'll come over there, I'll take your skates away and I'll hit you with them."

Yuzuru started to chuckle, but in the next second he already contorted his face again because he'd made another unfortunate movement that caused a sharp pain to shoot through his stomach. "If you hit me with my skates, that will hurt too."

"You bet it will." Javier pushed back the display of his laptop as he leaned closer towards the screen. "Just be careful, okay? I can't do anything from here, so I need you to take care of yourself. When I see you again in December, I want you to be healthy and in one piece." Yuzuru nodded meekly, his gaze fixed on the picture in front of him. But the look on his face still seemed far too ambiguous to be fully trusted. "Promise me!"

"I promise, I promise!" he answered instantly. "I'll be careful. Don't worry so much please."

"You don't leave me much choice."

"You have choice. Just don't worry so much."

"Yeah sure," Javier groaned long-drawn-out, dramatically rolling his eyes. "Why don't I just stop caring about you, huh? That would solve a lot of problems."

"I don't say stop caring."

"No, no, that's actually a great idea. That would make my life much easier."

"Javi..."

"You're becoming a full-time-job. I hardly find time for anything anymore because you're taking up all my time. You know, I actually have other stuff to do."

"More important stuff?" Yuzuru smirked, slowly finding his way back to the smile that had gotten lost for a while.

"You think you're so important or what? Seriously, you're messing with my schedule. I'm glad I still have time for my training."

"Now you become drama queen again." 

" _I'm_ the drama queen? You're one to talk." Javier tried to feign indignation, but it was nearly impossible to keep a straight face thanks to Yuzuru's chirpy giggles. And Javier was almost sorry to see them slowly fade away after a while. "Oh cariño," he sighed, shaking his head but still unable not to smile, "I only worry because I..."

"I know," Yuzuru interrupted him softly. His hand reached out on its own, not caring that all it would touch was the artificial surface of the screen. He didn't need more. And he didn't need to actually hear him say the words. "I know," he repeated even quieter, and for the first time that day, he felt like his tears could finally stop.


	21. Unveiled

Barcelona had always been a beautiful city, but the weather God was feeling especially generous during the week of the Grand Prix Final. Javier and Yuzuru didn't get to enjoy much of it because they spent most of their time inside, mostly at the hotel or the rink. But whenever they managed to sneak out for a moment – and even if it was just to stand on some balcony for five minutes, in an attempt to get away from all the noise and the people – the warmth and light coming from the Spanish sky felt like more than a mere consolation prize.

They'd both made it here. Somehow. Javier had been struggling all season, for reasons he couldn't even explain. His head had never been fully in the game, and then all those worries about Yuzuru came on top of everything else. But he would never have been so brazen as to put any blame on him. In the end Yuzuru had of course decided to fight his way through the pain and the pressure. And Javier had been there for him every step of the way, just as he'd promised he would. And secretly he'd always hoped that Yuzuru would be able to prove him wrong. He'd gotten into the final by the smallest of margins and he was still in more pain than he would've admitted to anyone, including Javier. But in spite of it all he thought that it had been worth it. 

They often didn't see much of each other during the day, which made the time they shared at night even more valuable. Each of them had been assigned a separate hotel room. However, those just so happened to be located right next to each other. It was a little something Brian had arranged for them. He'd called ahead and told the staff that he preferred to have his skaters closely together. Thanks to this it was much easier for them to sneak into each other's room. And it also didn't look all too suspicious if anybody saw them coming out together the next morning, since they could always say that they'd just hopped over to pick the other one up. The only chance to know that they indeed spent the night together in the same bed, was if somebody had camped out in front of their rooms. As much as the media was after both of them right now, the risk of this happening was rather slim. 

It wasn't easy to coordinate everything, to do their jobs and still find time for themselves. But there was one thing that Javier absolutely needed to make time for, no matter what. Because this week was special to him, and it had nothing to do with the competition. So many people were coming together in this place. People he loved, who knew about their relationship and supported them. But Javier was especially glad that his sister Laura would be here. Of course she already knew Yuzuru, and naturally Javier had told her that they were now an item. Compared to the drama he'd experienced with his parents, she seemed to handle this newly revealed information quite well. He hadn't been able to tell her in person though, because at the time she'd been just too far away. At least now she knew. But Javier still wasn't satisfied, because just telling her didn't seem nearly enough. He wanted to show him off. He wanted to introduce Yuzuru as his boyfriend. It was important to him.

So on Yuzuru's very first day in Barcelona, there was at least one time slot that had already been filled. When Javier got back to the hotel that night, he went up to see Yuzuru in his room right away. They took their time to say hello. They hadn't seen each other for some time now, and there were so many things left to say. Many of which could not be expressed by words, but needed a more personal, more physical touch. But even that only lasted for so long, and before he knew it, Yuzuru already got dragged out of his room and found himself two floors down in Laura's room. 

Yuzuru wasn't quite sure what kind of ceremony Javier had in mind for this meeting. He and Laura weren't exactly strangers. She apparently shared his sentiment and refused to turn this into some kind of special occasion. But Yuzuru found it quite amusing that Javier behaved like a lovestruck teenager, and even more so that Laura kept teasing him mercilessly for it. Little did he know that she was far from done when she sat down next to him on the bed, looking Javier over from head to toe as he was standing in front of them.

"It's been a while since I've last seen you so relaxed. He seems to be good for you, Javierito."

"Don't call me that. I hate that stupid nickname."

"He means that," she whispered to Yuzuru. "If you ever want to annoy him on purpose, just call him Javierito. It will drive him crazy."

"Really? I didn't know this name for him."

"Of course not. It's our little secret. He thinks he's all grown up now and that nobody should call him Javierito anymore. Right, Javierito?" 

"Give it a rest."

"Oh no, are you getting grumpy again? Dammit, I thought Yuzu had made his move just in time," she said, nudging Yuzuru with her elbow. "He became insufferable after what happened with that... girl."

"I know, I know," Javier sighed and noisily scraped his feet over the floor. "We've been over this. Let it go."

"He was a total pain in the ass, wasn't he?"

"Yes, for long time he was really bad Javina... Javierti... say that again, I can't remember."

Javier didn't even try anymore, he just rolled his eyes and turned around while Yuzuru and his sister were still putting their heads together, giggling like schoolgirls. This wasn't exactly what he'd had in mind for tonight. 

"Don't pout, Javierito."

"I wouldn't have to if you were a little nicer to me."

"I'm always nice. I actually tried to help you before, do you know that? Last time you came home for the holidays, I almost hooked you up with somebody. Just so you'd finally get it out of your system."

"You've tried that a million times, and those girls always turned out to be complete airheads."

"That would've been different," she smirked, casting a meaningful glance at Yuzuru. "You would've liked him." Javier suddenly felt like even the tiniest carpet fiber could've caught his step to make him stumble and fall. "You remember Manuel, don't you? Or as you always call him: the hot one." 

There was no doubt in Javier's mind that right now the color of his face could rival any blossoming poppy field in the midst of summertime, and Laura couldn't help but laugh at the expression on his face. The fact that she could feel how Yuzuru's body was slightly trembling under his suppressed giggles didn't make it any easier for her. 

"You'll have to forgive him, Yuzu. Manuel's the brother of my boyfriend, and he really is very good looking. He could make the strongest man get shaky knees," she grinned and winked at her brother. As if he wasn't already embarrassed enough. "He pretty much wanted my permission to ask you out."

"Why would he do that?"

"Probably because you've been flirting with him all the time."

"I was not," he said vehemently, knowing full well that this was most likely not true. There had been a few looks and the occasional fleeting touch, but nothing ever came of it. Not that Javier would've let anything happen anyway. "What did you do?" he muttered quietly, not realizing that he'd switched to Spanish.

"I told him that I'd prefer if he didn't," she replied in Spanish as well. "Double dates with my baby brother would've been super awkward."

"Why didn't you just tell him that I wasn't..." Javier knew that look from back when they were kids. It didn't matter what he'd done or what had happened, be it a bad grade at school, trouble with training or a silly fight with his friends. Whatever secret he didn't want to reveal, with her he had no choice. Because she'd already know that something was going on and wouldn't stop nagging until he'd told her everything. Except for this one thing it seemed. "You never said anything."

"What should I have said?"

"I don't know. Something."

"Like what? Asking you if you're gay wasn't exactly something I could just weave into casual conversation." Javier had no idea how to answer her. He was just way too shocked by the fact that she'd apparently known all along. Maybe even before he himself had been absolutely sure. But Laura didn't give him the chance to overthink this. She'd already put on that very disarming smile of hers, that in a very unique way managed to combine an air of condescension with pure sisterly love. "I figured if you wanted to tell me, you'd come to me on your own. I knew it would take a special someone to snap you out of this."

"Maybe you would've done the trick. You're special."

"I know." She laughingly linked arms with Yuzuru, baffling him completely by pulling him close and gently patting his chest. "But I think he's the kind of special you really needed."

Yuzuru first glanced to the side, where Laura was tightly clinging to his arm, and then down to her tiny hand that was still tapping against his pecs. He looked at Javier with one eyebrow raised almost up to his hairline. "Is your sister just hitting me or hitting on me?"

"Wow, that was a good one," Laura laughed out loud, finally letting go of him and moving a bit away. "I don't know how you make people believe that your English is so bad."

"Oh it's really bad," Yuzuru immediately insisted with his typical, slightly embarrassed smile. 

"Yeah, right." Laura exchanged a quick look with Javier, who only silently rolled his eyes and didn't even bother to say anything. They all knew that Yuzuru's ability to speak English was always severely hampered by reporters and cameras. Otherwise he was doing just fine. "Like I would ever hit on you," Laura continued and stood up from the bed. "It's frustrating enough when my flirting doesn't work on the guys who are actually attracted to girls." Now it was Yuzuru's turn to fleetingly glance at Javier, but he didn't even blink, let alone say anything. This would be one of those little details that didn't need to be shared with the whole family right away. "And besides, what kind of sister do you think I am? As if I could ever ruin this for him. I've never seen him so happy. And I think you did that."

"It's not just me," Yuzuru mumbled, smiling even more awkwardly than before and fearing that his face might turn even redder than Javier's had a few minutes ago. "Javi is happy about many things."

Javier didn't fight it when Laura patted his cheek in a very similar way as he was used to from his mother. It was a habit they both would never break, but also one Javier didn't mind. Because he knew how it was to be understood. "Sorry, cariño. I'm afraid she knows me pretty well."


	22. Ambivalent

The week of the Grand Prix Final passed faster than they could've imagined. Javier had arrived in Barcelona long before anybody else because he was busy promoting the event. Yuzuru had tried to prepare him. He'd warned him that it would be different to attend such a big competition in his home country. That he'd be the center of attention and that he should try to distance himself from all that and just concentrate on his skating. But in the end Javier was still overwhelmed by everything. Nothing Yuzuru had told him came even close to what he'd lived through these days. It was both exhilarating and terrifying, and eventually the pressure got to him. He'd been struggling before, but the way he felt after his short program was unparalleled. He figured he must've looked like he was standing on skates for the very first time in his life. Was there anything left that he'd done right? How did he even get any points at all for whatever the hell he'd done out there? 

Brian of course gave him the fatherly pep talk he was used to and told him that all was not lost yet, that he could still make up for his mistakes in the free skate. Javier pretty much expected to hear something similar from Yuzuru. But once they finally were alone in Yuzuru's hotel room late at night, the conversation with him turned out to go in a very different direction. "Why you skate so bad today?" Yuzuru came out right away and actually appeared to be annoyed with Javier. "You were disaster."

For the first few seconds Javier didn't even find words to answer him. Wasn't his boyfriend supposed to be nice and supportive on principle? "It wasn't that bad."

"Yes, it was that bad. I see you skate this program in training. You never skate so bad like today. What is wrong with you?"

"I don't know, it just... you've seen how everyone went crazy as soon as I stepped on the ice." 

"People are crazy for me too," he kept grumbling, rolling his eyes and somehow managing to sound even more condescending. "But I don't skate bad today."

"That's great for you. But we can't all be as awesome as you, can we?"

"Why not? You worked hard. I know you can skate better. I told you, don't listen to people. Just skate good."

"That's easier said than done."

"I don't say it's easy. But you must do it."

"I tried."

"Try harder. I do this all the time. But I don't complain all the time."

"Look, I'm not used to this. Everybody wants a piece of me, people expect too much and..."

"Stop whining," Yuzuru cut him off with a harsh grunt. "I thought you're a man. But now you look like whiny wimp."

"What did you just call me?"

"You behave like whiny wimp. I don't like that."

"Seriously, you can't remember what a squirrel is but..."

"Don't talk about stupid animal again."

"Who the hell teaches you English when I'm not around?"

"Somebody who's not whiny wimp."

"Could you just go back to calling me an idiot? I've gotten used to that and it's not half as insulting."

"Today you're idiot _and_ whiny wimp."

"This is great, thanks a lot for your support. This is really what I needed. I think I'll just go over to my room and sleep there tonight."

"Now you behave like baby and run away?" Yuzuru snarled and grabbed his pajamas from the bed. "Do what you want," he added snappishly before he disappeared behind the bathroom door. He threw his clothes into the bathtub, hitting the shower curtain so hard, it wouldn't have taken much to tear it off the fixture. He opened the sink tap as far as possible and watched how the water noisily rushed down the drain before he eventually put his hands underneath the stream to bring some of it to his face. When he closed the tap again, the whole room went quiet. All that was left was the sound of water dripping from his chin. Yuzuru held his breath because he thought then he'd be able to hear better what was going on outside. If Javier was still grousing or just about to storm out the door. But he didn't hear anything. 

When he came out a few minutes later, he found Javier sitting on the edge of the bed. He'd already changed into a pair of shorts and a T-Shirt. They didn't even exchange a look, let alone say anything as Javier simply walked past him to go into the bathroom as well. It took him longer than usual to get ready. Once he came out, he just quietly turned off the lights and kept standing in the dark, staring into blank space that was sparsely illuminated by the tiny bedside lamp. Only when Yuzuru folded back the bedcover did he finally come over. Yuzuru waited until Javier had laid down before he put out the light. Javier imagined how he'd probably still be rolling his eyes when he heard Yuzuru sigh quietly, mumbling to himself in Japanese. Somewhere in between he heard the word "baka" several times, as he usually did when Yuzuru muttered his concerns in a language he didn't understand. And when Yuzuru finally reached for his hand underneath the blanket and gently pulled him over, he didn't hesitate for a second but just quietly snuggled up to him. Yuzuru tightened his embrace and put a tender kiss on top of his head. Some of the words he whispered were probably in English, but Javier didn't even try to understand. He was so very tired. All he wanted to do was rest and forget about what had happened today. And the sound of Yuzuru's voice was enough to put his mind at ease and make him sleep peacefully through the night.

 

Today in the free skate he had to go out there before Yuzuru. The ice was the same, but it felt differently. "You can do it," Yuzuru had said to him this morning, only moments before they had to let go of each other's hand and leave for the morning practice. "Don't let me stand on podium alone. I need you there. I know you can do it." And when Javier stepped onto the ice just now, he could still hear Yuzuru's words echo in his head. All those people around him, all those noises that kept following his every step - he could tune them out. They didn't matter. There was no need to be afraid.

Yesterday Javier had been so incredibly nervous before the short program. He couldn't bring himself to watch Yuzuru skate first because he knew that it would only worsen the anxiety about his own performance. But once he'd heard the cheers and the applause, he just had to take a peek at the monitor backstage. He didn't need to see the scores. The numbers would be great for sure, but that wasn't what mattered to him after he'd watched Yuzuru in the Kiss and Cry. And today, when he saw Yuzuru go wild after the free skate, his heart nearly gave out. It had been such a long time since he'd last seen him let loose like this, just screaming his joy to the world without inhibition. And then Yuzuru did one better by freaking out completely on top of the podium when Javier was called up, encouraging the crowd to cheer even louder as the two of them were standing side by side. Javier knew that the look on his face must tell a story that went far beyond the happenings of some skating competition – and he didn't give a damn if anybody would see it.

The gala tomorrow should present yet another challenge. They'd been asked to introduce each other in Spanish and Japanese respectively, and of course they played along because it was actually a fun idea. It was already well after midnight when they finally got into bed that night, and still they were lying awake forever, trying to teach the other a few phrases in their own language. Javier was pretty sure that Yuzuru was playing dumb on purpose. He just enjoyed it to watch Javier repeat the same words over and over again, pronouncing them extra carefully and making his lips form the words as precisely as possible so that Yuzuru could imitate them. But all he did was press his own lips against Javier's, arguing that it would help him to know what the words felt like before he could actually say them. 

Neither of them had learned all that many new words during the night, but they still planned on going through with their introductions anyway. It would work out one way or another. Only a few minutes before they were supposed to step outside for their first double performance, somebody handed Yuzuru a bundle of clothing. "What are you doing?" Javier asked half shocked and half amused when Yuzuru got so excited, he ripped off his shirt in the middle of the hallway and put on the T-Shirt he'd just been given.

"This is great," he laughed and pointed at the word "España" that was now written right across his chest. "Colors are like your flag. And like Pooh. It's perfect."

"Yeah, now you're perfect," Javier snorted and put one arm around his shoulders as they walked towards the entrance to the rink. 

Yuzuru somehow managed to muddle through the sentence he was supposed to say. Javier wasn't sure if the audience had understood anything since he was mostly just making sounds and not actually speaking Spanish. But that did absolutely nothing to lessen this moment. And even though Yuzuru was little more than an arm's length away from him, the way he was still bursting with pride and enthusiasm made Javier almost want to jump over the boards, because every inch he was away from him seemed just one too many.

When it was finally Javier's turn to introduce Yuzuru near the end of the gala, he froze once again, bringing no more than one word in Japanese over his lips. Yuzuru smirked at him, knowing that he was having a blackout and helping him out by again muttering some incomprehensible words into the microphone. And by just standing there and being as cute as ever while Javier chose words in his own language to tell everyone how he felt about him. About his little conquistador, the wonderful friend who had eventually stolen his heart and soul and sanity. Javier tried to only shake his hand afterwards, because he suddenly realized what he'd just said in front of all these people. How he'd said it, and how he must've looked at him all the while. But Yuzuru had already opened his arms to give him yet another hug. And when they moved apart, Javier's hand lingered on Yuzuru's neck and shoulder, only a moment longer than it absolutely needed to. 

 

Their day was far from over after the gala. Whenever there were no reporters they had to answer to, there was always some other skater or coach or volunteer who would take up their time. But somewhere between interviews and casual chitchat they managed to sneak away for a moment and find a secluded hiding place. Within seconds they were all over each other. Usually Yuzuru wouldn't let it go this far when they were anywhere near a public area. But right now he didn't resist when Javier pinned him against a wall, his hands restlessly wandering over his body and caressing him through the flimsy fabric of his costume, his lips eagerly claiming his own. But just when Javier was about to conquer the zipper that was hidden underneath all the ruffles and rhinestones, they heard someone call out their names. That was certainly one way to completely ruin the mood. 

"I see you later?" Javier muttered, reluctantly letting go of Yuzuru while he carefully put his hair back into place.

"Of course," Yuzuru nodded and in turn straightened the crinkled fabric of Javier's shirt. "My room or yours?"

"We've spent the whole week in your room. I'll just come over when it's time to go to the banquet."

It took some more yelling from outside for them to finally force themselves apart and leave the safety of their temporary hiding spot. They had to make the most of these moments, because they both suspected that they wouldn't see each other until late in the evening. They should be right about that.


	23. In Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Exactly one year ago I posted the first part of this whole series. Now that it's 36 chapters later, I think it's a good day to end it for now ^_^ I hope you'll like what I've come up with. 
> 
> One more huge thank you to [Fuchsia](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Fuchsia) for agreeing to go through this with me. I'm so lucky I could always count on your incredibly detailed comments and thoughtful insights, as well as your pep talks whenever I got stuck along the way. You had a big part in making this story what it is now.
> 
> Thank you everyone for reading, leaving comments and kudos, and for just having fun with me along the way ^_^ I enjoyed this a lot.

Javier was already running late again when he got back to his hotel room that night. He still needed to change into his suit for the closing banquet. He knew that Yuzuru would be waiting for him, no matter how long he took, but he still tried to be as quick as possible. He made sure that nobody saw him when he used the second key card to let himself into the room next door. Yuzuru was standing at the window, hiding behind the curtain and only peeking out through a small gap. He'd been doing it like this all week because he was always worried that somebody might see him. It was bad enough that so many fans had practically set up a camp in the lobby. He didn't want anybody to know where exactly his room was. "What are you looking at?" Javier asked as he walked up behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist.

"They take away the ice." Yuzuru tapped his index finger against the window. The convention center was right across the street from their hotel, and they could watch how the temporary rink for the competition was now being disposed of, only a few hours after the gala had ended. Workers were carting away parts of the stands that had already been dismantled, and there was a big tube coming out of one of the side doors, splashing water all over the sidewalk before it ran down the sloping road. "It's sad. It was good ice."

"You only made it look good by being on top of it," Javier whispered, kissing him on the neck and fiddling around with the buttons of his dress shirt. "Speaking of being on top..."

"No, don't. My mother's in the next room."

That was also a little something Brian had arranged for them. He didn't mind helping them out a bit, but it wasn't completely without an ulterior motive. Keeping them closely together lowered the risk of them being caught sneaking around. And keeping Yuzuru's mother close by should obliterate the risk of the boys losing their heads each and every night. Or at least so Brian had hoped. But the way Javier kept groping Yuzuru right now, it looked very much like he was about to quash his coach's endeavors. But when Yuzuru calmly took Javier's hands and pulled them down to lie around his waist again, he backed off right away. "How's your stomach?" he asked, spreading his fingers over the thoroughly ironed fabric.

"Okay. Painkillers help."

In the window Javier saw a faint reflection of Yuzuru's face, but even without it he could tell that he wasn't being completely truthful. "You wanna skip the banquet?"

"No, we must go."

"No, we must not. We could just stay here and spend the night in bed."

"I said no sex."

"That's not new. I can live with that."

Given the fact that they'd been apart for such a long time, this week had been surprisingly sex-less. To be precise, they hadn't actually had sex. Of any kind. Not even once. Their days had been packed with work, and for a change Javier had been even busier than Yuzuru. Once they'd made it back to the hotel every night, all they wanted to do was sleep, because they needed all the rest they could get. They did spend every night together though, since they both found that they slept much better with the other one close by.

Yuzuru gently pushed him away and shut the curtains before he turned around to lean against the window. He carefully brushed his fingertips over the seams of Javier's suit jacket and took a critical look at the knot of his tie. He knew that Javier kept it like this on purpose, but Yuzuru always felt the urge to make it look accurate. "You were away on my birthday," he unexpectedly changed the topic, already twiddling with the tie, although he knew that Javier would just endure his meddling for now and then loosen the knot again later.

"Sorry, I was busy," Javier laughed, "and on another continent. I thought that excuse was good enough." Yuzuru narrowed his eyes and bit his lower lip. He didn't even notice how he was holding his breath and almost startled when Javier took the hand that was still fiddling around with his tie. "You want to talk about this now?" he asked quietly while stepping closely towards Yuzuru.

Over the last week other things had been more important and neither of them had lost a word about it. But they'd both known all along that they wouldn't be able to leave Barcelona without having this inevitable conversation. Yuzuru's birthday had passed. And it didn't only mean that from now on he'd be considered a legal adult. It also meant that the deadline set by his mother had run out. He'd promised her to not tell anybody about his sexual orientation until he'd turned 20, which in effect meant that they were both bound to secrecy about their relationship as well. But now that excuse was null and void.

Yuzuru dropped his gaze as he nodded hesitantly, and Javier felt his thumb nervously run over the back of his hand. "I think that..."

"Can I tell you what I want?" Yuzuru cut in abruptly. He still didn't even look at him and just mumbled under his breath while anxiously kneading Javier's hand.

"Of course, you can always tell me what..."

"I don't want to tell," he interrupted him again, blurting those five words out like they'd been stuck in his throat forever and were about to suffocate him if he didn't spit them out as fast as he possibly could. "I'm sorry. I'm really very sorry."

"It's okay." Javier gently caressed his cheek in hopes that it might keep him from losing it completely. But right now it seemed like Yuzuru was more inclined to get all worked up about this.

"I know I say you can make decision for us, and I'm so, so sorry but..."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not. I talk so much and say you must make decision alone and now I..."

Javier tried to grab his flailing arms, but when he couldn't get a hold of them, he simply cupped Yuzuru's face with both hands to finally make him stop. "Calm down. It really is okay. I was... about to say the same thing anyway."

Javier wasn't sure if Yuzuru could tell that he was lying. Because had he actually been asked what he wanted, the most truthful answer Javier could've given would've been: "I don't know." On the one hand he didn't care anymore. He was done playing around. Fuck other people and their ideas of what's normal and what's not. They were in love, it wouldn't get any more normal than that. But on the other hand he knew how much this world could suck. There were reasons why it had taken him so long to come to terms with all this, one being that he was afraid of how he might be seen by others. Coming out and presenting themselves as a couple – that would be a big deal. Yuzuru was already being haunted by the media all the time, and Javier had only gotten a glimpse of what he must feel like all the time. There had been so many changes in their lives, and their relationship now just started to be stable and good. Did he really want to put all that extra pressure on both of them?

Yuzuru tried to take a step back, but Javier wouldn't let him. He always did that. Whenever Yuzuru thought that he was in the wrong, he always tried to keep his distance and avoid bodily contact. Javier didn't want him to feel like he'd made a mistake, so he pulled him even closer and took him in his arms. "I told you from the beginning that this wasn't a decision I could make on my own. We're in this together." Yuzuru still looked beyond abashed, even when Javier tried to calm him with a kiss. "But I have to ask. Why? I always thought you didn't care if anybody knew."

Yuzuru shifted from one foot to the other, still trying to avoid Javier's gaze. "Your parents," he mumbled ruefully and could already feel Javier's irritation without actually looking him in the face. "When you tell them about me, you had big fight."

"You know that I just handled this really badly, right? That was months ago and it's not like they..."

"I know but... first you have fight with your parents and then you have fight with me. Maybe more people don't understand. And maybe we always fight when they say stupid things about us."

Yuzuru didn't know how to tell him this. The experience with Javier's parents had brought him to a reality he'd hardly know until then. There had only been one time when he'd gotten into real trouble for liking what he liked, and that was when his classmate's mother had walked in on them having sex. But other than that he'd never received anything but support and reassurance. Aside from all the drama he'd been through with Javier, even he had never made him feel like there was something wrong with him. Yuzuru had always known that coming out might not be easy, but he'd never actually experienced what it felt like to be rejected for who he was. And now he started to think that he didn't want to know. Especially if those feelings might affect his relationship with Javier. What they had was still so fragile. Why risk it? Why would he want to give anybody the means to possibly ruin something that he treasured so much?

"I'm sorry. I know that I'm unfair."

"You're not."

"Yes, I am. It's not fault of your parents, they're really nice. I really like them very much." Yuzuru didn't know what to make of the fleeting smirk that played around Javier's lips, but he could feel that he was not being laughed at. "And when I said you must make decision, I really mean that. I'm not a liar. But I..." Yuzuru pressed his lips together and tried to ignore the hand that was slowly running up and down his arm. He knew that Javier was trying to comfort him, but right now all those caring gestures somehow managed to make him feel worse. "I just can't. And I can't explain. I'm sorry that I'm selfish but..."

"Enough." Javier cupped his face and kissed him again, because he knew that this was the only way to keep him from talking. "You're scared, I get it. And guess what: so am I."

"You are?"

"Yes, of course I am," Javier laughed helplessly, wondering how Yuzuru could possibly believe anything else. He plucked on some parts of Yuzuru's shirt, pretending to straighten the fabric although everything about him looked as perfect as ever. "I don't want to worry about the whole stupid world, but I do. And I don't have time for that because I have my hands full with you. The last few weeks you alone managed pretty well to keep me worried all the time."

"I'm sorry about that too," Yuzuru uttered silently, dropping his head so far, his chin almost landed on his chest.

"Yeah, next time you better think twice about nearly killing yourself. Because if you keep doing this, I'll seriously have to start looking for a new boyfriend." Yuzuru imitated something resembling a smile when Javier put two fingers under his chin to lift up his head. "Everything's fine, I promise."

Yuzuru nodded silently, still biting his lip and letting his gaze drift off. Javier could practically hear Yuzuru's heart racing and felt how his pulse quickened for all the wrong reasons. He caressed Yuzuru's cheek, patiently waiting until he was ready to raise his eyes on his own. And only when his smile got returned did he slowly lean in to kiss him once more. He pulled him back into his arms, and when Yuzuru's hands touched behind Javier's back, his body finally relaxed. He nestled his face in the crook of Javier's neck, sensed the warmth of his own breath against Javier's skin and felt another tender kiss being put on top of his head. "I love you," Javier whispered almost inaudible, his face buried between strands of black hair. "You're the only one who needs to know that."

Javier loosened his embrace when he heard Yuzuru snuffle. "Please don't cry," he said and wiped his thumb over the corner of Yuzuru's eye, where he could already see that telling gleam surface. "If Maia sees this, she's gonna assume that I said something stupid and then I'll have her on my back all night long."

Yuzuru swallowed hard and vigorously nodded his head. He knew that the tighter he pressed his teeth together, the lower the chance of him breaking into tears after all. And Javier knew better than to make him answer. He just kept holding his hands and gave him a few more moments to compose himself. "We should probably go now if you really want to suffer through this party. Or I could just go over there for an hour or so and make some excuse for you. People would understand."

"No, I must go too," Yuzuru insisted, vehemently shaking his head. "It's not polite."

"Of course not. Sorry, I don't know what I was thinking. My manners are horrible. Please don't tell my mother about it." 

He laughed when Yuzuru looked at him with a grimace and lightly hit him in the shoulder before he walked past him. Javier turned around to follow him, but then he didn't. He watched Yuzuru take his jacket from the chair and put it on. The sleeves were a bit too long, as usual, but Javier knew that this was how Yuzuru liked it. That wouldn't change anytime soon. Yuzuru stepped in front of the mirror, checked his tie again and put his hair in order until even the last strand was exactly where he wanted it to be. And when Javier saw him standing at the door, one hand already around the handle, he thought if there was maybe a way to talk him around. To convince him that they should stay here after all, so he wouldn't have to share him with anyone. Just for tonight.

"Maybe we don't stay at party so long," Yuzuru jolted him out of his thoughts. 

"If you're not feeling well we can..."

"I feel good," Yuzuru cut him off and tilted his head, showing that coy smirk of his. "Maybe later we feel good together."

"I thought you said no sex."

"I change my mind."

Javier walked over to him and took the hand that was already reaching for him. "You're really okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine," Yuzuru answered quietly and let his thumb run over the back of Javier's hand. And when Javier nodded and smiled at him, Yuzuru was almost ready to change his mind a second time. To stay here with him after all. Maybe just for tonight, they could be impolite. "We must leave now," he mumbled instead and glanced down at their hands that were still thoroughly intertwined. "You let go of me?"

Javier squeezed his hand even tighter before he leaned over. Because they still shared that last kiss, every time they were about to step out into a reality that had little to do with what was real to them. "Never," he whispered, and as their smiles touched, they both knew that their own truth would be more than enough for now.


End file.
